Life story, again

I wanted to tell you a little story without trying to sound full of myself. It is [to me] a sad heart breaking story.
Im 20, 21 in september. I model every once in a while, but all for free, and have not done something big.
I have always wanted to be on America's Next Top Model but felt limited to size, attitude, personality, life style, and the strong futures of my face.
Though I'm 20 years old, I still act like a child. Ever since I was young, I've always been very quiet, I've always been shy about my body, and I've always been extremely sensitive. My mom would love to take pictures of me, and at the time I was so used to posing, that she'd take so many pictures a day, that I got so tired of the camera, I thought modeling would suck. I was about 5.
01/16/09 my mom passed away from breast cancer which had spread through out her body.
My mom was very fashionable, spent lots of time on her hair, and she always wanted to show me off, especially to her side of the family. I was living alone with my mom since I've been about 13, maybe younger. In the Philippines, the whiter your skin is, the better... Well thats what my mom always said. My mother always wore high heels, took forever fixing her hair, her make up; she was always about looking her best.
When she was younger, she wanted to be a model, but she was 5 foot, 1 inch? By the time she passed, she was 5 foot. When I said she would always wear high heels, I mean always. She wanted to be taller. On a long walk, in the house,... yea, everywhere. Well, when we lived in England, she wore alot of tennis shoes. She would spend alot of time shopping.
Once my parents broke up, I felt like I had to stay with my mom even though I got along better with my father. My 'uncle' moved in, and him and my mom were very close... He retired early, and he didnt get as much money as he thought he was. The money was going to go to the apartment that we lived in. We ended up having to move, but we didnt have much to live off of. Every once in a while, we slept in the car, or went to hotel room to hotel room... we even went and hoped from friends house to friends house. I was 13/14 years old, and still in middle school. I never told my dad because I wanted to stay with my dad... he was giving us money for child support. I can remember pouring a bowl of cereal, at my mom's friend's house, and cockroaches fell into the bowl. School was very tiring with all this running around.
We than moved into my aunt's house, and we lived in their 'built in closet' that they stored clothes, and random junk. It was a small room that was connected to the garage, and the livingroom. This is when my mom and I started having problems.
The room was very tiny, and we had a very tiny bed. It was alright sharing the bed. Even when my mom and dad lived together, my mom would come and sleep in my room, so I was already used to sharing the bed with her. But when it rained, we'd have to cover our stuff with plastic, because the rain would leak through,... and in the summer, the room was the hottest thing in the house. My aunt and uncle only allowed the AC on when they wanted it on, and half of the time it didnt even work... and fans just didnt cut it.
We even had little mice come into the house from our room. I can remember finding a mice that was slowly dying from the poison my uncle had put out for the rats... I took it outside, set out some food, and a little bit of water for the poor dying nice. haha. I have always loved animals so much.

After a while, we had moved to a bigger room since part of the family moved out. Before they moved I had two aunts living there, and two uncles, and three cousins. in addition to that, three more cousins would be there to be baby sat... and I had one more cousin that would go there, but most of the time, I would go to her house and baby sit here there.
I was not very happy there, and my expressions were very strong on my face, and my elder aunt and uncle didnt like that. It was considered very disrespectful. This is where my mom and I got into the most fights, mainly about being disrespectful, and my school grades.

During this time, my mom had a few heart problems, and a few times she was very close to dying. One of her heart values [or whatever its called] was not working properly, and so she got medication. The nurse for some reason, prescribed her medication way too strong for her, and twice, she almost died. I cant remember what age I was, but I think I must have been 15 or 16.

After that, my dad really wanted me to move in with him after he had seen where I was living, and I agreed... if my mom was allowed to move in too. We moved up to rancho benardo from Oceanside. It was where I went to elementry school at, and partly middle school. I wasnt very pleased with living there, but my boyfriend would drive 30 minutes every weekend, and even on the week days to come see me, so I was alright. But while living there, we found out my mom had a cyst. She had let it get so big, and than finally she went to get it looked at, and get it removed. I can remember I was taking a nap in my boyfriends house, and I got the call, that underneath the cyst, was cancer. Since she had let it go for so long, she had to get surgery, and get her breast removed.

My mom had always just sat in the room and done nothing but read before, but now it happened alot more now that she couldnt really work with having to go through chemotherapy and work properly at work. I thought if I treated my mom like she didnt have cancer, she would think less and less of it, and think positive... That didnt really work. My mom dint go swimming often, since she had gotten overweight, and she had one breast. She no longer picked up the camera, no longer video taped, and she wasnt very lively. After a while of having cancer, she got a slipped disk. She couldnt get surgery on it while having her chemotherapy, so this whole time she was suffering through all this pain in her back, sometimes couldnt get out of bed. She was always in so much pain.

There was times where we got into huge arguments, where we would say very negative things, sometimes even push and shove. Thats when I found out I had a sister and brother. They were from a different father that my dad didnt really know about. This was back when she lived in the Philippines though. My sister had been living in the US but only decided to make an appearance when she found out my mom had cancer. We than ended up moving go an apartment across the street from my school, and than my mom, I and my boyfriend moved into a new apartment, and I graduated high school. My mom's cancer had gone away, which we were really excited about. My mom was growing her hair back, and she was becoming more alive. She was taking chemotherapy which allowed her hair to grow, and didnt drain her so much. We were getting close together again. After a while, we couldnt afford to live there on our own. She moved back in with my aunt, and I lived with my boyfriend. I couldnt stand his parents, and my mom was doing better, so I went to move in with my dad for a while and by the time I came back, my mom had gotten cancer again, and it was alot worse. I ended up moving into my aunt's... but this time they were renting the house out to us [illegally.. the house was not paid for... or something like that] They were staying at their son's house.

This time, we were not allowed to use hot water, because one, it took up money, and two, it was somewhat broken. But if I knew they wouldnt be visiting the house for a few days, I would go and turn the hot water. [and some how, they would always find out] But my mom got really sick from not being able to use the heater itself, and the hot water. I would usually go and take a shower at my boyfriend's house. Alot of the times, my boyfriend would take my mom to her chemotherapy, or drive her around places.

I was getting so stressed from having to take care of my mom so much at the age 18. I had to take care of myself, and her. She had to take so much medication by this time. I can remember waking up at 3 in the morning to bring my mom her medication. At this time, I dont know why, but I was always sleeping in the living room. I came home one day from work I suppose, and Derrick told me that he had taken my mom to the doctors, which lead to her being taken to the emergency, which than lead her to be taken to the Hospic.... A place for expected dying people.

My dad came down, and almost my mom's whole family came to see her, except her son, and her parents, which were in the Philippines... and my grandmother on my dad's side didnt come down [from what I can remember] which was kinda disappointing. After a while, I had broken up with my boyfriend, and moved in with an old friend because my aunt and uncle wouldnt let me live at the house for free, and it was my mom's and dad's retirement that we were living off of, so they kicked me out while my mom was in the hospice. Me and my friend started dating soon after.

My mom was doing bad,... She didnt know who I was at time, or couldnt really speak, couldnt sit up. She was doing so bad, that we had to have a meeting to get me ready for her possible death. They said that she was doing so bad, that they couldnt continue the chemotherapy because that would just maker her more weak, that she could possibly just die from the chemotherapy. It was all happening so quick, and I had asked for my grandparent's church to pray for her, and for my friends to pray for her, and for their church to pray for her... and than one morning, I came in, and she was perfectly fine. She was talking she was doing so great. She was doing so well, that the doctors said that she could actually go home. My mom and dad set off their differences, and agreed to get re-married as soon as my mom was all better.... Unfortunately, just a few days later she was just as bad as before... This whole thing was very hard, trying to spend most of my time in that room, and trying to work at the same time. By this time, I did have my own car, but I did not have a license. After a while my mom couldnt afford to stay at that hospice, and she was moved to a different one... It was a very busy place, she had a small room, and it was a very smelly place, but good thing was, some of the nurses were Filipino, so she had people to talk to when I was not there. But she got worse and worse, and one day, the doctor there called me in. That day I spent the whole day there... 12, till about 11pm That day, my mom couldnt really speak, couldnt stand, and couldnt really keep her eyes open.I remember by the time it was time for me to go, she was begging me, and begging me, pulling on my clothes, really not wanting me to go. She asked for me not to go, pleading and really wanting me to stay, like in her mind it clicked that something was going to happen, because she made no sense all day long.

The next day I came in with my boyfriend, and stayed with her. Her body was trying to breath, but she wouldnt wake. It was like when someone is crying really hard, your chest moves really fast, and calms down, and moves fast, and calms down.... I called Derrick, my ex [that I had been with for over 2 years] and it took him a while to get here, so my bf and I sat outside, and waited, and when he came, we walked into the room, and they said my mom passed away 20 seconds before I had entered the room. I was sad on many levels... and when the thought came in that I didnt get to hold my mom's hand before her last breath had me crying pretty hard.

My mom's friend and I organized the funeral, but of course I had to make all of the depositions. Most of my family was upset that I didnt have an open casket funeral, and that it was disrespectful to the Filipino culture, but I knew at how much my mom took care of hserself, and how much she cared about her appearances, and the fact that she wanted to be cremated andyways....

Before my mom died, a few months back, my mom would always ask me to take her to the beach... and I never did, and I hate myself for that. When I think of it now, she would have been so happy to sit at the beach and just listen to the kids laugh, and to the ocean... she would run into the water, and because she was dying, she didnt care who was staring at her, but I did... and I'm ashamed of the way that she would be all wild and such.... But I should have taken every time she asked... A wish before she died...

And while she was at the better hospic, my sister brought in her new son... so atleast my mom got to see a grandchild, even if it was of a child that she wasnt close to.

After my mom passed away, I found out that my bf was cheating on me with about 7 other girls, so I ended up moving to my grandparent's house... During that time, I was having so much fun, and I had great friends, I had no worries, and I was also volunteering at a nursing center where my grandma worked at. The only problems I had was my grandpa didnt really like me staying there. Turlock [the town I lived in] was where I had been the happiest for a long long time, and they booted me out to go live with my dad in Colorado... In Turlock, I had been dating a boy, who I was sooo badly inlove with. I had never met anyone like him. I still think about him to this day,... which is over a year ago. We were friends, and sometimes I get jealous when I think about him and his new gf who is pregnant. I was the one who broke up with him under something confusing.

Now I live in Denver, CO with my dad. I had been with another boy, I had moved back to California for a short time... a boy seemed like he was so inlove with me, but behind my back, he was dating his ex... with me living in his house. His mom kicked me out of the house because she thought I was ignoring her about my cat scratching the carpet.... well it was her fault for locking my cat up in the room 24/7
But once I got back to colorado, a few weeks after, he just stopped talking to me out of nowhere, just 'what restaurant are you at?' and that was it...

Now dating a new boy, who I like alot.... Ever since I found out my mom got cancer, I have had such a bad attitude, been depressed alot, and it causes lots of problems. Right now everything is perfectly fine, except the fact that I think about my mom all the time, and I miss the past, with her, and with my friends... My boyfriend puts up with all my anger that is always built up, and all the depression. Sad thing is, he is on parole... He used to do, and sell drugs, and got set up and sold to a cop one day. He did a year in jail, but he is doing much better now.... He has not done any drugs since than... He got out of jail about 5 months ago, and we found each other online... well I found him like two days after he got out of jail. He is super nice, and always wants to see me, and spends most of his time talking to me, texting me, or spending his days with me.

Like I said, I model, but nothing too big. Sometimes I spend too much time trying to edit my face on photoshop, and I can take so many pictures, and only even 'like' a few of them. I dont like anything about my face, except my eyes, and dont like my body.... My mom always wanted to be a model, and always wanted me to be a model... and when there are pictures that I really like, I wish I could show my mom. I used to model runway when I was little, and she was always happy about that... I think if she saw atleast some of my pictures, she'd be proud about those.

Well, thats my life story.
Thanks,
Krystalle Wetzlich