I Was Wrong.... I admit it now.

Sometimes people have a hard time admitting that they are wrong...
And I've done a lot of thinking lastnight...
And all the things gone wrong in my life [except my mom passing] was probably because of me.

With that said, it makes things even worse...
Sometimes its easier to blame someone else, or no one at all...
But when something bad happens, and you know its your fault, it just feels 10times worse.
So lets get things straight first:
I am still in love...
I know that things will never work out again...
But I can still wish right?
I am letting go, but I'll never stop loving him, or missing him.
But I can not change his mind, even if I had that power, I still wouldnt.
He has to change his mind on his own... I understand that.
So as I may seem like some emo little kid, still trying to hold on,
its more like I am sad to see him leave my life.
We may be friends in the future, and I can only hope,...
but if it doesnt happen, than it doesnt happen.
No one probably understands me except him, and he may not even understand me to the full extent.

Ok, so with that said, I feel like explaining myself...
How many people do you know that'll actually admit that they are wrong?
How many people do you know who'll fix it?
And how many people 'admit that they are wrong AND say they are sorry'?

Well...
for one...
I know that I always want things my way...
I may not realize it when Im saying it, but yes, I am, in fact, a selfish person =/
When I dont want to do something, I dont want to do it...
I always want to do the things I want to do before trying what someone else wants to do.
I am, IN FACT going to change that... Well I'll try the best I possibly can.
I do put people first before me, and when I do it often, sometimes I wish to be put first when I 'need' them...
When I 'need' someone, and I dont get any support, my mind breaks down really fast.
I have got to learn that not everyone is going to be there for you when you need them..
Its life. And I need to get used to it... even if the person loves me...

I tend to make people feel guilty... WITHOUT KNOWING! I seem to do it all the time, without realizing it one bit.... Sometimes I intend to do that... And I need to stop doing that...
Why I make people feel guilty, I dont know... sometimes I do it in a way of showing them that I'd care for them more, or I love them more, or I'd do more for them than they would do for me. I guess I want to be able to feel like I would have someone to care for me just as much as I care for them. But still, its no excuse to make people feel guilty.

I get angry easily... Yes, I know that. I get angry at little things, and I get angrier faster... However, I dont go punching walls, or hitting things, or throwing things... I still get angry when I shouldnt, or I shouldnt take it out on people... That needs to change, defiantly for myself, and others. I'll just keep scaring people away, or pushing people away if I dont change that part of me. I wish people could accept me for how I am, as I accept people for how they are... But face it... no one will love some cranky old lady!! So Im sorry for every time I've argued about something stupid, pathetic, or something small. Im sorry for getting annoyed very easily, sorry for all those silent moments. I dont understand why I get angry... I really dont. Half the time of me sitting there in silence... Im actually talking to myself in my mind, telling myself that im being stupid, and retarded, and I dont even have a real reason to be angry... And than there comes the wave of 'he'll say sorry' than theres the 'but its your fault, not his' and it just plays back and forth.. and than when he does say sorry, or when something is solved... there is the wave of 'omg, your so stupid, look how embarrassing you are for getting mad at something that small' so I still sit there in silence, because I embarrassed myself. This thing really needs to go away... its just childish... But I need to learn how to control my anger... Just wish I had money for counseling.

Lies... I lie a lot... but its actually starting to fade. sometimes I'll lie about little things, sometimes I'll lie about big things... sometimes I'll lie just to make people worry, just because I want to know that Im cared for... but like I said, its starting to fade away... The only REALLY bad thing about this, is that it shows how selfish I am... and some of it could get me in trouble with the law, or family. But the good thing about this is... I know when everyone else is lying =]

Feeling Sorry...... for me. Yea, again, guilt tripping, being selfish... but yea, I tend to do things to make people feel sorry for me. In a way I know im doing it, but also in a way, when people who have greater lives, and complain, its a way of showing them that their life isnt so bad, and that they need to be greatful for what they have.
Im not saying I have a horrible life, but in a way, I feel like I could deserve better.... especially by the way I 'try' to start a new happy life all the time.


Im a bum. Yes, ok, I get it! Yes, I have tried to get a job... atleast I've had job interviews... I live off my dad... but I never ask him for money unless im desperate. I dont ask for anything... Im trying to run a business, and its not going so well, but I think it'd be a lot easier if I had an online store. I know its gonna take some time.


complaining.... I complain about everything, and anything. That also needs to stop... I complain about my life, because it could do some improvement,... I complain about people, because I feel like I didnt deserve to be treated the way I was... I complain about... well, other stuff, because I either dont want to be there, I wish it worked differently, this and that, that and this...
One, I complain because as soon as I write about it, or talk about it, it seems to not be so stuck in my head... Its my own way of venting, and dealing with my stress...
Im thankful that someone understands that writing things out is how I deal with stress... but when its just meaningless complaining, it needs to stop. One, no one would think good of me if I just complain all the time... and yes, eventually I'd love to have friends, but I am keeping myself from having any...
and its just a waste of time. no one cares about what others have to complain about. and yea,... its just unhealthy for me to complain all the time. I need to fricken smile every once in a while, and just take life as it is... if its good or bad.


However,... when other people brag about how people love them so much, or about this and that, and are full of themselves.. I am sorry to say, but I dont think I'll ever stop saying something that'll bring them down just a little... cause when models go 'omg, all the photographers loved me! did you hear everything they were saying? I was their favorite' I am sorry... but I will say something like 'yea, thats exactly what they say to every model they shoot with' idk... I just hate people who are THAT full of themselves...


With all of that said... Im sorry. Im sorry to everyone who i've put stress on, who i've made mad... who I never said sorry to... I am going to try and change... I really am. Im going to try and become a better person, for myself, and everyone else...
I am still going to try and be me, but a better me. I do wish for people to accept me for who I am, but no one likes angry cranky people. so im sorry. And Im sorry to Jared too... I think I have guilt tripped him, or tried to forcfully see some sort of affection and im sorry for hurting you, or upsetting you.

No one is perfect... and everyone should be accepted for who they are...
As I believe in that, I also believe that people who are willing to change for themselves, and for others should be given a chance at life all over again.

So I admit it... I was wrong... and Im sorry.