Happy Birthday To Me

I was gonna write what I wanted for my birthday, which I still might do,... but Im gonna write a non realistic thing I want for my bday....

Jared and I were talking about if we moved in with each other, who would cook dinner...
And that reminded me of back in the past.. and well, partly now...
I always worried about my grandparents or dad about dinner time, or spending time with them...
But when I move, I wont have to worry about that. I mean, there will be plenty of days I'll go just to hang out with my dad and such, but back then, I was having so much fun, I never ate dinner.... I ate it 3 in the morning when I came home.

Sometimes I wonder where I went.... why was I so happy then, but not now? I'll just get irritated at Jared with the smallest thing, but maybe im not irritated at him. Maybe I just have so much sadness stuck inside of me that it needs to 'find a reason' to get out...

I feel like I could write about this topic over and over, and I STILL wont get it...
I feel less stressed when I type about things...
But sometimes I could type and type and type... and I'll still be sad.

Sure I had all my friends to make me feel loved, and happy, and get my mind off of things... Sure they were the greatest people I've ever met.... But is that the real reason why I was happy? Maybe, just maybe....

Maybe I miss them,... or maybe I miss myself. I feel loved now, so why dont I feel happy now? Maybe its the fact that I felt like I had a family... that I dont have now. Its not that I lost them,... its that I moved, and I've lost contact with them. My brother is still my best friend, but he is hardly online... and he moved to Mexico, so I can no longer see him in Turlock.

What I want for my birthday is to be back with the crew,... to have them all close to me... [with a job this time tho]

For my birthday, I wish to be happy all the time... I was so happy back then,... I had no huge dreams, because I was living the dream.

I didnt care for modeling, I didnt care about my looks.... I hardly cared about my weight even though I did exercise alot,... The only thing that was bringing me down was my grandpa, and bills, but I didnt seem to have a huge problem paying those off. I never had to pay for anything to have fun.... And when I felt like the crew was getting tired of me, and I'd skip a day of hanging out.... I got called over for breakfast, or to meet someone's family...

It's been a year since I've moved to Colorado.... and they are all still on my mind everyday...

Or,... am I on my mind? Am I really thinking about me, instead of them? Am I thinking about how happy I was?




Dinner..... who had time to think about dinner back than?