new year's resolution 2011

I can already see this list getting long
2011
I hope this is going to be a great year. I hope it will be. I have a feeling that it will get better. It might start out slow, but I will try my best to make this a great year! Im tired of my old self, and need to move forward!

Derrick Butcher... my ex. [one of them] He was dating me before my mom got cancer.
He said I was a great person, and from what I can remember, I was always happy, cheerful, and fun. I still didnt smile as much as everyone else, but I was happy. Even when I lived in that stupid closet, I was nice...
He said as soon as my mom got cancer, I changed.... I was different, and I dont think I have ever gone back to the person I was, untill I moved to Turlock. I had friends there who changed me, but as soon as I moved, I went back to my old self.

So 2011... lets start over. I cant dwell on the past so much. I will miss my mom being there for me, and for me being there for her. I will miss having a mother to go out with, and have fun with, but I need to live a life again.

so here is my new year's resolution 2011!!!!!

1. Find the right guy, or work things out.... I want to be treated right.
2. get good at hooping... maybe hopefully preform =]
3. get a good job. work as a nurse assistant, and have a successful store.
4. make a store online... real store... not fb =p
5. BE HAPPY!!!
6. Be a successful model.
7. own my own apartment!!!!! With a basement! =p So I can have a studio
8. work on being a photographer
9. Get good a cooking!!! No one wants to date a girl who cant cook =p
10. stop being so shy!!!! That will be the hardest to do I think.
11. work out? maybe? sorta... have a tone body =]
12. learn how to control my anger better. i've been doing somewhat of a good-ish job already
13. Be good at orbiting? I guess lol
14. make good money, some how, some way
15. become a wardrobe stylist
16. be more helpful to others.
17. make lots of friends! [that goes with stop being shy]
18. be fun, classy, exciting, adventurous... I'd say sexy, but thats no ones business j/k j/k
19. Be Adventurous [i know I already said it] but try new things... things I think I wont like.
20. dont care about what others think. [goes with above... trying new things is something I dont like cause I dont want others to think im stupid if I cant do it]
21. beat a boy at some 'guy' video game =p I dont wanna be 'girly' at anything anymore...
22. get another pet... like a dog =] Once I have a place.. and money =/
23. Learn how to do artful stuff =]
24. Be giving [already am] so I guess I should say 'stay giving'
25. READ A BOOK!
26. Care about myself [like, love who I am]
27. re-learn how to play the violin
28. Clean more! & Be more organized!
29. Be more secure... not insecure. Stop thinking so much =p
30. Be myself... It sounds like im trying to change who I am, and those things will happen, but I will have down falls... I will always be myself


p.s. 31. Get back into dancing... on stage... It was my passion... and I'd like to get back into doing it again

omg, I almost lost it

someone just sent me an IM on my 'personal' facebook... so I would assume they knew... >.>

'Happy New Years to you and your boyfriend' is what she sent me.

omg, I almost lost it....
Almost sent her an IM just yelling at her, telling her to f off, and dont mess with me like that again.

Its bad enough people were sending me stuff like 'glad you are having a good christmas with your boy'

I mean, where do people get the nerves to point out AGAIN that I dont have anyone at all... yea. and its people who KNOW that im single.... it just pisses me off....
its one thing to be single...
its another for people to laugh at you and rub it in your fucking face! D<
I am so ready to just start a new life all over again... so ready.

on the good side... I went to church today, and prayed,... and prayed that good will happen in my life soon

I Was Wrong.... I admit it now.

Sometimes people have a hard time admitting that they are wrong...
And I've done a lot of thinking lastnight...
And all the things gone wrong in my life [except my mom passing] was probably because of me.

With that said, it makes things even worse...
Sometimes its easier to blame someone else, or no one at all...
But when something bad happens, and you know its your fault, it just feels 10times worse.
So lets get things straight first:
I am still in love...
I know that things will never work out again...
But I can still wish right?
I am letting go, but I'll never stop loving him, or missing him.
But I can not change his mind, even if I had that power, I still wouldnt.
He has to change his mind on his own... I understand that.
So as I may seem like some emo little kid, still trying to hold on,
its more like I am sad to see him leave my life.
We may be friends in the future, and I can only hope,...
but if it doesnt happen, than it doesnt happen.
No one probably understands me except him, and he may not even understand me to the full extent.

Ok, so with that said, I feel like explaining myself...
How many people do you know that'll actually admit that they are wrong?
How many people do you know who'll fix it?
And how many people 'admit that they are wrong AND say they are sorry'?

Well...
for one...
I know that I always want things my way...
I may not realize it when Im saying it, but yes, I am, in fact, a selfish person =/
When I dont want to do something, I dont want to do it...
I always want to do the things I want to do before trying what someone else wants to do.
I am, IN FACT going to change that... Well I'll try the best I possibly can.
I do put people first before me, and when I do it often, sometimes I wish to be put first when I 'need' them...
When I 'need' someone, and I dont get any support, my mind breaks down really fast.
I have got to learn that not everyone is going to be there for you when you need them..
Its life. And I need to get used to it... even if the person loves me...

I tend to make people feel guilty... WITHOUT KNOWING! I seem to do it all the time, without realizing it one bit.... Sometimes I intend to do that... And I need to stop doing that...
Why I make people feel guilty, I dont know... sometimes I do it in a way of showing them that I'd care for them more, or I love them more, or I'd do more for them than they would do for me. I guess I want to be able to feel like I would have someone to care for me just as much as I care for them. But still, its no excuse to make people feel guilty.

I get angry easily... Yes, I know that. I get angry at little things, and I get angrier faster... However, I dont go punching walls, or hitting things, or throwing things... I still get angry when I shouldnt, or I shouldnt take it out on people... That needs to change, defiantly for myself, and others. I'll just keep scaring people away, or pushing people away if I dont change that part of me. I wish people could accept me for how I am, as I accept people for how they are... But face it... no one will love some cranky old lady!! So Im sorry for every time I've argued about something stupid, pathetic, or something small. Im sorry for getting annoyed very easily, sorry for all those silent moments. I dont understand why I get angry... I really dont. Half the time of me sitting there in silence... Im actually talking to myself in my mind, telling myself that im being stupid, and retarded, and I dont even have a real reason to be angry... And than there comes the wave of 'he'll say sorry' than theres the 'but its your fault, not his' and it just plays back and forth.. and than when he does say sorry, or when something is solved... there is the wave of 'omg, your so stupid, look how embarrassing you are for getting mad at something that small' so I still sit there in silence, because I embarrassed myself. This thing really needs to go away... its just childish... But I need to learn how to control my anger... Just wish I had money for counseling.

Lies... I lie a lot... but its actually starting to fade. sometimes I'll lie about little things, sometimes I'll lie about big things... sometimes I'll lie just to make people worry, just because I want to know that Im cared for... but like I said, its starting to fade away... The only REALLY bad thing about this, is that it shows how selfish I am... and some of it could get me in trouble with the law, or family. But the good thing about this is... I know when everyone else is lying =]

Feeling Sorry...... for me. Yea, again, guilt tripping, being selfish... but yea, I tend to do things to make people feel sorry for me. In a way I know im doing it, but also in a way, when people who have greater lives, and complain, its a way of showing them that their life isnt so bad, and that they need to be greatful for what they have.
Im not saying I have a horrible life, but in a way, I feel like I could deserve better.... especially by the way I 'try' to start a new happy life all the time.


Im a bum. Yes, ok, I get it! Yes, I have tried to get a job... atleast I've had job interviews... I live off my dad... but I never ask him for money unless im desperate. I dont ask for anything... Im trying to run a business, and its not going so well, but I think it'd be a lot easier if I had an online store. I know its gonna take some time.


complaining.... I complain about everything, and anything. That also needs to stop... I complain about my life, because it could do some improvement,... I complain about people, because I feel like I didnt deserve to be treated the way I was... I complain about... well, other stuff, because I either dont want to be there, I wish it worked differently, this and that, that and this...
One, I complain because as soon as I write about it, or talk about it, it seems to not be so stuck in my head... Its my own way of venting, and dealing with my stress...
Im thankful that someone understands that writing things out is how I deal with stress... but when its just meaningless complaining, it needs to stop. One, no one would think good of me if I just complain all the time... and yes, eventually I'd love to have friends, but I am keeping myself from having any...
and its just a waste of time. no one cares about what others have to complain about. and yea,... its just unhealthy for me to complain all the time. I need to fricken smile every once in a while, and just take life as it is... if its good or bad.


However,... when other people brag about how people love them so much, or about this and that, and are full of themselves.. I am sorry to say, but I dont think I'll ever stop saying something that'll bring them down just a little... cause when models go 'omg, all the photographers loved me! did you hear everything they were saying? I was their favorite' I am sorry... but I will say something like 'yea, thats exactly what they say to every model they shoot with' idk... I just hate people who are THAT full of themselves...


With all of that said... Im sorry. Im sorry to everyone who i've put stress on, who i've made mad... who I never said sorry to... I am going to try and change... I really am. Im going to try and become a better person, for myself, and everyone else...
I am still going to try and be me, but a better me. I do wish for people to accept me for who I am, but no one likes angry cranky people. so im sorry. And Im sorry to Jared too... I think I have guilt tripped him, or tried to forcfully see some sort of affection and im sorry for hurting you, or upsetting you.

No one is perfect... and everyone should be accepted for who they are...
As I believe in that, I also believe that people who are willing to change for themselves, and for others should be given a chance at life all over again.

So I admit it... I was wrong... and Im sorry.

I'd Go Back In Time and Change It, But I Cant...

If I could get one chance to go back in time, I would take that chance now.
I may have said it before, but I've really been thinking about it....
But the thing is, I dont have that chance to go back in time...
Those are just silly little dreams that only come true in romance movies.

But if God gave me one chance... just one... I would change a lot of things,...
But things that would only lead me back to the summer time of 2010.
Of course, going back to the past would not be just a play-back...
In order to change things, you have to know you are in the past...
You have to have some sort of idea of whats going to happen in the future...
Otherwise, without some sort of knowledge of the future, than it'd just feel like deja vu, and that doesnt always change a person.

I just wish I could do something, or have a sign, or something so I could go back to the past!! I dont just want a better future, but I want a better past. I want to be proud of myself. I want to be able to say that Im happy to be who I am today...
And I want to do the right things for other people too...


If I was given the chance... I'd ask my mom if she wanted to go back in time too...
So that I could take her to the beach, take her to the zoo, go and do karaoke together, and do everything she wanted before she passed away...
But, that would also mean she'd have to re-live the pain all over again. I dont want to put her through that, but if she wanted to go back, and was given the chance to do what she wanted before she died, well, I'd hope she could have that chance.

But if I could go back in time, I wouldnt have done the things I did, and I probably wouldnt have gone out with Donnie...
I would have gone straight to Turlock considering those were some of the best days I ever had...
I wouldnt have done the things I did with certain people...
I would learn how to say no a lot better.
I wouldnt have argued with my grandpa...
I would have came home for dinner more, and acted more like a family.
I would learn how to be more fun, and outgoing.
And when I came to Colorado, I would have done the same thing...
I would have moved back to California, and not been so attached....
I would leave on good terms...
And I would have gotten all my stuff, and just left them at my grandparent's house.
I would have let Andrew and Chip live with me...
But I wouldnt have let them borrow any money.
I would relive those days, through all the pain and anger...
just to be with jared again.
I would do everything I could to make Jared happy...
And I wouldnt have fought about stupid little things...
I would have made friends with Krystal...
I would learn to trust more.
I would still be friends with Beetle, and Ro...
I wouldnt let people get to me so easily...
I would learn to make more friends, than enemies...
I wouldnt be so 'me me me' all the time.
I wouldnt talk about the future, even when he did.
I would be more of a party person...
I would try not to be so boring.
I would want to re-live the summer days over and over...
I would make him happy...
I hope I made him happy.
I'd go back to the days whenever I did something wrong...
and I would just not have done it.
I would go back in time for myself, for my mom, for Derrick, for Donnie, for all the girl's hearts I broke, for every friend I didnt give a chance, for my dad, for Damien, for my grandparents, and for Jared.... and for a chance for a better, or another 'Jared and I'

Morning Texts

Its easier for me to sleep... knowing that I dont have to pray so hard for another chance,... or for you to love me still...
Its over, and I can sleep... but than again, I cant sleep.
I have dreams...
and I wake up with so much pain in my chest.
I'll have dreams that whenever my car tries to start, but just dies... my heart dies too...
I was thinking that it might mean that I may never love again like I loved you...
And that my heart is just useless without you.

I have other dreams of my heart just being ripped out, shutting down, bleeding, dying, turning to ashes...
And I've had a dream of you just punching me in the chest where my heart is =[ That one I have no clue what its about... But let me tell you, its pretty scary waking up thinking your dead or in the hospital....

But whats worse... is I wake up feeling your arms around me, but when I look around for you...
I realize its nothing but a dream.
Your not there...


I guess its because you had sounded so excited to spend the weekend with me...
I wasnt ready for this break-up... My body still feels that you were going to come over and be beside me.

Sometimes I'll wake up thinking im in your room, taking one of those naps with you.

I guess, without realizing it, I am still praying to be with you...
I may not be saying it to myself in my head, but my heart is.


But I know you want to feel alive, and that you still have much of a life to live...
And I know you dont want to feel trapped.
I didnt know I was keeping you from living...
I didnt realize I was that boring.

"I know Im not beautiful,
and I dont have a great personality...
Im not wild and crazy, and I dont drink.
I cant sing, or cook.
My eyes are just the same as any other girl's...
But the thing that makes me a great girl,
is that I love you with all my heart,
and I would give you my whole world.
Its that I know your my everything,
and I will do everything in my power to make you happy.
Its that Im grateful to have you in my life,
and Im grateful for each day I have with you.

Love,
Krystalle"


This is what I had put under a picture of me and you...
Yes, its true... all of it.
I want to be with you....
But I want to show you a different side of me.
I may not be as crazy as anyone else you know....
But I can show you that I am not as boring as you think I am.
I know I have already told you this before, I know. Sorry.
And as much as I wish I could be with you, I keep thinking that this could be our chance to get to know each other in a different way.

idk how yet...
maybe you could have your friends, and I could have my friends, and we could all chill one day? I just need to make those friends.
I just wouldnt bring Chip, if you wont bring 'her'
I wont bring a guy who is going to flirt with me, as long as you dont bring girls that are going to flirt with you...
What do you say?

You keep saying we might have a chance in the future...
I'd like that to happen, but I am not going to keep my hopes up.
That doesnt mean Im going to go look for a guy, or look for dates or anything...
You have told me all of these stories about your ex, and how you had your remounds...
It kinda scares me... a lot....
To know your sleeping with other girls, finding people better than me...
Its all part of the break up though.
I just hope you remember all the love I gave you. I hope you never forget about that.
But I want you to live, and be alive, and not be trapped...
So dont think about me! ok?

I want you to be happy, but I just dont want you to forget about me.

Someone told me that if another guy comes around, that I shouldnt throw away a good thing just for you...
And I told her, that you ARE a good reason to throw away some random guy. Ya, im not keeping my hopes up, but I want to show you how I can be in a different way... I want to give you that chance, not for me, and not to date you,.. but because I think you've had the wrong idea of me, and you deserve to see that part of me without some guy hanging around my shoulders all the time.

And.... Im not looking as you know, and I just dont feel like being in a relationship with anyone else right now... and thats not going to change for a long long time.


I have kinda gone off topic here, Im sorry. Writing is just the easiest way for me to deal with things.

I woke up many times today, but the last time I woke up, I was holding my phone to my chest....
I guess I had been waiting for a text from you like every morning.
Im sad because I know your probably texting 'morning' to other people...
everyone else... but me...
I know you said I could text you and tell you stuff,...
but in a way I feel like I cant. I feel like you need time away from talking to me, as much as I would hate that.
This change for me is going to take a long time, so please dont feel like I am trying to stay attached to you. Please dont think that Im still trying to be a big part of your life, even though you said you want me to be a part of your life still.
I just love you with all my heart still, and you still mean the world to me.
Its not going to change over night, or in a week...


I wish you would have realized before we were dating exactly what you had wanted...
that you didnt really actually want a girlfriend like me.
You read all my stuff, and knew everything I had gone through, and saw that I was a clingy person... in fact, you even liked that about me...
I wish you never told me you wanted to marry me if you didnt know if you did or not.
I wish you never wanted to go look for apartments, when I was the one who didnt want to..
I wish you wouldnt have been getting so upset because I was taking my time to say 'i love you'
Havnt you noticed that?
That I was taking my time so you would get to know me before you got too close?
This is exactly what I was trying to avoid...
I was trying to let you understand who I am, let you realize what it is that you want, before we got too close, before you got my hopes up, before you just threw everything away because you didnt know what you wanted, when I gave you all that time to think.
But it could take years to realize that something isnt right for you, which is ok. Im not mad...



Dont let anything I type bother you Jared... just letting everything out...
its easier for me to move on if I write.
I love you... always.
love,
Mouse

New Winter, New Broken Heart

Every broken heart is inspired to write...
And I definitely have one broken heart.
Im still in love, and am not ready to let go even though I know I have to...
So I hope he doesnt mind too much... for me, it was very sudden for me... too sudden.
This boy...
He may always have my heart the way he had it when we first met...
He may be in my dreams when im wide awake...
And he may be my tears of the dreams I wish came true.

He told me that love dies and fades...
But as I say,
"Love never dies or fades... You either love, or you never did."
He seems to protest against it....
But I think he just meant that his love is not strong... It hasnt faded away, its just not strong.

And as the both of us say that we wish we could go back in time and change things...
I think I wish for it more.
I felt so perfect with him...
And I feel the blame for everything.
I feel like if I just held my tongue, things would be alright...
But than again, I also deserve to be with someone who can understand me and my problems...
But than again... its not right to just argue over stupid little things.
Maybe Im like bipolar or something? heh...
But bipolar people deserve love too.
But there isnt a day that goes by that I dont regret all those fights I've caused.
I just wish I could go back in time... Go back and change things... Kept going the way we were in the summer time.
He said that if we kept going like that, we would have made it...

What happened to us? Why did we let this happen?
sure, I've been engaged... sure I've wanted to merry someone...
But there hasnt been a person that I wanted to merry, and die together with.
There has never been a man where I was willing to be the one to ask the question...
But its over now...
And all I could ask for now from him, is to just be friends...
I wish things were different, but this is what he wants.

Though you dont still really love me, I will always love you...
Though we are not together, I will still want to take care of you...
I want to make sure your not going back to your past...
I want to make sure you dont do anything stupid, just because 'it wont show in your test'
You were so happy that your life had changed... I dont want you to regret anything.
You know you dont want to go down that path, so dont even think about it.

So please, dont mind me and my broken heart.
Dont feel guilty, or mad.
Dont feel like you are responsible...
A broken heart just needs a way to let out her pain.




New Winter, New Broken Heart

Every winter here has been the same... Long, and alone.
Its my worst season... And honestly, the worst time to break up with someone.
I was at a friend's house lastnight, as she was TRYING to break up with her boyfriend...
But he just wouldnt take it. He would not let her go... pretty much begging her to stay with him, without sounding too desperate though.
It was sad... because she could just say all these things,.. and he still wanted to be with her,...
As she was doing that, I was on her bed crying over a letter from my ex... He had broken up with me a few hours earlier.
But before my friend's boyfriend called, we were planning on a new life....
After I get my heart broken,... I do what I do best... Run away.
No rebound, no messing with other guys... No.
I run away... To another state.
My dad said he would apply for a job in England, and we could move there.
The only reason why I didnt want to, was because I had something here for me.

But who said we'd move right now? If nothing works out for me, I do hope to move soon...
But untill than I need to plan a new life.
Going out and meeting new friends...
finding groups of close friends... more guys than girls always seems more fun.
But dont get me wrong, its not like that...
I am not going to go looking for a guy, or a hook-up, a one night stand...
And probably every guy that even asks me out, i'd probably straight up say no.
Already guys have been calling me cutie, or trying to flirt with me...
and its already pissing me off.
I know im single, but my heart is still taken.
My friend said we should get jobs together, and outfits that match...
She said she'd help me with the club events...
I forgot to mention that she wouldnt get paid though.
And since winter is here... would we really be going out that much?
So would we really have anything to go do with any new friends?
I got excited because I am actually going to go out and live a life again..
I just wish he was here so I could share that life with him.

Its still going to be hard for me... I was going to have all these clothes for modeling events for models to try on,... as I model as well... Its going to be hard for that to happen now... now that im alone.

I hate the feeling of being alone....
All my doors are locked now...
No reason to go out that door.
I may sit in that chair just to remember...
But with winter here,.. I'd just be a lonely girl, watching her breath.
Maybe I should just take the chair out and put it away.
I might as well put away the hot chocolate...
I might as well close the blinds...
Winter just isnt any fun alone.
The snow will be untouched just like me.
And it shall stay quiet, not even a sound...
Untill I play old videos, and play old songs...


I'll move on one day, but no time soon,
because this winter, my doors are locked, with no reason to go out.

Doing Better?

3:36 am
I wrote.
And am too scared to publish it.
So I deleted it.
It was about me...
Oh well.
He doesnt read these things anymore anyways.
I wish for his happiness
Love,
Me

Fully?

The past couple of days has been nothing but shit....
Nothing good has come out of this past weekend.
I've been upset about so many things
shit happened
and I do shit, or shit happens to me, and they think about it for two seconds, and dont even consider the fact that I would that far for them.

I dont really understand why I am really upset...
Maybe because I am stressing out...
and I wanted to see you?
Maybe because I REALLY wanted that job, or wanted the goggles to come in, Im tired of being poor, my face just keeps looking uglier and uglier, I am tired of being in colorado, Im tired of being alone,.. Im just tired with life period.

I am just tired of being a nobody... Im tired of thinking about the past because Im going nowhere with my future. Im tired of missing friends that no longer exist in my life.

I sit here day after day, and think 'im fricken ugly, I need to stop playing games with this modeling thing' and than I look at someone's pictures and wish I could do something like that.

And than I lay in bed thinking about you all the time...
and than I think 'does he even think about me anymore?'
I cant even make you smile when your thinking about stupid shit all night long, and all day the next day.




Again, Im just stressed out. dont know what Im supposed to do with life...
I dont know what I want in life...
I just know im not as happy as I should be.
Im just a damaged girl.
And I've come to realize that I cant be fixed at all.

idk what to do with myself, and Im alone on this

How!!

So I got my indian outfit today!
I am going to fix it tomorrow, and hopefully get some pictures taken by elle jay



------
never miiind! Was gonna post a whole happy post but than my dad just pissed me off.
Getting pissed off at me because he keeps telling me 'i'll tell you what time I get back in town on friday when I look at the paper' he must have told me the time... ONCE.
If he has said it as much as he says he's said it.... than he should have it memorized,... and if he CANT memorize it... than why get mad at me because I cant memorize it?

UGH!

well, I was gonna do a photoshoot super early in the morning on sunday.... if we were gonna sleep in a hotel from sat night....


now im just all irritated because he has to have an attitude, because I am picking him up from the airport for him, and, just cause I cant remember a time? ugh. whatever.

I just hope we can go to the club in time

Meaning of Life

Sometimes I sit and think...
Whats the point in living?
What the point in having a relationship...

I think...
When your in a relationship...
It can cause more hurt, than joy...
It can even cause you death if your not stable enough...
After 6-8 months into a relationship, your bf/gf would say they would do anything in the world just to see you, and now, they'd rather not.

And than I think...
If you get as far as getting married..
for say you marry at age 22...

once your 24... things get boring.
The romance is gone.
You dont see each other as much.
No flowers, no notes, no dinners, no long letters on myspace.

25 [if your smart] you have your first child...
You guys are back to being romantic.... [in the house]
No movies, no long walks.
You love your child more than you love your spouse.
Your spending all your money on your child and a house/appartment.

Your child turns 1,... either you've already broken up with your gf/bf husband/wife, or if your lucky, your still together.

Your child turns 5.
How cute, your child is in school.
Your either taking turns seeing your child, or if your lucky, your at work, home only in time to see your husband/wife in the mornings, or dinner time.
One of you, or you have a babysitter is now taking care of your child, helping with homework.
You may see your husband and or wife more often... but you dont even look at each other in the eyes. You hug each other, just so your child will be happy.

Your child turns 10, you are 35.
Your wife goes out with her chick friends every once in a while, and the husband goes out and has a beer every once in a while. The wife is trying to impress you again wearing sexy shit to bed.
And your flattered.
Your child is happy, and thinks he/she can stay home every once in a while alone between the ages 11-13. The choice is yours to go out and have fun with your husband/wife.

Your child is 14-16... either doing drugs, having sex, or starting to disobey you. Or if your lucky, your child is a good kid, and spends all his/her time doing homework, hardly ever coming down for dinner, or playing video games, or hanging out with friends.
By this time, you are about 40.
Around this age, your body is starting to age, your body is starting to hurt.

around age 45, if your lucky, your still good looking, and your body is young still, if you kept up with exercising, and good diet, and good health care.
If not, your getting desieses, cancer through out the body, your bones hurt, no make up can save you, and your starting to loose your hair.

Right before this stage, your either a player, in a tuxedo, or your a wife, sitting and reading a book, not even noticing your husband is gone.
By this time, your child is either graduating high school, or already has.
Your child is either into drugs, or sex, hard core, really disrespects you, or is trying to move out. not even saying 'thanks for taking care of me'

Once your child hits 19-22 Your child is asking for lots of money, help with life, or is already having a child... that they expect you to help take care of.... OR they dont even talk to you, and has moved on. But in this time period... they are still living with you, and dont even talk to you or see you anymore.

By this time, you and your husband/wife are sitting on the couch doing nothing with life, and just watching t.v.

afterwards, YOU HAVE GRANDCHILDREN! yay, this is the exciting part. Now your children dont even talk to you, except hollidays, or if your lucky, they check up on you. If your lucky, your with your same husband/wife... now your grandchildren are asking for money.

Your grandchildren are like your new set of children, only, you see them less than you saw your original child.

By this time, it hurts just to get out of a chair...
and if your alive without any cancers or such, than yay for you.
But your probably going to day anyways with in the next 20-30 years.


What REALLY happened in your life?
well, nothing really, just a lot of fucking pain, and a lot of wasted money.

but whatever, thats the cycle of life...
I guess I'll go through with it anyways

Todays a Bad Day

Lastnight I was thinking...
And Thinking...
And crying...
And wondering...
I was going to talk about all this shit thats been going through my head...
But than I thought that it wouldnt get me anywhere...
What would that help me by complaining?
It wouldnt change anything...
I cant change anything...

I dont want to shut down, and just say everythings alright...
But, I dont want to be hurt...
Im waiting to take anger classes...
Till than, I dont know who to turn to...
I cant turn to him, I cant turn to myself

And thats when I start to go crazy...
Im alone, but the thing with people who are alone, dont have drama...
But the people who are with people... yet are alone, have things to go through...
I just want one person to be on my side...
I want to be able to know im not insane... that the things that I think, are actually reasonable.

I just want to say it so bad! But I've already said it which is the sad part....

Rage

You really wanna know how I really feel?
I really want to punch everyone in the face when they piss me off.
I wish I could take things away from the people I hate the most...
I want people to look at me and think 'dont fuck with her'
I want to lay all my emotions down on the table without caring if it hurts someone.
I want to dress just how I want...
I want the coolest car.
I want to sit in a chair, and have people come to me, in a line,... because I have that kind of power.
I want to run people out of town.
I want everyone to know me.

But under all of this...
I want a mother here by my side.
I want a boyfriend, who I dont have to guess if he loves me...
I want the truth... and no side doors.
I want friends, like my old ones.
I want to be beautiful.
I want people to love me.
I want a classic car.
I want to wear a little dress, and be told Im beautiful.
I want to be happy, and smile.
I want people to respect my feelings.

And right now....
I want to be loved,
I want to be held,
I want to laugh,
I want to be told Im worth something,
I want to be on someone's mind all the time,
I want someone to sacrifice something for me,
I want to know whats going on in his head,
I want to be kissed,
I want to be safe,
I want to be the one and only,
I want to feel like everything is perfect.

Im afraid, and,...
I dont want to be used,
I dont want secrets,
I dont want to fall,
I dont want to be scared,
I dont want to be left behind,
I dont want to be 'the other woman'
I dont want this to be like all the others.

Hidden Truth

So a few days ago me and my bf got into this huge fight...
Huge enough that I put it into my very very personal private journal, that I only write in once a month, or every two months.
He had told me this huge plan of his to break up with me...
It lingers in my head still...
And he told me how he went to his friends for advice.
One, who hates me.
second, who I thought was a friend, but yet, I knew he really wasnt a 'friend friend' so his words didnt shock me.
Of course, #1 would tell him to break up with me... of course... she did.
#2 said 'she has control now, wait till YOU have control'

to me... since I have the mind that I have... it means 'wait till she starts to suffer/wait till she breaks/wait till she begs'

Why would your 'better half' make you suffer? Make you break? Make you beg? On purpose??
Those thoughts still linger in my head as well...

He went out and had 'fun'... while I sat in my room alone...
The one and only person I would have gone to,...
Would have been my mother.... Too bad I cant hear her, or touch her anymore.
The only person I had to go to, was my mom who passed away...
I depend on my boyfriend for help and support...
So when he cant help me, I go to a knife... and I dont think of 'cutting' I think of 'ending it'
I think of ripping my hair out, stabbing myself... Since thats how my mom was, since she actually DID stab herself in the stomach, since she DID try to do a lot of things, she could be the only one to STOP me from doing it...
She did what she did... and there were times where she had enough force to not do it again...
That force must have been strong...
So only someone strong like that could stop actions like these...

You probably dont get what im saying...
But like Jared said...
You cant have a teacher teaching people how to... 'stay away from drugs' if he has never done drugs himself... if he has never been an addict.

my bf says 'tell me your thoughts from now on' but I just have so so so many....
and most of them are best left unsaid...
I told him my problem,... too much stress and depression.. too much fear and doubt, I will break, I will fall....
But dont feel like you have to stay with me or 'i'll kill myself if you leave me' because thats not how it works....
just act like an adult when it comes to situations like these....
No games... just straight up tell me... right than and there.

I feel guilty for telling you my depression problems... but I feel like I shouldnt hide it...
I just want to make sure you know your NOT chained to me...

So back to my thoughts....
These ones... not so important, but important...
Tell him or not?
They wouldnt make him happy, but they wouldnt make him 'mad' maybe sad...
But Im tired of hurting people...

But when I dont 'explain' things 100% all the way, they take it totally different...

for example, when I told him 'if you cant handle me, than we shouldnt be together'
How would you take that?
What I meant was 'if you cant handle me at my worst, you dont deserve me at my best...'
again, as in 'no matter how mad YOU are, I will still love you, and want to be there for you, and hold you in my arms... but if you dont want to love me, and be there for me when IM mad... than why should you love me only when im just in a good mood?'

somehow he thought I meant 'it has to be my way, or we're breaking up'
and thats what he told all his friend.... Now even more people hate me.
I bet he hasnt even told everyone that he misunderstood me. =/


I write on here about anyone and everyone... it was meant for me to read and to remember anyways, sorry.

Not My White World

I open my eyes, gasping for air...
I dont wish to kill myself...
Because I'd never see my mother in heaven...
But I have such a strong erg to just end my life.

I can feel the water hitting my face.
Its annoying, but I feel that the water can calm me down.
I feel too weak to stand, so Im curled up on the bath floor.

Everything is white...
The bath, the curtains, the soap, shampoo...
Even I; The color has drained from my skin.
Its like I just saw a ghost... Maybe I have.

Your story, your words...
Its like im watching a play, over and over.
It wont go away, but I wish it to...
I cant touch it,.. but I can feel it.
I close my eyes tightly, just to see it there still after re-opening them.

Its my ghost.
And this is her life:
Your words,... Your story...
You friends... their words...
Your plan,...
Your success.
Her death....

Its the thought right before I go to bed, and the first when I wake.

Im sitting here curled,... tears rolling down my face.
Im watching the water run down my skin, like a river flowing over rocks.
There are the rough parts, and the smooth parts...
All the way down the river, for miles and miles...
Till it joins the ocean, roaring, and crashing.
Shining and silent.
Where old stories have been told,...
Where oil has spilt...
Or the river dies..
tries up to nothing.

I sit there, thinking about you, you and your friends.
I sit here thinking... Im alone.
Why do you come before my friends?
When I would never come before yours?

That goes back to my old thoughts...
Just one little girl in the middle of a big city.
She is surrounded by people...
Yet, she is alone.

And more thoughts come and come...

Winter...
Im sitting there drinking my hot coco...
Alone
By the fire.
The fire which died a long time ago.
A fire that died before anyone could see it's brightness.

A girl, sitting by a dead fire.


Im scared
Scared of everything.
Scared to trust, scared to love, scared to touch, to feel, to need, to want.
Scared of life...
Scared that you know how I hurt, but you do it anyways.
Scared that you listen to everyone TELLING you to hurt me...
Scared because you did it.
Scared because you liked it.
Scared
Scared
Scared

This is not where I wish to be.
I wish to be with my mother.
Gone from any pain anyone could possibly cause.
Gone from the people who know the past
Gone from myself.

I sit in this white tub,...
Everythings so white.
But the pain is still here.

I hope I never have to feel this way...
I hope you will always be there for me next time.
I hope you will hold me as Im dying
Dying all around you.


I felt a pain in my chest.
Not like a heartbreak, though I had been crying for you...
And you chose not to answer...
But a pain that I was dying.
Faster and faster.
More and more.
I felt my heart stop beating...
At that time, I had to take deep breaths..
My back slid down the wall, and I sat there...
Trying to breath.




I feel my death all around me.
And you didnt want to save me.
Thats the path you had chosen.

Homeless

When you lay down in your bed, do you think about how lucky you are?
When you see people sleeping on the streets... do you ever wonder if that could be you?
If you lost your job, and your parents wont help you,...
You cant get a place to work at...
Time is ticking... ticking,... ticking...
Your trying to find friends and family to stay with...
But no one will answer.
Finally, you cant pay for your bills...

Are you ashamed? Where would you go? What would you do?

Are you still yourself?

I couldnt ask for more

I couldnt ask for more.....
Jared is all I could ever ask for.
Sure I dont clean my house like I used to before...
But thats ok...
Cause he's willing to clean my room while im gone xD
And I lovers him more and more and more every single second
Just thought I'd let everyone know ^-^

Is it beautiful?

Unicorns cant feel regret... meaning they never feel any sorrow

Oceanside

Ok... so I asked my 'friends' from Oceanside if they could help with a ride....
guess what?
They ALL just ignored my texts, and messages.... like, private messages.
=/
Sad thing... I bet my ex Donnie [not ronnie] would give me a ride, AND WE'RE NOT EVEN FRIENDS!!!
How sad is that?!?!
It just shows that certain people are always willing to help the people in need...

Mute

What do you do, when the girl who doesnt talk... sings?

I was thinking about how quiet I am... especially around my dad...
He seems to not get me,... acts like Im 4... thinks I care about the weather.

So I thought I'd just talk whats on my mind that Im not going to say outloud...
Its like I have my own little conversation in my mind.

"My salamanders are very active tonight.. Their tiny arms are moving more and more as they swim around."

"Its very late,... and my boyfriend is not yet off of work... Are you sure its legal to work someone 13 hours?? Sunrise to sundown..."

"I want lots of clothing... awesome clothing... something that annoying girl cant top."

"I wish your youtube on your computer would load faster"

"I played video games today! .......for about 10 minutes than fell asleep"

"I need to make my dreads right now... 1, 2, 3 go! Nope... not yet"

"The guy who owns 'VampireFreaks' seems really really camera shy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a_Bpmpym6LQ "

"Omg,... you stupid advertisement... shut the hell up"

"Sorry to say Jared, but the guy who makes the goggles here in Denver... had a really cute, interesting voice."

"But I'd rather hear your voice anyday while hugging me, and yea...."

"GET OFF OF WORK ALREADY! I fucking miss you"

"-sad face-"

"I love learning about cultures o.O"

"Ok,... ima go sit out in the livingroom so my dad doesnt think I hate him"

"You need to be off work by the way..."

Dont Leave Mommy!

So I woke up crying from a dream....
It went something like this:

There was this old couple in front of me...
The old man kissed the lady and said "I finally found the woman of my dreams... I've been carving the initials 'MMM' everywhere I went" he said...

An old women behind me, younger than them however, started laughing...
"How silly! What? Never been married before? Was that your first kiss? Aww how cute..."

I didnt like her attitude, so I thought I'd embarrass her infront of everyone.. and told her the story...

"Ma'am... Those two got engaged,.. and the boy had to go off to world war one...
The lady was told that he died, but something seemed fishy to her, so she searched, and did all this research, and they FINALLY found each other.... MMM stands for
'Mathildes marrying Manech'

And thats why the movie is called 'A Very Long Engagement"

And the lady looked shocked....
I than looked over, and saw my mom in the last isle at the grocery store...
[how people from ww1, and my mom were in this dream, idk... it was like a store for the dead, and the living, and the people inbetween]

My mom was wearing her brown shirt, and carring a little girl that looked just like me when I was about 4...
I know my mom loved it when I was little. she could dress me up and everything.
My mom looked like she did when her cancer had gone away for a few months... Her hair was growing back. Its not like when a guy shaves their head, and it grows back thick...
Her hair was very very soft, and just looked like baby hair, because when your hair falls out, it wasnt cut... these are new hairs growing in.

I ran from the line I was in, all the way up to my mom and gave her a huge hug...
And she smiled at me.
"There is a bird outside that actually sings to me"
And I thought to myself... 'a bird that sings words... wow'
but I dont know [now that I think of it in real life] if thats what she meant... or if she just meant that birds dont sing... but there is one bird that does, and it sings for her.

She than said "Im almost at the top.... "
And I told her 'no,... you can stay here'
But she shook her head... "I dont want to stay here... I'll get wrinkles."
I looked at my mom, dead in her eyes and squished her face, making her wrinkles show up.

[Yes, she was getting old, and her skin was so soft... I can remember... It was like the life was being sucked out of her body when she had cancer.]

I told her that she didnt have wrinkles, and she was as beautiful as always...


But she than told me "Im going to the top now.....Its time for me to go....."



And I woke up crying.

Hello You. Are you back?

So, I have gone through a lot lately...
So I have been posting a lot.
I have gone through shit people will never have to go through.
But, though I have been through a lot... I seem to be way less caring about stuff right now.
Either Im not caring about everything... or im actually happy right now o.o
I think I'd be more happier with friends around... or there was a beach where I could lay and like, love the sun for forever.
I still wish to be anywhere but Colorado...
But for right now, I feel slightly content..
I'll be surprised if this actually lasts.
But if it does... I'll actually be happy to say that I'll be happy for once in my life... again :)

If You Really Knew Me

I post a lot about myself,... complaining as most of you would call it.
I call it 'letting my feelings out'
Looking for attention is what you call it.
finding who your real friends is what I call it.

I was watching 'If You Really Knew Me' on MTV
I think everyone has a story that wants to be told.

Back in high school, Im sure a lot of kids went through stuff, other than who is the best at school.. Other than who is the prettiest, other than top grades.

When kids are happy... You can tell. When kids are sad, you can tell. They didnt care who was infront of them, they would laugh, didnt matter who was infront of them, they would cry.

When you call a place 'home' but when you really go 'home'... does it really feel like home?


When people write, maybe its because they are looking for attention. Not attention like your thinking though. Maybe when people want attention... they are asking someone to be there for them... they are looking to be cared for, they are looking for a chance to be happy. Maybe they cant do it alone... maybe just one person cant fill every hole they have. Sometimes they need help filling in all the other holes.

Was someone there for you every time you needed someone?
Yes? So you got through it easier? You felt better.. So why dont you help another person?
Or no? So you suffered alone... How did it feel? So you dont mind seeing someone else suffer?


If someone told a story online,... would you even read it?
But if they told you that same exact story in person,... would you even listen?
If they started crying,... would you hug them?
Would you mean it?
Would you cry with them?


When you were in school, did you ever talk about your problems?
Did you keep your problems to yourself untill you were out of school?

So as I cant remember complaining so much at school, I feel like I am letting 4 years of my life out in my blogs.
So for those of you who know me now, but not before, Im not complaining.
For those of you who have heard my stories, and all you can say 'I dont see how your alive after all you've been through' or 'I would not be able to be in your spot'
I must say, that I have times in life where Im at my wost, and times that I just let everything drive right past me, without a thought.

For those of you who had to grow up too fast, for those who were never a child..
For those of you who were teased, or told that you were not as good as someone else...
For all of you who's parents dont act like they love you,...
for all of you who are loving, but dont get love back...
For everyone who wouldnt cry when they wanted to...
For those who cry themselves to sleep...
For those who has a bad day, and has no one there for them...
For everyone who is stuck in a shell, and cant get out...
For the people who's lost someone in your life...
For the people who walked out of your life...
For those of you who will act like nothing happened tomorrow...
For everyone who doesnt let it out...
For everyone who does...
For everyone...


I love you.
I may not know who you are...
I may hate you for things you've purposely done to me
I may not trust you..
But I would listen to your stories if you told them to me...
I would hug you if you cried infront of me.
I read your blogs if I see them.
I would crie if you cried... even if its just inside.


When I was in 11th grade my mom got cancer...
I dont even remember telling anyone but Derrick Butcher [my ex]
I went to school and I did hate it, because I was at a new school... but being at the new school, I didnt have very many close friends, so I didnt have to talk about my problems.
12th grade, I stopped hanging out with so many people, and kept to myself mostly.
So again, I didnt tell much people about what was really going on.
The year after I graduated, my mom and I were living back into the house with no heat or AC and this time, no hot water either...
The year after I graduated, my mom passed away.

Im going to go back a few grades....
6th grade, I lived in hotels, and in the car, and in stranger's houses with my mom
7th grade, I moved, and lived in a walk-in closet. No heat, no AC...
8th grade, it was still the same situation.
9th grade, my mom had heart problems. She almost died twice. My mom tried to kill herself infront of me... She bit me, and the school called the police
10th grade, the only problems I seemed to have were boy problems. 10th grade was the best school year I had. I moved out of the closet, and into a room,.. but still no heat or AC


I think everyone needs to open their eyes... and realize people are not complaining... they are letting their feelings out. Wanting to be heard without calling it 'looking for attention'

Today... be there for someone.

Short Term

Lately... I've been happier for some odd reason...
No matter what has happened to me the past couple of days,... it seems like I've been taking it cool.
I lost my best friend Juan... my brother...
And you know what, Im actually fine with that.

And than I realized I dont remember anything that happens really... well of course I do, but a lot of times I dont.
Like the other day I was yelling at Virus about something, and Im not even going to start.... ok ok,.... it was about a bee...
Anyways...
I was yelling at her, and I dont even remember. Well I remember a little,... I just remember yelling at Jared mostly... [since the last time he got stung by a bee, he got flown to the hospital in a helicopter]

But it was as if I blacked out
weird right?
And it seems like I ask things over and over and over...

gosh, I cant even remember where I was going with this blog,...
I guess the movie "Disturbia" doesnt really help.

omg, I love this movie

Fake

I've been thinking...
What do I deserve...?
What Dont I deserve?

Well I've got an answer...
I defiantly dont deserve a spot on this earth.

And I've also been thinking...
Who has ever been there for me?
Who is there for me now?
Who was there for me when my mom was dying?
Or after?

Who was I there for?
No one I guess...
If Im not there for anyone, than why should I believe anyone would be here for me?

Why should I ever believe in this life I have?
I never had friends.... Never will...
No one will be there at my funeral,... other than to spit on my grave...

When will it turn from talk, to action?
What keeps me from killing myself?
I cant wait


Fake love, fake friends.
Fake Life

Im Tired

Im tired of everyone and their crap....
Im tired of everyone hurting my feelings....

People dont watch what they say, so why should I?

I wanted to see him today, but he just knew how to push my buttons till it broke...
I still want to see him, but I just want to yell in his face.
I wanted to see him, but I dont feel like talking to him.

No one gets me... not even him

I would give you everything

I've been laying in my bed thinking... wondering...
Wondering what is wrong with me...

First wondering.... When was the last time I had a REAL best friend that was a girl?
I would think that I would always be there for her if she needed a shoulder to cry on.. I would be there every time she wanted to go out and go shopping, or go get her nails done.

I remember I used to go to get my eyebrows done, or my nails done.... and I KNOW I went with someone... but I cant remember who with. I know it was with my mom... maybe once with my nails.

But if I could have a best friend, who I could TRUST and feel safe around, I would do so much for them...

The last time I thought I had a best friend, and I spent most of my time with her, she went around talking behind my back, and she had sex with the guy I was so madly in love with at the time behind my back... while my mom was dying...

At times, I'd pick her up just to give her rides,... or I even gave her a place to live, let her sleep over at my boyfriends house while she was homeless, and didnt even yell at her when she said she didnt feel comfortable sleeping in the guest room alone... and would crawl into bed with me and my bf at the time....

I think thats when I gave up on having a best friend.

And than I moved onto having best friends with guys, because unlike most girls, I dont need to have sex with every guy I get close to....

And its like I would do so so much for my 'brother' to help him with his huge situation with moving to mexico... or I'd buy my friends food everyday so they had something to eat, and would save their stamps,... I would even drive them around when they just needed a ride.

They no longer really talk to me... but they impacted my life the most in Turlock, so I guess I do have to give them credit.

But if I had a best friend, I would still 'want' to continue the nice things I do....
Let them borrow my stuff,... drive them around, be their shoulder to cry on, do their hair, buy them food....

But every time I do that, something happens, and all the nice things I do are forgotten within a flash.... Its like everything I did means nothing to them.

So why should I keep doing things for other people?

But than Kathy told me,... [in different words] 'you are someone who is caring and giving, that is who you are. Because everyone hates you after you do something for them, dont stop for other people... one nice thing is something more than they wouldnt have gotten without you, and that could impact them later on... they will always remember what you did, even if they dont care'

Ok, so she might not have meant exactly that, but thats what I'd like to think she meant.


I have helped people, letting them stay at my place for months, only to be treated like crap, and them ending up stealing from me...
I have friends try and tell me whats what with religion, as if they ARE a god, and they KNOW what really happened...
I dont care if you believe in god, or if you believe in satan,... If you dont like people trying to turn you into whatever religion... than why are you doing it?
keep it to yourself....

I dont go around telling you how the world is, so dont tell me....
The world is judgmental... you judge me for not being like you,... and I judge you for trying to prove what you think is the way to live...
I always keep my mouth shut untill someone tries to tell me they know what they know as a 'fact' and try to prove it...

Why does everyone tend to put their religion on me? And you know, its always people who are against christians... I have never been preached to more by non christians ever in my life till I moved to colorado.

I can see why I never make friends here, because everyone gives me a chance to be upset, and gives me a chance to get angry

Everyone has shown me the ugly side of living here.... Jared is the only good thing that has happened to me...

If I could have someone here, and we're on good terms, act atleast decent, and not so rude, and childish.... than I would do everything for a best friend.

Im glad I have cali friends willing to come out here

Ex ex ex ex.... Not my thoughts :]

Sometimes my boyfriend makes me sad, mad, irritated, and frustrated...
But sometimes he makes me the happiest person in the whole world.
Sometimes I wish he was more of a dancer, or had more fashion.
But I should be ashamed to wish he was something more than he is...

Sometimes [sadly] I wish he was more like my ex.....
But with all this wishing, I than realize, he is better than a boyfriend who can dance, or a boyfriend with fashion... or a boyfriend that can cook... or a boyfriend that is like my ex...

I have realized.... the best thing, and the most important thing is that he loves me,... He loves me more than anyone else I've ever met... And that tops any wish I could ever wish... well, besides staying with each other for many many years.


I will always love my ex in some sort of way,... but lately I've been thinking,... 'what if I run into him when I need to find richie in turlock....'
Last time when we 'wernt talking' to each other because he was dating,... I called him a fag,... at his house, when he opened the door.

it was kinda funny actually.... well, not to me really,... well kinda. I almost laughed. and I think he did too? actually, I think Alayna's mom came in and was like 'OH!!! THTATS why ronnie is punching the wall, because your here'

heh... ok, it wasnt that funny. Its probably because Im such a respectful girl, and I never say things to hurt people on purpose... like ever. I cant even remember why I called him that... or if I even called him that. Im sure I said 'jerk' or asshole instead of fag.... thats such a harsh word.



ANYWAYS!!! as I was saying.... what if I run into him, what if he tries to mess with my head just because he thinks its funny....

he always had that control over me...
but you know, now that I think about it.... I have something better than I ever had...

something better than him.

I have a boyfriend who loves me more than any ex I've ever had....
I have my own business now.
I dont have drama in my own home.


And than sometimes I think about the past with my friends....
and sometimes I try to think of my ex....
and its kinda funny because....
I think about how much better off I am... About how I forget his name and mix it with someone else's, about how I forgot his face, about how I never say old sayings anymore, about how I'll have a better life, about how Jared is the greatest guy... About how I've moved on.

I no longer wish to be back with him... and all my pictures on the wall have all fallen down, and I no longer care to put them back up...

I still wish to be somewhat friends,... but I am no longer making a goal of it..

I just want to go to cali, show off my fangs, and that I have money to buy new AWESOME clothing...
I just hope I get my fangs in time.


I wanted to make him and his baby a quilt, of a crow and a moon, but.... than I decided not to when I hear some shit about how Im being talked crap about,... when I havnt talked to him in forever.... they have no rights to do that, so Im not gonna make some stupid quilt for them.

Im tired of doing nice things for people when they would never do the same for me.

Jared is better than anything I could ever have.... ever.

Crew

I was talking to an old friend today... she called me on the phone...

She was saying how funny it was [sarcasm] that we were all friends, and now, the original crew doesnt even exist now.

The original crew didnt have me in it,....
the only girls in the crew really were alayna, and rosa, than I came in.

But this is how it went....

There was Damien, hooked up with Alayna, I was hooked up with Ronnie, Ronnie's sister Rosa was hooked up with Steve, and than there was Richie...

And that was pretty much us who hung out all the time everyday.

Damien and Alayna are not friends anymore
Me and Ronnie are no longer friends anymore
Damien's new best friend is Drew,...
Drew was originally Alayna's good friend
Drew got a gang to beat up Richie
Rosa and Steve are no longer friends....

As far as I know....
All the boys are still friends with each other
All the girls are off on their own.... except rosa and ronnie seem to be closer now
I dont think Steve and ronnie are really friends still, as always...
Richie wants to move to colorado

This used to be one huge big family.....
What happened?

Nights of all Nights

Today was just stupid....
Like I tell everyone...
If you really wanted something, you would have said it, or done it.
I wanted two things tonight....

To go to baby bat,....
And to not talk or see Jared. No offense.

He was ignoring me over something I said,... cause of something he said,.. because something I dreampt

Like, all day long all I could think was 'he is ignoring me,... and I've seen this before.... and it all ends exactly like the other'

I hate being ignored on purpose.... especially when we're fighting... Just makes me wonder if we're even still dating....

And that just leads me to jumping to conclusions,... and leads me to just cry all day long.

We cleared our situation slightly... I said what I said, because his text didnt send the full text. [supposedly]

But I had so wanted to go to baby bat....
Last night I was watching videos on what to do with my hair....
and so today, I spent lots of time doing it... just to take it down and do something else....

I was super excited to help out.... but I knew if I went to baby bat, I would have just caused more drama... I wouldnt have been able to hold anything in when it comes to standing up to yourself... especially towards people you love, and the people that you thought loved you back





Sometimes some things are just not worth it anymore =/ idk what to do with myself....

My Best Friends...

My best friends are never my best friends to begin with...
They are all just people who tell me that they can handle me,... that we'll be friends forever.... that we're a family,...

And all of those are just lies.... always.

People I've dated say that we'll always be friends, or they will always love me....
I have a few of those.... but its not enough to call it friendship.

It doesnt matter if you grew up with someone.... It doesnt matter if you spent every single day with them for 5 years,....

It doesnt matter if you told them your deepest darkest secrets.... There is no such thing as 'best friends forever'

Not in my book,... but,.... I still hope Jared will be....
I hope you never hate me,... I hope you dont see like the others do. I hope that you see me different in your eyes... But than I hope you see it, and I hope that your sight never grows old.

Im no damsel in distress, but your still my hero.
Im not homeless, but your still my shelter.
Im not heart broken, but you still gave me your heart.


Im tired of people fighting over a guy, or guys getting mad for their friends dating their exs....
Im tired of girls getting jealous of each other's looks...
or money, or whatever....
Sometimes Im scared to think, to do,... I express my feelings by typing, and responses....
But sometimes letting my friends know how I feel no longer cuts it.... No one cares about what their best friend has to cry about... Its every man for themself....

I can tell you what your doing is wrong,... and you'll hate me for that,... even if Im trying to give you advice,... you'll hate me for that,... If I know something will bring you down,... You'll hate me for that.
Choose what you want with your own life,... Im just trying to point things out.


IDK where I was going with this anymore.... but I just wish there was more people out there that were more understanding, or accepted that people dont like certain things.....

I wish I had friends that would consider me as family...
Its hard to find people like that.
I thank Jared for being there for me.

Life story, again

I wanted to tell you a little story without trying to sound full of myself. It is [to me] a sad heart breaking story.
Im 20, 21 in september. I model every once in a while, but all for free, and have not done something big.
I have always wanted to be on America's Next Top Model but felt limited to size, attitude, personality, life style, and the strong futures of my face.
Though I'm 20 years old, I still act like a child. Ever since I was young, I've always been very quiet, I've always been shy about my body, and I've always been extremely sensitive. My mom would love to take pictures of me, and at the time I was so used to posing, that she'd take so many pictures a day, that I got so tired of the camera, I thought modeling would suck. I was about 5.
01/16/09 my mom passed away from breast cancer which had spread through out her body.
My mom was very fashionable, spent lots of time on her hair, and she always wanted to show me off, especially to her side of the family. I was living alone with my mom since I've been about 13, maybe younger. In the Philippines, the whiter your skin is, the better... Well thats what my mom always said. My mother always wore high heels, took forever fixing her hair, her make up; she was always about looking her best.
When she was younger, she wanted to be a model, but she was 5 foot, 1 inch? By the time she passed, she was 5 foot. When I said she would always wear high heels, I mean always. She wanted to be taller. On a long walk, in the house,... yea, everywhere. Well, when we lived in England, she wore alot of tennis shoes. She would spend alot of time shopping.
Once my parents broke up, I felt like I had to stay with my mom even though I got along better with my father. My 'uncle' moved in, and him and my mom were very close... He retired early, and he didnt get as much money as he thought he was. The money was going to go to the apartment that we lived in. We ended up having to move, but we didnt have much to live off of. Every once in a while, we slept in the car, or went to hotel room to hotel room... we even went and hoped from friends house to friends house. I was 13/14 years old, and still in middle school. I never told my dad because I wanted to stay with my dad... he was giving us money for child support. I can remember pouring a bowl of cereal, at my mom's friend's house, and cockroaches fell into the bowl. School was very tiring with all this running around.
We than moved into my aunt's house, and we lived in their 'built in closet' that they stored clothes, and random junk. It was a small room that was connected to the garage, and the livingroom. This is when my mom and I started having problems.
The room was very tiny, and we had a very tiny bed. It was alright sharing the bed. Even when my mom and dad lived together, my mom would come and sleep in my room, so I was already used to sharing the bed with her. But when it rained, we'd have to cover our stuff with plastic, because the rain would leak through,... and in the summer, the room was the hottest thing in the house. My aunt and uncle only allowed the AC on when they wanted it on, and half of the time it didnt even work... and fans just didnt cut it.
We even had little mice come into the house from our room. I can remember finding a mice that was slowly dying from the poison my uncle had put out for the rats... I took it outside, set out some food, and a little bit of water for the poor dying nice. haha. I have always loved animals so much.

After a while, we had moved to a bigger room since part of the family moved out. Before they moved I had two aunts living there, and two uncles, and three cousins. in addition to that, three more cousins would be there to be baby sat... and I had one more cousin that would go there, but most of the time, I would go to her house and baby sit here there.
I was not very happy there, and my expressions were very strong on my face, and my elder aunt and uncle didnt like that. It was considered very disrespectful. This is where my mom and I got into the most fights, mainly about being disrespectful, and my school grades.

During this time, my mom had a few heart problems, and a few times she was very close to dying. One of her heart values [or whatever its called] was not working properly, and so she got medication. The nurse for some reason, prescribed her medication way too strong for her, and twice, she almost died. I cant remember what age I was, but I think I must have been 15 or 16.

After that, my dad really wanted me to move in with him after he had seen where I was living, and I agreed... if my mom was allowed to move in too. We moved up to rancho benardo from Oceanside. It was where I went to elementry school at, and partly middle school. I wasnt very pleased with living there, but my boyfriend would drive 30 minutes every weekend, and even on the week days to come see me, so I was alright. But while living there, we found out my mom had a cyst. She had let it get so big, and than finally she went to get it looked at, and get it removed. I can remember I was taking a nap in my boyfriends house, and I got the call, that underneath the cyst, was cancer. Since she had let it go for so long, she had to get surgery, and get her breast removed.

My mom had always just sat in the room and done nothing but read before, but now it happened alot more now that she couldnt really work with having to go through chemotherapy and work properly at work. I thought if I treated my mom like she didnt have cancer, she would think less and less of it, and think positive... That didnt really work. My mom dint go swimming often, since she had gotten overweight, and she had one breast. She no longer picked up the camera, no longer video taped, and she wasnt very lively. After a while of having cancer, she got a slipped disk. She couldnt get surgery on it while having her chemotherapy, so this whole time she was suffering through all this pain in her back, sometimes couldnt get out of bed. She was always in so much pain.

There was times where we got into huge arguments, where we would say very negative things, sometimes even push and shove. Thats when I found out I had a sister and brother. They were from a different father that my dad didnt really know about. This was back when she lived in the Philippines though. My sister had been living in the US but only decided to make an appearance when she found out my mom had cancer. We than ended up moving go an apartment across the street from my school, and than my mom, I and my boyfriend moved into a new apartment, and I graduated high school. My mom's cancer had gone away, which we were really excited about. My mom was growing her hair back, and she was becoming more alive. She was taking chemotherapy which allowed her hair to grow, and didnt drain her so much. We were getting close together again. After a while, we couldnt afford to live there on our own. She moved back in with my aunt, and I lived with my boyfriend. I couldnt stand his parents, and my mom was doing better, so I went to move in with my dad for a while and by the time I came back, my mom had gotten cancer again, and it was alot worse. I ended up moving into my aunt's... but this time they were renting the house out to us [illegally.. the house was not paid for... or something like that] They were staying at their son's house.

This time, we were not allowed to use hot water, because one, it took up money, and two, it was somewhat broken. But if I knew they wouldnt be visiting the house for a few days, I would go and turn the hot water. [and some how, they would always find out] But my mom got really sick from not being able to use the heater itself, and the hot water. I would usually go and take a shower at my boyfriend's house. Alot of the times, my boyfriend would take my mom to her chemotherapy, or drive her around places.

I was getting so stressed from having to take care of my mom so much at the age 18. I had to take care of myself, and her. She had to take so much medication by this time. I can remember waking up at 3 in the morning to bring my mom her medication. At this time, I dont know why, but I was always sleeping in the living room. I came home one day from work I suppose, and Derrick told me that he had taken my mom to the doctors, which lead to her being taken to the emergency, which than lead her to be taken to the Hospic.... A place for expected dying people.

My dad came down, and almost my mom's whole family came to see her, except her son, and her parents, which were in the Philippines... and my grandmother on my dad's side didnt come down [from what I can remember] which was kinda disappointing. After a while, I had broken up with my boyfriend, and moved in with an old friend because my aunt and uncle wouldnt let me live at the house for free, and it was my mom's and dad's retirement that we were living off of, so they kicked me out while my mom was in the hospice. Me and my friend started dating soon after.

My mom was doing bad,... She didnt know who I was at time, or couldnt really speak, couldnt sit up. She was doing so bad, that we had to have a meeting to get me ready for her possible death. They said that she was doing so bad, that they couldnt continue the chemotherapy because that would just maker her more weak, that she could possibly just die from the chemotherapy. It was all happening so quick, and I had asked for my grandparent's church to pray for her, and for my friends to pray for her, and for their church to pray for her... and than one morning, I came in, and she was perfectly fine. She was talking she was doing so great. She was doing so well, that the doctors said that she could actually go home. My mom and dad set off their differences, and agreed to get re-married as soon as my mom was all better.... Unfortunately, just a few days later she was just as bad as before... This whole thing was very hard, trying to spend most of my time in that room, and trying to work at the same time. By this time, I did have my own car, but I did not have a license. After a while my mom couldnt afford to stay at that hospice, and she was moved to a different one... It was a very busy place, she had a small room, and it was a very smelly place, but good thing was, some of the nurses were Filipino, so she had people to talk to when I was not there. But she got worse and worse, and one day, the doctor there called me in. That day I spent the whole day there... 12, till about 11pm That day, my mom couldnt really speak, couldnt stand, and couldnt really keep her eyes open.I remember by the time it was time for me to go, she was begging me, and begging me, pulling on my clothes, really not wanting me to go. She asked for me not to go, pleading and really wanting me to stay, like in her mind it clicked that something was going to happen, because she made no sense all day long.

The next day I came in with my boyfriend, and stayed with her. Her body was trying to breath, but she wouldnt wake. It was like when someone is crying really hard, your chest moves really fast, and calms down, and moves fast, and calms down.... I called Derrick, my ex [that I had been with for over 2 years] and it took him a while to get here, so my bf and I sat outside, and waited, and when he came, we walked into the room, and they said my mom passed away 20 seconds before I had entered the room. I was sad on many levels... and when the thought came in that I didnt get to hold my mom's hand before her last breath had me crying pretty hard.

My mom's friend and I organized the funeral, but of course I had to make all of the depositions. Most of my family was upset that I didnt have an open casket funeral, and that it was disrespectful to the Filipino culture, but I knew at how much my mom took care of hserself, and how much she cared about her appearances, and the fact that she wanted to be cremated andyways....

Before my mom died, a few months back, my mom would always ask me to take her to the beach... and I never did, and I hate myself for that. When I think of it now, she would have been so happy to sit at the beach and just listen to the kids laugh, and to the ocean... she would run into the water, and because she was dying, she didnt care who was staring at her, but I did... and I'm ashamed of the way that she would be all wild and such.... But I should have taken every time she asked... A wish before she died...

And while she was at the better hospic, my sister brought in her new son... so atleast my mom got to see a grandchild, even if it was of a child that she wasnt close to.

After my mom passed away, I found out that my bf was cheating on me with about 7 other girls, so I ended up moving to my grandparent's house... During that time, I was having so much fun, and I had great friends, I had no worries, and I was also volunteering at a nursing center where my grandma worked at. The only problems I had was my grandpa didnt really like me staying there. Turlock [the town I lived in] was where I had been the happiest for a long long time, and they booted me out to go live with my dad in Colorado... In Turlock, I had been dating a boy, who I was sooo badly inlove with. I had never met anyone like him. I still think about him to this day,... which is over a year ago. We were friends, and sometimes I get jealous when I think about him and his new gf who is pregnant. I was the one who broke up with him under something confusing.

Now I live in Denver, CO with my dad. I had been with another boy, I had moved back to California for a short time... a boy seemed like he was so inlove with me, but behind my back, he was dating his ex... with me living in his house. His mom kicked me out of the house because she thought I was ignoring her about my cat scratching the carpet.... well it was her fault for locking my cat up in the room 24/7
But once I got back to colorado, a few weeks after, he just stopped talking to me out of nowhere, just 'what restaurant are you at?' and that was it...

Now dating a new boy, who I like alot.... Ever since I found out my mom got cancer, I have had such a bad attitude, been depressed alot, and it causes lots of problems. Right now everything is perfectly fine, except the fact that I think about my mom all the time, and I miss the past, with her, and with my friends... My boyfriend puts up with all my anger that is always built up, and all the depression. Sad thing is, he is on parole... He used to do, and sell drugs, and got set up and sold to a cop one day. He did a year in jail, but he is doing much better now.... He has not done any drugs since than... He got out of jail about 5 months ago, and we found each other online... well I found him like two days after he got out of jail. He is super nice, and always wants to see me, and spends most of his time talking to me, texting me, or spending his days with me.

Like I said, I model, but nothing too big. Sometimes I spend too much time trying to edit my face on photoshop, and I can take so many pictures, and only even 'like' a few of them. I dont like anything about my face, except my eyes, and dont like my body.... My mom always wanted to be a model, and always wanted me to be a model... and when there are pictures that I really like, I wish I could show my mom. I used to model runway when I was little, and she was always happy about that... I think if she saw atleast some of my pictures, she'd be proud about those.

Well, thats my life story.
Thanks,
Krystalle Wetzlich

bigg topp circuits

Im just posting this for kicks and giggles.... just to see if I could post it enough to win shit

Potato patato

well finally my ex faience is dating again....
this potato girl,.... a punk that I used to go to school with.

its been 2 years....
Im happy for him

Dear Mom

I wish I could kill myself right now..... Im taking up too much space in this world.... and I dont even want to be here at all..... I want to be alive!!! I cannot be happy, NO ONE CAN MAKE ME HAPPY!!! No one.... I hate myself, and I hate e veryone else.....

I want to be dead.... but if I killed myself... I wouldnt see my mom when I dye in heaven.... if im even going to heaven.

Happy Birthday To Me

I was gonna write what I wanted for my birthday, which I still might do,... but Im gonna write a non realistic thing I want for my bday....

Jared and I were talking about if we moved in with each other, who would cook dinner...
And that reminded me of back in the past.. and well, partly now...
I always worried about my grandparents or dad about dinner time, or spending time with them...
But when I move, I wont have to worry about that. I mean, there will be plenty of days I'll go just to hang out with my dad and such, but back then, I was having so much fun, I never ate dinner.... I ate it 3 in the morning when I came home.

Sometimes I wonder where I went.... why was I so happy then, but not now? I'll just get irritated at Jared with the smallest thing, but maybe im not irritated at him. Maybe I just have so much sadness stuck inside of me that it needs to 'find a reason' to get out...

I feel like I could write about this topic over and over, and I STILL wont get it...
I feel less stressed when I type about things...
But sometimes I could type and type and type... and I'll still be sad.

Sure I had all my friends to make me feel loved, and happy, and get my mind off of things... Sure they were the greatest people I've ever met.... But is that the real reason why I was happy? Maybe, just maybe....

Maybe I miss them,... or maybe I miss myself. I feel loved now, so why dont I feel happy now? Maybe its the fact that I felt like I had a family... that I dont have now. Its not that I lost them,... its that I moved, and I've lost contact with them. My brother is still my best friend, but he is hardly online... and he moved to Mexico, so I can no longer see him in Turlock.

What I want for my birthday is to be back with the crew,... to have them all close to me... [with a job this time tho]

For my birthday, I wish to be happy all the time... I was so happy back then,... I had no huge dreams, because I was living the dream.

I didnt care for modeling, I didnt care about my looks.... I hardly cared about my weight even though I did exercise alot,... The only thing that was bringing me down was my grandpa, and bills, but I didnt seem to have a huge problem paying those off. I never had to pay for anything to have fun.... And when I felt like the crew was getting tired of me, and I'd skip a day of hanging out.... I got called over for breakfast, or to meet someone's family...

It's been a year since I've moved to Colorado.... and they are all still on my mind everyday...

Or,... am I on my mind? Am I really thinking about me, instead of them? Am I thinking about how happy I was?




Dinner..... who had time to think about dinner back than?

To be wanted

So the other day I told a friend that I wish he could have came to this event...
and he said 'nah... I had so much fun on friday'

o.O wow... ok... at least you can say 'ya me too, [but] I had lots of fun on friday'
To tell someone you'd rather not be with them who just told you 'I wish you were there' is slightly... well, rude....

One, for someone to even WISH they were hanging out with you should be a honor... To even have friends is an honor...

I've told people before that I wish they were here with me.... and even if they would rather be some place else... well, atleast you could say 'me too' is that so hard?
I mean, does no one care if your hurting someone's feelings?

I mean... really? even if you'd rather be with your family, or out at a party.... if there is no part of you what so ever that wants to see a friend or a lover.... than why be friends with that person? if not now, than when?

2x1 is still Just 2

While I was laying down the other day with my boy while he was sleeping, a thought came into my mind about my ex...

One day he asked if I could be in a relationship with him and his new gf... Which I was rather flattered by... For me, out of all his ex's that he asked.... and trust me, he had a lot of exs....
It was one of those times that I came down to visit Turlock that he asked me....
It was right before he left to see his gf for the first time. [yes he met her online]
It was on his birthday [Im pretty sure]
I think I gave him the most retarded gift ever.
And than later on down the road, she messaged me saying I messed everything up....
They had been fighting about me.... o.O which was weird,... I hadnt talked to Ronnie in a long time. He pretty much ignored me since he got with her... Which was alright.
I could understand. Last time he had a new gf.... well I guess Ronnie still liked me, and I was the whole reason why they broke up.

And thats all nice to know that he still cared.... And of course I'll always still love him in some way....

But now Im dating Jared Johnson... and he makes me smile a whole heck of alot.... :]
And when I was thinking about all of this, I started to think about my friend Abby...
She was in a two way relationship with another girl and another guy... she was in it for the girl...
And they used her...
Thats how relationships usually go in a two way relationship.

IF I would have gone with Ronnie.... eventually he would have decided to get married, and to have kids... Moon stated on her vf that she never wants to have kids.. and now she's preggo.
So Ronnie could have chosen me,... [and idk what her situation is] But I have the money to take care of a child, to have a home, to do this, and that... But I wouldnt have had a child before getting married... so he would have probably chosen her for that matter....
So in that case.... Ronnie and Moon would have gotten married, and had kids....
and I would be the 3rd wheel...

And as that was going on, I probably wouldnt be happy...
So in this moment, me and Ronnie would be out doing stuff, since Moon would be stuck at home being preggo....

Jared would probably be doing something else...
And once Moon had her child, Ronnie would be spending all his time with her, and all my hard work would be going down the drain...

And Jared would probably be with another girl right now...
And I would be feeling alone.
I wouldnt have had a child with Ronnie as he was with some girl with a child already....
So if I HAD gone with Ronnie.... I would have wasted my whole life, and I would have never met Jared....

Days of Days

Yesterday was interesting and kinda cute....
And I thank my bf for that....

We went to the state park which was kinda boring but kinda nice...
I still miss the beach though.

And than we drove around forever looking for hotels for global...
that sucked.
I so need a job.... Im tired of Jared paying for everything. makes me feel bad
And than we went out to eat... which reminds me.... FOOD!!
I should go eat now.

After that we went to another park and played with piper....
THAN!!!!

We went to this pond.....
and there are huge ass tadpoles...
omg, they are huge.
and there were huge frogs!!!

Me and Jared want some as pets :]
but I have no room for some....
so maybe we should find a pond that has smaller frogs and tadpoles...
but where, idk...

but idk if my dad would even let me have a cage in the house when I cant even keep my own room clean....
Plus I dont have money for a cage or food, so I guess I'll have to pass on this.
oh well =[

SCA

Day 1


ok, like a week ago I left to go to an SCA event....
it was a long drive there, and I was texting Jared untill I lost service.... and well he was busy working on the road....
so I clung onto his pillow and fell asleep.
I wasnt too excited about the trip at all.... infact, I only wanted to go to keep my dad company, and to paint....
Well we got there, and the first thing I noticed was a group of guys,... and girls, looking to be around my age.
I thought it would have been cool to atleast be somewhat friends.
And the boy with white hair reminded me of this one gay kid in Turlock, he is such a sweet heart! I loved him... forgot his name though. But anyways, so we drove past them, and I got introduced to a few of my dad's old friends.

Anyways, we found camp of by some of our friends.... I dont even want to bother with names. All I know is 'Al and Penny' and 'Key' or whatever her name is... the rest are just.... well I dont talk to them, so I guess thats why I cant remember their names.
We started setting up camp, and it was funny, because in the SCA people are really big about helping others.... well guess what? No one fucking helped us till the very fucking end.... How nice... >.>

from then on, I cant even remember... I think I sat there painting..... oh! than we went out for a walk.... like the whole crew. Or house hold I should say... well, we're more part of Duke albert's house hold than the rest, but whatever. [duke albert is Al] I was still in my shorts, and tenni shoes [sp] and than... whats her face, that teacher lady who hates kids was all like 'spt... Krystalle [its Bridget!!] your missing your bottom half'
And than that one lady with the white hair, shes like super pretty for her age, anyways... she and key were all like 'nooo! keep your shorts on, you have super nice legs, if I had legs like yours I'd be showing them off all the time... dude, my leg is about the size of your HIPS!'
I was just like 'oh... my.... god.... im like sooo insecure of my legs its not even funny... and I even pick at them till they bleed often' only I didnt say it out loud, actually I didnt say anything at all... I hate when people tell me how pretty I am... cause really, Im not lol. I dont model cause I think im pretty, I model cause I like making art out of pictures... not making a person pretty by a picture

after a while, my dad and I decided to go to the car, which is quite a walk.... so we got there, and the boys I saw were sitting out there... They were incharge of parking,.. and such.

So on the way out, one of the boys yelled out something like 'if your ever bored, come to the parking, we're made of fun and we're always bored' than my dad yelled something like 'lets party' or something.....
o.O why are these guys yelling? Im right here... Im not deaf.... Im just ignoring you >.>

Than I got stuck being introduced to my dad's friend again.... I think it was the same one I met when I first got in when we were paying....
So I stood there watching the boys... No, Im not a stalker.... I just watch people... havnt you realized? Goths sit back and watch alot especially in the dark... and it was dark....
xD j/k j/k im not THAT creepy.


anyways.... what, we went back to camp and we... ate.... junk food. yay.
and than I think I called Jared, which was awesome, cause my dad's phone had service....
and than yea, I think I went to bed early.


Day 2



next morning I got up around 7... I cant even remember that day clearly. Yay for memory problems. But I could have sworn I got ready for the day, and saw Amanda talking with people around the camp area....
[ok, this part is gonna jump around sooo much]
anyways, I got ready, and sat around doing nothing, maybe painted...
and than I saw one of the parkinglot boys walk past my tent, like,.... a million times... Only I couldnt really tell if it was him. Just seemed like it.

Than my dad got ready for war... the maylays... or however you spell it.
So I went out there to take mucho pictures.... and some guy decided he wanted to walk right infront of me while I was trying to take pictures....
And he stepped on a cactus xDD ha, bitch.

But it was rather interesting.... but once my dad was done after a few hours we just sat and rested, and went back to camp


But than I went for a walk with my dad again, probably heading down to merchant's row and yet again, we saw the boy... and I think he yelled out the fact that we keep seeing each other. Again with the yelling. Or maybe that was when we were filling our shower with water... yes, a bag shower for camping.

ok, so..... I think that day I ended up buying clothes..... :D yaay
and the guy we were buying from said he'd sell us wholesales for my store once I friggen get it open.... which i hope is soon....

Than I think it was finally night time.... and the Pirate party was going on. So my dad and I,... and the rest of the people got together and headed down that way... Key and my dad and I stood around talking, and I think Amanda was there too.... only I dont think I actually realized she was there till Key was talking about these guys walking around without shirts on... yes, it was like they were a werewolf pack from twilight..... only some of them were light skinned. She said that one was hot, but he looked super young... I dont think he was as young as she said he was... Asian guys just look so much more younger than they really are.

anyways, so my dad met up with a friend.... it was rather disturbing... o.O my dad said something like 'hey, you better not lay a finger on her' and than he like.... idk,... I dont even want to remember. all I know was I got hella disgusted, and turned to Amanda, and said that we should walk away, and fast. There is a reason why I feel all grossed out when guys even just put a hand on my shoulder... well, unless I like them, but yea.

So than Key decided she was gonna force us to dance... and trust me, I didnt want to dance... but I probably looked more of a fool trying to run away and saying 'no no nono no' over and over than I did when I was actually dancing.... so me and Amanda decided to go into the dancing pit around the fire.... than I decided I wanted to get rid of my coat, and get my gypsy belt.... and I think thats when I saw the boys again....

No, wait, got that mixed up. I left BEFORE I met up with the creepy guy that was friends with my dad.... Yea. I left to go put my coat away, and ended up walking past the boys, and thats when one of them yelled out 'nice hat' and I stared at him, and the cannons went off, and he pretended to have gotten shot... o.O <--- the exact look I had...
and I told him to stop stalking me, and I walked off....
[man this is all out of order....]
anyways! at some point of time Key was talking about that dude, and than I went off talking about my stalker.... that I kept seeing. Than my dad said how he thought he was flirting with me... and when we were talking about him, he kept walking infront of us, like over and over....

ok, anyways! every time I passed him while he was with a crowd he kept yelling out how I was stalking him, and his friends were backing him up..... but oh well.... Me and Amanda went back and started dancing again....
after a while, lol she said she wanted to meet some guys. Yes, thats what the SCA does to you.... gotta party and get drunk. :] Just no drugs

anyways, so I saw that boy, which he said his name was Issac earlier.... I think like one of the times I passed him. that night was super confusing sorry.

anyways... so I walked up to him with Amanda... and said that she needed a guy for the night....so we just stood there chatting for a while till we met up with his other friend, Clouse....
what a cute couple they would have been. so we found Jack sparrow at the pirate party... of course... and I than yelled at him asking him to give amanda a kiss, but RIGHT BEFORE I said 'could you give amanda a kiss' she attacked me, covering my mouth lol. I might have screamed,.... maybe lol. [note, I cant really scream]

anyways, we ended up walking all over the place, and everyone decided to tease me with my fear of shit in the dark.
We walked to like,.... nowhere, and than back to the party, than over to Amanda's camp... her parents were gone for the night. I was gonna sleep over, but I wanted to send Jared a few texts, and I didnt want to bother my dad....
but we all sat around Amanda's camp cracking jokes and being stupid....

Than I headed back for camp.... my dad didnt even realize I had gotten in till about 5? and I got there around 3? or 2?

anyways, it was friggen windy as all hell... couldnt sleep one bit. I pretty much laied there all night long just... staring, and wondering what was going on with the dreads I was making [which I finally just finished btw] and wondered if they had all blown away yet... they were all tied up on my tri-pod....

but than my dad woke up, and told me to go get them.... ugh... sooo didnt want to get out of bed, and guess what? They just fell over, nothing more, nothing less.
anyways, I finally fell asleep around 7 and woke up at 8


Day 3


Ok, so I finally got out of bed and my stomach was hurting like, mucho ness.... and I had realized that the guy gave me a child's size skirt.... well, I had the skirt and a kids top... but didnt realize I had a kids top just yet... so Amanda came over, and we went down to the merchant's row again, and I returned it for a scarf, that I turned into a top....
I cant remember that day at all to save my life....
Amanda went over to Al & penny's place, I took a nap, called Jared... was all irritated cause, well, I wanted him at the event than at home.... cause I hated being alone, and he took it as I didnt want him seeing his family, so we were kinda in a fight,.... I guess,... and the fact that my car was broken, and that Rob was at my house.... I didnt want other unknown guests at my house..... and I hated being alone, and bored.....

anyways I think my dad left that day. After a while, Amanda's friend came over, and I showed him the heavy armor fighters at the maylays cause Amanda was feeling sick again.... but afterwards we came back, and I stayed in my tent again alone.....

Than I kept seeing Issac but I guess he was too busy to chill... Oh, I think Amanda changed her name that day for her SCA name... Amice De Claira Her parents were there that day, so we chilled with them for a while.... Her dad told me there were kids catching tiger salamanders o.O omg........... but thats ok, I was gonna buy one, but decided not to.... they do build up a character like a dog or cat would, but I thought they looked a little too scary for me.
Than Amanda and I headed up the hill... and there is this path between where a pond used to be, and a hill that goes down to nothing... but on this path we found the boys fencing... so we stopped and talked to them, since that was the path to my tent.... so we stood there talking. it was rather interesting.

We kept running into them, just like amanda and I kept running into Newt [I used to live with him when I first moved out to colorado]

So Im just gonna skip to the night cause I cant remember anything else. But yea, that night was the toga party... o.o scary?
Not really, there was not alot of people there. But yea, Amanda and I met up with the boys again.... omg, was too funny. they had a chariots race!! but with humans. Guess who were the ones racing? Issac and Dylan? Albion boy! whatever his name is. anyways.... yes, albino boy. no really,... like his eyelashes are white.... Nothing to make fun of... and supposedly he is blind, but I highly dought that... maybe just a little he says he could feel all the vibrations....

anyways, the race was off!!! and Issac fell.... dramatically.... haha... and than when Dylan turned the corner, he tipped on of the torches down... the girl on the chariot got off to put it back up so we wouldnt burn the whole area down, than ran and 'jumped' back onto the chariot... and BROKE IT!!! or was that Issac's driver? anyways, one of them finished, and the other one had to carry the girl on their back. it was hella funny....

than they went off looking for me and amanda and clouse..... it was funny watching them try to find us.

Afterwards, I think Dylan and Issac kiddnapped me so that amanda and clouse could be alone... Issac wanted them to have a -cough cough- romantic time with each other without us there.... but after a while they found us lol

So we walked off to the river that Amanda and I found earlier that day, [cause she felt like she was gonna die from the heat... so we had sat there earlier that day playing in the water while I was trying to kill a spider] and we all just sat around... and everyone was poking me cause it was sooo funny to watch me freak at night >.> than we all played truth or dare, and made up silly rules just so we could get around to daring clouse and amanda to kiss.... it was all too funny watching her freak, but in a way, it was weird, cause me and Issac wanted them to soo bad cause they never really had a cute romantic kiss before...
Issac wanted it for clouse, and I want Amanda to not have to say 'ive never kissed a boy' cause,... idk... cause she's pretty and deserves a kiss

Dylan ended up getting totally butt ass naked.... and my god, he is white.... lol but like everyone was covering my eyes cause im not allowed to look cause I have a bf lol but Dylon had to go into the river, I think, cant remember. it was funny though. Cause everyone was saying the sun came out when he took his shirt off... hes that white xD

anyways, that night was a windy night, but we all stayed up all night long till about 5 or something... I went to my tent, and Amanda went home for the night... . like to her real house,... cause its only like 30 mins away.
I called Jared at like 5, kinda crying... I missed him way too much and wanted to be with him than being at the SCA event


day 4


I woke up and called Jared again, and,.... idk, painted, sat around and than my dad came back around 2.... I probably took another nap, or something....
Oh, I walked around by myself shopping for stuff for Jared ^-^ I got him a shark tooth necklace cause he lost one when he was younger,... and I got him this interesting bracelet.... and I got these stupid earings that this lady said I didnt need to gage out my ears for... but I did... ugh. 16 to 12s I think? or 18s to 16s....

anyways, my dad came home, and went off to war... and me and Amanda went out to watch just for a lil,... than we came back and found Dlyan and clouse at the fencing area.... so we sat there for a good while and chatted.... and after a few hours of just sitting around we decided to go to our camp sites.... I had no clue where my dad was... but I just sat there for a good while, than I found Dylan walking back to his tent, so I talked to him for a bit, and than we both went over to their camp place since it was right next to mine sorta.... and we met up with clouse again... and he wanted to go get amanda, but she didnt want to walk around anymore, so I went off with Issac, clouse and albino boy to get food.... only, I wasnt in a good mood..... so I didnt reallly think they were funny at the time, pluse they were talking about doing each other's moms.... thats just gross, even if its a joke.... I hate mom jokes.... like, alot.... so we sat there, than I just kinda left them, but met up with duke albert than met up with my dad.... I was SUPPOSED to go to my tent and sleep, but I just kept running into people....

than my dad and I walked around, and I found out about the free fest,.... than he got stuck with helping some guy with something,... which would have been way too heavy for me,... so I just walked off.... and I think me and amanda chatted again, walked around, than she found out that she had to leave.... bummer.

so after that I went to go look for my dad and couldnt find him ANYWHERE during the feast.... he was hiding with his friends behind a tent where there was shade... ugh. no food for me... yet again.

after that I went and slept for a while, than went back down and found Issac as a guard during the court that was going on.... he was with his knight... which got me really confused... he is SUPER young to have a knight.... [to have a knight means to have someone teach you all there is to know about BEING a knight]
and when you have a knight, you get a RED belt... he was happy he got a black belt... o.O everyone gets a black belt... its not a specialty.... when you get a knight, you get a red belt... No offense but I think they are screwing with your head.

but yea, than we all smelt a STRONG sent of weed..... so they sent people to go look for them.... especially since the sheriffs were there.... idk why.

anyways, so Issac told me to go tell Clouse that Amanda left, cause he wanted to hang with her that night, since he was offered to guard, but he said he had something planned with 'a special girl' of course when I did go off and tell him, he just shrugged it off... as any 'tough' guy would. was kinda funny.

And than their friend that is like always surrounded by chicks kept staring at me.... so I finally gave in, and looked back at him and gave him a smile.... >.> oh god Krystalle, why? so he than started talking to me, saying how boring court is... well duuuuhhh!! who likes court? the only fun thing about it is if you have funny people up there, or yelling out 'hazza!' why do the people at the rennifair yell it out? idk, cause its not period....

anyways,.... so he than started asking stuff like how long have I been in the SCA and do I like it.... I finally spotted my dad and was like 'yea, well.... Im only at court cause im looking for my dad... bye' I mean ew.... he was somewhat attractive, but I think he must have had like 10 one night stands in the past 4 nights....

anyways, so I went off and sat with my dad.... and than we talked with his friends after court was over.... afterwards we went off to our camp than back down cause there was a idian [like the gypsy idians] party going on, and we sat around watching people dance... and I saw Issac,.... but my interacting night was over.... I didnt feel like talking to anyone. I just wanted to go home....
after a while I told my dad I wanted to go to sleep, and my dad INSISTED to come with me,... which I kinda wanted to go off alone...I think I went to bed soon after that.

The next day my dad decided that he wanted to go home... after all, he did 're-break' his ribs from the car accident from a year ago so yea.... so I wrote Clouse a letter with Amanda's info to contact her, than i wrote Dylan and Issac one with my info to contact me.... and as I was writing it, Issac came up to say bye so I just gave him the letters than. after saying bye, we were finally off... I was in so much fricken pain cause yea... that time of month, and no pain killers..... omg, that was the worst trip in my entire life!!!!! I almost threw up from all that pain........
yay for me... >.>
I almost died lol

I was sooo irritated that day. yay happy 4th of july.

Now this time, I better see everyone at Baron's war... cause ima bring my bf :]


Amanda: MAN FLESH!!!
Me: WOMEN FLESH!!!
Dylan&Clouse: Hairpies
Issac: The sun came out!
Me: Hey look! The men with no shirts.... the new age werewolves


[for anyone new reading this.... I post blogs like this because I have a terrible memory problem... If I dont write about, or take pictures, It'll probably never exist in my mind]