I Was Wrong.... I admit it now.

Sometimes people have a hard time admitting that they are wrong...
And I've done a lot of thinking lastnight...
And all the things gone wrong in my life [except my mom passing] was probably because of me.

With that said, it makes things even worse...
Sometimes its easier to blame someone else, or no one at all...
But when something bad happens, and you know its your fault, it just feels 10times worse.
So lets get things straight first:
I am still in love...
I know that things will never work out again...
But I can still wish right?
I am letting go, but I'll never stop loving him, or missing him.
But I can not change his mind, even if I had that power, I still wouldnt.
He has to change his mind on his own... I understand that.
So as I may seem like some emo little kid, still trying to hold on,
its more like I am sad to see him leave my life.
We may be friends in the future, and I can only hope,...
but if it doesnt happen, than it doesnt happen.
No one probably understands me except him, and he may not even understand me to the full extent.

Ok, so with that said, I feel like explaining myself...
How many people do you know that'll actually admit that they are wrong?
How many people do you know who'll fix it?
And how many people 'admit that they are wrong AND say they are sorry'?

Well...
for one...
I know that I always want things my way...
I may not realize it when Im saying it, but yes, I am, in fact, a selfish person =/
When I dont want to do something, I dont want to do it...
I always want to do the things I want to do before trying what someone else wants to do.
I am, IN FACT going to change that... Well I'll try the best I possibly can.
I do put people first before me, and when I do it often, sometimes I wish to be put first when I 'need' them...
When I 'need' someone, and I dont get any support, my mind breaks down really fast.
I have got to learn that not everyone is going to be there for you when you need them..
Its life. And I need to get used to it... even if the person loves me...

I tend to make people feel guilty... WITHOUT KNOWING! I seem to do it all the time, without realizing it one bit.... Sometimes I intend to do that... And I need to stop doing that...
Why I make people feel guilty, I dont know... sometimes I do it in a way of showing them that I'd care for them more, or I love them more, or I'd do more for them than they would do for me. I guess I want to be able to feel like I would have someone to care for me just as much as I care for them. But still, its no excuse to make people feel guilty.

I get angry easily... Yes, I know that. I get angry at little things, and I get angrier faster... However, I dont go punching walls, or hitting things, or throwing things... I still get angry when I shouldnt, or I shouldnt take it out on people... That needs to change, defiantly for myself, and others. I'll just keep scaring people away, or pushing people away if I dont change that part of me. I wish people could accept me for how I am, as I accept people for how they are... But face it... no one will love some cranky old lady!! So Im sorry for every time I've argued about something stupid, pathetic, or something small. Im sorry for getting annoyed very easily, sorry for all those silent moments. I dont understand why I get angry... I really dont. Half the time of me sitting there in silence... Im actually talking to myself in my mind, telling myself that im being stupid, and retarded, and I dont even have a real reason to be angry... And than there comes the wave of 'he'll say sorry' than theres the 'but its your fault, not his' and it just plays back and forth.. and than when he does say sorry, or when something is solved... there is the wave of 'omg, your so stupid, look how embarrassing you are for getting mad at something that small' so I still sit there in silence, because I embarrassed myself. This thing really needs to go away... its just childish... But I need to learn how to control my anger... Just wish I had money for counseling.

Lies... I lie a lot... but its actually starting to fade. sometimes I'll lie about little things, sometimes I'll lie about big things... sometimes I'll lie just to make people worry, just because I want to know that Im cared for... but like I said, its starting to fade away... The only REALLY bad thing about this, is that it shows how selfish I am... and some of it could get me in trouble with the law, or family. But the good thing about this is... I know when everyone else is lying =]

Feeling Sorry...... for me. Yea, again, guilt tripping, being selfish... but yea, I tend to do things to make people feel sorry for me. In a way I know im doing it, but also in a way, when people who have greater lives, and complain, its a way of showing them that their life isnt so bad, and that they need to be greatful for what they have.
Im not saying I have a horrible life, but in a way, I feel like I could deserve better.... especially by the way I 'try' to start a new happy life all the time.


Im a bum. Yes, ok, I get it! Yes, I have tried to get a job... atleast I've had job interviews... I live off my dad... but I never ask him for money unless im desperate. I dont ask for anything... Im trying to run a business, and its not going so well, but I think it'd be a lot easier if I had an online store. I know its gonna take some time.


complaining.... I complain about everything, and anything. That also needs to stop... I complain about my life, because it could do some improvement,... I complain about people, because I feel like I didnt deserve to be treated the way I was... I complain about... well, other stuff, because I either dont want to be there, I wish it worked differently, this and that, that and this...
One, I complain because as soon as I write about it, or talk about it, it seems to not be so stuck in my head... Its my own way of venting, and dealing with my stress...
Im thankful that someone understands that writing things out is how I deal with stress... but when its just meaningless complaining, it needs to stop. One, no one would think good of me if I just complain all the time... and yes, eventually I'd love to have friends, but I am keeping myself from having any...
and its just a waste of time. no one cares about what others have to complain about. and yea,... its just unhealthy for me to complain all the time. I need to fricken smile every once in a while, and just take life as it is... if its good or bad.


However,... when other people brag about how people love them so much, or about this and that, and are full of themselves.. I am sorry to say, but I dont think I'll ever stop saying something that'll bring them down just a little... cause when models go 'omg, all the photographers loved me! did you hear everything they were saying? I was their favorite' I am sorry... but I will say something like 'yea, thats exactly what they say to every model they shoot with' idk... I just hate people who are THAT full of themselves...


With all of that said... Im sorry. Im sorry to everyone who i've put stress on, who i've made mad... who I never said sorry to... I am going to try and change... I really am. Im going to try and become a better person, for myself, and everyone else...
I am still going to try and be me, but a better me. I do wish for people to accept me for who I am, but no one likes angry cranky people. so im sorry. And Im sorry to Jared too... I think I have guilt tripped him, or tried to forcfully see some sort of affection and im sorry for hurting you, or upsetting you.

No one is perfect... and everyone should be accepted for who they are...
As I believe in that, I also believe that people who are willing to change for themselves, and for others should be given a chance at life all over again.

So I admit it... I was wrong... and Im sorry.

I'd Go Back In Time and Change It, But I Cant...

If I could get one chance to go back in time, I would take that chance now.
I may have said it before, but I've really been thinking about it....
But the thing is, I dont have that chance to go back in time...
Those are just silly little dreams that only come true in romance movies.

But if God gave me one chance... just one... I would change a lot of things,...
But things that would only lead me back to the summer time of 2010.
Of course, going back to the past would not be just a play-back...
In order to change things, you have to know you are in the past...
You have to have some sort of idea of whats going to happen in the future...
Otherwise, without some sort of knowledge of the future, than it'd just feel like deja vu, and that doesnt always change a person.

I just wish I could do something, or have a sign, or something so I could go back to the past!! I dont just want a better future, but I want a better past. I want to be proud of myself. I want to be able to say that Im happy to be who I am today...
And I want to do the right things for other people too...


If I was given the chance... I'd ask my mom if she wanted to go back in time too...
So that I could take her to the beach, take her to the zoo, go and do karaoke together, and do everything she wanted before she passed away...
But, that would also mean she'd have to re-live the pain all over again. I dont want to put her through that, but if she wanted to go back, and was given the chance to do what she wanted before she died, well, I'd hope she could have that chance.

But if I could go back in time, I wouldnt have done the things I did, and I probably wouldnt have gone out with Donnie...
I would have gone straight to Turlock considering those were some of the best days I ever had...
I wouldnt have done the things I did with certain people...
I would learn how to say no a lot better.
I wouldnt have argued with my grandpa...
I would have came home for dinner more, and acted more like a family.
I would learn how to be more fun, and outgoing.
And when I came to Colorado, I would have done the same thing...
I would have moved back to California, and not been so attached....
I would leave on good terms...
And I would have gotten all my stuff, and just left them at my grandparent's house.
I would have let Andrew and Chip live with me...
But I wouldnt have let them borrow any money.
I would relive those days, through all the pain and anger...
just to be with jared again.
I would do everything I could to make Jared happy...
And I wouldnt have fought about stupid little things...
I would have made friends with Krystal...
I would learn to trust more.
I would still be friends with Beetle, and Ro...
I wouldnt let people get to me so easily...
I would learn to make more friends, than enemies...
I wouldnt be so 'me me me' all the time.
I wouldnt talk about the future, even when he did.
I would be more of a party person...
I would try not to be so boring.
I would want to re-live the summer days over and over...
I would make him happy...
I hope I made him happy.
I'd go back to the days whenever I did something wrong...
and I would just not have done it.
I would go back in time for myself, for my mom, for Derrick, for Donnie, for all the girl's hearts I broke, for every friend I didnt give a chance, for my dad, for Damien, for my grandparents, and for Jared.... and for a chance for a better, or another 'Jared and I'

Morning Texts

Its easier for me to sleep... knowing that I dont have to pray so hard for another chance,... or for you to love me still...
Its over, and I can sleep... but than again, I cant sleep.
I have dreams...
and I wake up with so much pain in my chest.
I'll have dreams that whenever my car tries to start, but just dies... my heart dies too...
I was thinking that it might mean that I may never love again like I loved you...
And that my heart is just useless without you.

I have other dreams of my heart just being ripped out, shutting down, bleeding, dying, turning to ashes...
And I've had a dream of you just punching me in the chest where my heart is =[ That one I have no clue what its about... But let me tell you, its pretty scary waking up thinking your dead or in the hospital....

But whats worse... is I wake up feeling your arms around me, but when I look around for you...
I realize its nothing but a dream.
Your not there...


I guess its because you had sounded so excited to spend the weekend with me...
I wasnt ready for this break-up... My body still feels that you were going to come over and be beside me.

Sometimes I'll wake up thinking im in your room, taking one of those naps with you.

I guess, without realizing it, I am still praying to be with you...
I may not be saying it to myself in my head, but my heart is.


But I know you want to feel alive, and that you still have much of a life to live...
And I know you dont want to feel trapped.
I didnt know I was keeping you from living...
I didnt realize I was that boring.

"I know Im not beautiful,
and I dont have a great personality...
Im not wild and crazy, and I dont drink.
I cant sing, or cook.
My eyes are just the same as any other girl's...
But the thing that makes me a great girl,
is that I love you with all my heart,
and I would give you my whole world.
Its that I know your my everything,
and I will do everything in my power to make you happy.
Its that Im grateful to have you in my life,
and Im grateful for each day I have with you.

Love,
Krystalle"


This is what I had put under a picture of me and you...
Yes, its true... all of it.
I want to be with you....
But I want to show you a different side of me.
I may not be as crazy as anyone else you know....
But I can show you that I am not as boring as you think I am.
I know I have already told you this before, I know. Sorry.
And as much as I wish I could be with you, I keep thinking that this could be our chance to get to know each other in a different way.

idk how yet...
maybe you could have your friends, and I could have my friends, and we could all chill one day? I just need to make those friends.
I just wouldnt bring Chip, if you wont bring 'her'
I wont bring a guy who is going to flirt with me, as long as you dont bring girls that are going to flirt with you...
What do you say?

You keep saying we might have a chance in the future...
I'd like that to happen, but I am not going to keep my hopes up.
That doesnt mean Im going to go look for a guy, or look for dates or anything...
You have told me all of these stories about your ex, and how you had your remounds...
It kinda scares me... a lot....
To know your sleeping with other girls, finding people better than me...
Its all part of the break up though.
I just hope you remember all the love I gave you. I hope you never forget about that.
But I want you to live, and be alive, and not be trapped...
So dont think about me! ok?

I want you to be happy, but I just dont want you to forget about me.

Someone told me that if another guy comes around, that I shouldnt throw away a good thing just for you...
And I told her, that you ARE a good reason to throw away some random guy. Ya, im not keeping my hopes up, but I want to show you how I can be in a different way... I want to give you that chance, not for me, and not to date you,.. but because I think you've had the wrong idea of me, and you deserve to see that part of me without some guy hanging around my shoulders all the time.

And.... Im not looking as you know, and I just dont feel like being in a relationship with anyone else right now... and thats not going to change for a long long time.


I have kinda gone off topic here, Im sorry. Writing is just the easiest way for me to deal with things.

I woke up many times today, but the last time I woke up, I was holding my phone to my chest....
I guess I had been waiting for a text from you like every morning.
Im sad because I know your probably texting 'morning' to other people...
everyone else... but me...
I know you said I could text you and tell you stuff,...
but in a way I feel like I cant. I feel like you need time away from talking to me, as much as I would hate that.
This change for me is going to take a long time, so please dont feel like I am trying to stay attached to you. Please dont think that Im still trying to be a big part of your life, even though you said you want me to be a part of your life still.
I just love you with all my heart still, and you still mean the world to me.
Its not going to change over night, or in a week...


I wish you would have realized before we were dating exactly what you had wanted...
that you didnt really actually want a girlfriend like me.
You read all my stuff, and knew everything I had gone through, and saw that I was a clingy person... in fact, you even liked that about me...
I wish you never told me you wanted to marry me if you didnt know if you did or not.
I wish you never wanted to go look for apartments, when I was the one who didnt want to..
I wish you wouldnt have been getting so upset because I was taking my time to say 'i love you'
Havnt you noticed that?
That I was taking my time so you would get to know me before you got too close?
This is exactly what I was trying to avoid...
I was trying to let you understand who I am, let you realize what it is that you want, before we got too close, before you got my hopes up, before you just threw everything away because you didnt know what you wanted, when I gave you all that time to think.
But it could take years to realize that something isnt right for you, which is ok. Im not mad...



Dont let anything I type bother you Jared... just letting everything out...
its easier for me to move on if I write.
I love you... always.
love,
Mouse

New Winter, New Broken Heart

Every broken heart is inspired to write...
And I definitely have one broken heart.
Im still in love, and am not ready to let go even though I know I have to...
So I hope he doesnt mind too much... for me, it was very sudden for me... too sudden.
This boy...
He may always have my heart the way he had it when we first met...
He may be in my dreams when im wide awake...
And he may be my tears of the dreams I wish came true.

He told me that love dies and fades...
But as I say,
"Love never dies or fades... You either love, or you never did."
He seems to protest against it....
But I think he just meant that his love is not strong... It hasnt faded away, its just not strong.

And as the both of us say that we wish we could go back in time and change things...
I think I wish for it more.
I felt so perfect with him...
And I feel the blame for everything.
I feel like if I just held my tongue, things would be alright...
But than again, I also deserve to be with someone who can understand me and my problems...
But than again... its not right to just argue over stupid little things.
Maybe Im like bipolar or something? heh...
But bipolar people deserve love too.
But there isnt a day that goes by that I dont regret all those fights I've caused.
I just wish I could go back in time... Go back and change things... Kept going the way we were in the summer time.
He said that if we kept going like that, we would have made it...

What happened to us? Why did we let this happen?
sure, I've been engaged... sure I've wanted to merry someone...
But there hasnt been a person that I wanted to merry, and die together with.
There has never been a man where I was willing to be the one to ask the question...
But its over now...
And all I could ask for now from him, is to just be friends...
I wish things were different, but this is what he wants.

Though you dont still really love me, I will always love you...
Though we are not together, I will still want to take care of you...
I want to make sure your not going back to your past...
I want to make sure you dont do anything stupid, just because 'it wont show in your test'
You were so happy that your life had changed... I dont want you to regret anything.
You know you dont want to go down that path, so dont even think about it.

So please, dont mind me and my broken heart.
Dont feel guilty, or mad.
Dont feel like you are responsible...
A broken heart just needs a way to let out her pain.




New Winter, New Broken Heart

Every winter here has been the same... Long, and alone.
Its my worst season... And honestly, the worst time to break up with someone.
I was at a friend's house lastnight, as she was TRYING to break up with her boyfriend...
But he just wouldnt take it. He would not let her go... pretty much begging her to stay with him, without sounding too desperate though.
It was sad... because she could just say all these things,.. and he still wanted to be with her,...
As she was doing that, I was on her bed crying over a letter from my ex... He had broken up with me a few hours earlier.
But before my friend's boyfriend called, we were planning on a new life....
After I get my heart broken,... I do what I do best... Run away.
No rebound, no messing with other guys... No.
I run away... To another state.
My dad said he would apply for a job in England, and we could move there.
The only reason why I didnt want to, was because I had something here for me.

But who said we'd move right now? If nothing works out for me, I do hope to move soon...
But untill than I need to plan a new life.
Going out and meeting new friends...
finding groups of close friends... more guys than girls always seems more fun.
But dont get me wrong, its not like that...
I am not going to go looking for a guy, or a hook-up, a one night stand...
And probably every guy that even asks me out, i'd probably straight up say no.
Already guys have been calling me cutie, or trying to flirt with me...
and its already pissing me off.
I know im single, but my heart is still taken.
My friend said we should get jobs together, and outfits that match...
She said she'd help me with the club events...
I forgot to mention that she wouldnt get paid though.
And since winter is here... would we really be going out that much?
So would we really have anything to go do with any new friends?
I got excited because I am actually going to go out and live a life again..
I just wish he was here so I could share that life with him.

Its still going to be hard for me... I was going to have all these clothes for modeling events for models to try on,... as I model as well... Its going to be hard for that to happen now... now that im alone.

I hate the feeling of being alone....
All my doors are locked now...
No reason to go out that door.
I may sit in that chair just to remember...
But with winter here,.. I'd just be a lonely girl, watching her breath.
Maybe I should just take the chair out and put it away.
I might as well put away the hot chocolate...
I might as well close the blinds...
Winter just isnt any fun alone.
The snow will be untouched just like me.
And it shall stay quiet, not even a sound...
Untill I play old videos, and play old songs...


I'll move on one day, but no time soon,
because this winter, my doors are locked, with no reason to go out.

Doing Better?

3:36 am
I wrote.
And am too scared to publish it.
So I deleted it.
It was about me...
Oh well.
He doesnt read these things anymore anyways.
I wish for his happiness
Love,
Me

Fully?

The past couple of days has been nothing but shit....
Nothing good has come out of this past weekend.
I've been upset about so many things
shit happened
and I do shit, or shit happens to me, and they think about it for two seconds, and dont even consider the fact that I would that far for them.

I dont really understand why I am really upset...
Maybe because I am stressing out...
and I wanted to see you?
Maybe because I REALLY wanted that job, or wanted the goggles to come in, Im tired of being poor, my face just keeps looking uglier and uglier, I am tired of being in colorado, Im tired of being alone,.. Im just tired with life period.

I am just tired of being a nobody... Im tired of thinking about the past because Im going nowhere with my future. Im tired of missing friends that no longer exist in my life.

I sit here day after day, and think 'im fricken ugly, I need to stop playing games with this modeling thing' and than I look at someone's pictures and wish I could do something like that.

And than I lay in bed thinking about you all the time...
and than I think 'does he even think about me anymore?'
I cant even make you smile when your thinking about stupid shit all night long, and all day the next day.




Again, Im just stressed out. dont know what Im supposed to do with life...
I dont know what I want in life...
I just know im not as happy as I should be.
Im just a damaged girl.
And I've come to realize that I cant be fixed at all.

idk what to do with myself, and Im alone on this