Todays a Bad Day

Lastnight I was thinking...
And Thinking...
And crying...
And wondering...
I was going to talk about all this shit thats been going through my head...
But than I thought that it wouldnt get me anywhere...
What would that help me by complaining?
It wouldnt change anything...
I cant change anything...

I dont want to shut down, and just say everythings alright...
But, I dont want to be hurt...
Im waiting to take anger classes...
Till than, I dont know who to turn to...
I cant turn to him, I cant turn to myself

And thats when I start to go crazy...
Im alone, but the thing with people who are alone, dont have drama...
But the people who are with people... yet are alone, have things to go through...
I just want one person to be on my side...
I want to be able to know im not insane... that the things that I think, are actually reasonable.

I just want to say it so bad! But I've already said it which is the sad part....

Rage

You really wanna know how I really feel?
I really want to punch everyone in the face when they piss me off.
I wish I could take things away from the people I hate the most...
I want people to look at me and think 'dont fuck with her'
I want to lay all my emotions down on the table without caring if it hurts someone.
I want to dress just how I want...
I want the coolest car.
I want to sit in a chair, and have people come to me, in a line,... because I have that kind of power.
I want to run people out of town.
I want everyone to know me.

But under all of this...
I want a mother here by my side.
I want a boyfriend, who I dont have to guess if he loves me...
I want the truth... and no side doors.
I want friends, like my old ones.
I want to be beautiful.
I want people to love me.
I want a classic car.
I want to wear a little dress, and be told Im beautiful.
I want to be happy, and smile.
I want people to respect my feelings.

And right now....
I want to be loved,
I want to be held,
I want to laugh,
I want to be told Im worth something,
I want to be on someone's mind all the time,
I want someone to sacrifice something for me,
I want to know whats going on in his head,
I want to be kissed,
I want to be safe,
I want to be the one and only,
I want to feel like everything is perfect.

Im afraid, and,...
I dont want to be used,
I dont want secrets,
I dont want to fall,
I dont want to be scared,
I dont want to be left behind,
I dont want to be 'the other woman'
I dont want this to be like all the others.

Hidden Truth

So a few days ago me and my bf got into this huge fight...
Huge enough that I put it into my very very personal private journal, that I only write in once a month, or every two months.
He had told me this huge plan of his to break up with me...
It lingers in my head still...
And he told me how he went to his friends for advice.
One, who hates me.
second, who I thought was a friend, but yet, I knew he really wasnt a 'friend friend' so his words didnt shock me.
Of course, #1 would tell him to break up with me... of course... she did.
#2 said 'she has control now, wait till YOU have control'

to me... since I have the mind that I have... it means 'wait till she starts to suffer/wait till she breaks/wait till she begs'

Why would your 'better half' make you suffer? Make you break? Make you beg? On purpose??
Those thoughts still linger in my head as well...

He went out and had 'fun'... while I sat in my room alone...
The one and only person I would have gone to,...
Would have been my mother.... Too bad I cant hear her, or touch her anymore.
The only person I had to go to, was my mom who passed away...
I depend on my boyfriend for help and support...
So when he cant help me, I go to a knife... and I dont think of 'cutting' I think of 'ending it'
I think of ripping my hair out, stabbing myself... Since thats how my mom was, since she actually DID stab herself in the stomach, since she DID try to do a lot of things, she could be the only one to STOP me from doing it...
She did what she did... and there were times where she had enough force to not do it again...
That force must have been strong...
So only someone strong like that could stop actions like these...

You probably dont get what im saying...
But like Jared said...
You cant have a teacher teaching people how to... 'stay away from drugs' if he has never done drugs himself... if he has never been an addict.

my bf says 'tell me your thoughts from now on' but I just have so so so many....
and most of them are best left unsaid...
I told him my problem,... too much stress and depression.. too much fear and doubt, I will break, I will fall....
But dont feel like you have to stay with me or 'i'll kill myself if you leave me' because thats not how it works....
just act like an adult when it comes to situations like these....
No games... just straight up tell me... right than and there.

I feel guilty for telling you my depression problems... but I feel like I shouldnt hide it...
I just want to make sure you know your NOT chained to me...

So back to my thoughts....
These ones... not so important, but important...
Tell him or not?
They wouldnt make him happy, but they wouldnt make him 'mad' maybe sad...
But Im tired of hurting people...

But when I dont 'explain' things 100% all the way, they take it totally different...

for example, when I told him 'if you cant handle me, than we shouldnt be together'
How would you take that?
What I meant was 'if you cant handle me at my worst, you dont deserve me at my best...'
again, as in 'no matter how mad YOU are, I will still love you, and want to be there for you, and hold you in my arms... but if you dont want to love me, and be there for me when IM mad... than why should you love me only when im just in a good mood?'

somehow he thought I meant 'it has to be my way, or we're breaking up'
and thats what he told all his friend.... Now even more people hate me.
I bet he hasnt even told everyone that he misunderstood me. =/


I write on here about anyone and everyone... it was meant for me to read and to remember anyways, sorry.

Not My White World

I open my eyes, gasping for air...
I dont wish to kill myself...
Because I'd never see my mother in heaven...
But I have such a strong erg to just end my life.

I can feel the water hitting my face.
Its annoying, but I feel that the water can calm me down.
I feel too weak to stand, so Im curled up on the bath floor.

Everything is white...
The bath, the curtains, the soap, shampoo...
Even I; The color has drained from my skin.
Its like I just saw a ghost... Maybe I have.

Your story, your words...
Its like im watching a play, over and over.
It wont go away, but I wish it to...
I cant touch it,.. but I can feel it.
I close my eyes tightly, just to see it there still after re-opening them.

Its my ghost.
And this is her life:
Your words,... Your story...
You friends... their words...
Your plan,...
Your success.
Her death....

Its the thought right before I go to bed, and the first when I wake.

Im sitting here curled,... tears rolling down my face.
Im watching the water run down my skin, like a river flowing over rocks.
There are the rough parts, and the smooth parts...
All the way down the river, for miles and miles...
Till it joins the ocean, roaring, and crashing.
Shining and silent.
Where old stories have been told,...
Where oil has spilt...
Or the river dies..
tries up to nothing.

I sit there, thinking about you, you and your friends.
I sit here thinking... Im alone.
Why do you come before my friends?
When I would never come before yours?

That goes back to my old thoughts...
Just one little girl in the middle of a big city.
She is surrounded by people...
Yet, she is alone.

And more thoughts come and come...

Winter...
Im sitting there drinking my hot coco...
Alone
By the fire.
The fire which died a long time ago.
A fire that died before anyone could see it's brightness.

A girl, sitting by a dead fire.


Im scared
Scared of everything.
Scared to trust, scared to love, scared to touch, to feel, to need, to want.
Scared of life...
Scared that you know how I hurt, but you do it anyways.
Scared that you listen to everyone TELLING you to hurt me...
Scared because you did it.
Scared because you liked it.
Scared
Scared
Scared

This is not where I wish to be.
I wish to be with my mother.
Gone from any pain anyone could possibly cause.
Gone from the people who know the past
Gone from myself.

I sit in this white tub,...
Everythings so white.
But the pain is still here.

I hope I never have to feel this way...
I hope you will always be there for me next time.
I hope you will hold me as Im dying
Dying all around you.


I felt a pain in my chest.
Not like a heartbreak, though I had been crying for you...
And you chose not to answer...
But a pain that I was dying.
Faster and faster.
More and more.
I felt my heart stop beating...
At that time, I had to take deep breaths..
My back slid down the wall, and I sat there...
Trying to breath.




I feel my death all around me.
And you didnt want to save me.
Thats the path you had chosen.

Homeless

When you lay down in your bed, do you think about how lucky you are?
When you see people sleeping on the streets... do you ever wonder if that could be you?
If you lost your job, and your parents wont help you,...
You cant get a place to work at...
Time is ticking... ticking,... ticking...
Your trying to find friends and family to stay with...
But no one will answer.
Finally, you cant pay for your bills...

Are you ashamed? Where would you go? What would you do?

Are you still yourself?

I couldnt ask for more

I couldnt ask for more.....
Jared is all I could ever ask for.
Sure I dont clean my house like I used to before...
But thats ok...
Cause he's willing to clean my room while im gone xD
And I lovers him more and more and more every single second
Just thought I'd let everyone know ^-^

Is it beautiful?

Unicorns cant feel regret... meaning they never feel any sorrow

Oceanside

Ok... so I asked my 'friends' from Oceanside if they could help with a ride....
guess what?
They ALL just ignored my texts, and messages.... like, private messages.
=/
Sad thing... I bet my ex Donnie [not ronnie] would give me a ride, AND WE'RE NOT EVEN FRIENDS!!!
How sad is that?!?!
It just shows that certain people are always willing to help the people in need...

Mute

What do you do, when the girl who doesnt talk... sings?

I was thinking about how quiet I am... especially around my dad...
He seems to not get me,... acts like Im 4... thinks I care about the weather.

So I thought I'd just talk whats on my mind that Im not going to say outloud...
Its like I have my own little conversation in my mind.

"My salamanders are very active tonight.. Their tiny arms are moving more and more as they swim around."

"Its very late,... and my boyfriend is not yet off of work... Are you sure its legal to work someone 13 hours?? Sunrise to sundown..."

"I want lots of clothing... awesome clothing... something that annoying girl cant top."

"I wish your youtube on your computer would load faster"

"I played video games today! .......for about 10 minutes than fell asleep"

"I need to make my dreads right now... 1, 2, 3 go! Nope... not yet"

"The guy who owns 'VampireFreaks' seems really really camera shy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a_Bpmpym6LQ "

"Omg,... you stupid advertisement... shut the hell up"

"Sorry to say Jared, but the guy who makes the goggles here in Denver... had a really cute, interesting voice."

"But I'd rather hear your voice anyday while hugging me, and yea...."

"GET OFF OF WORK ALREADY! I fucking miss you"

"-sad face-"

"I love learning about cultures o.O"

"Ok,... ima go sit out in the livingroom so my dad doesnt think I hate him"

"You need to be off work by the way..."

Dont Leave Mommy!

So I woke up crying from a dream....
It went something like this:

There was this old couple in front of me...
The old man kissed the lady and said "I finally found the woman of my dreams... I've been carving the initials 'MMM' everywhere I went" he said...

An old women behind me, younger than them however, started laughing...
"How silly! What? Never been married before? Was that your first kiss? Aww how cute..."

I didnt like her attitude, so I thought I'd embarrass her infront of everyone.. and told her the story...

"Ma'am... Those two got engaged,.. and the boy had to go off to world war one...
The lady was told that he died, but something seemed fishy to her, so she searched, and did all this research, and they FINALLY found each other.... MMM stands for
'Mathildes marrying Manech'

And thats why the movie is called 'A Very Long Engagement"

And the lady looked shocked....
I than looked over, and saw my mom in the last isle at the grocery store...
[how people from ww1, and my mom were in this dream, idk... it was like a store for the dead, and the living, and the people inbetween]

My mom was wearing her brown shirt, and carring a little girl that looked just like me when I was about 4...
I know my mom loved it when I was little. she could dress me up and everything.
My mom looked like she did when her cancer had gone away for a few months... Her hair was growing back. Its not like when a guy shaves their head, and it grows back thick...
Her hair was very very soft, and just looked like baby hair, because when your hair falls out, it wasnt cut... these are new hairs growing in.

I ran from the line I was in, all the way up to my mom and gave her a huge hug...
And she smiled at me.
"There is a bird outside that actually sings to me"
And I thought to myself... 'a bird that sings words... wow'
but I dont know [now that I think of it in real life] if thats what she meant... or if she just meant that birds dont sing... but there is one bird that does, and it sings for her.

She than said "Im almost at the top.... "
And I told her 'no,... you can stay here'
But she shook her head... "I dont want to stay here... I'll get wrinkles."
I looked at my mom, dead in her eyes and squished her face, making her wrinkles show up.

[Yes, she was getting old, and her skin was so soft... I can remember... It was like the life was being sucked out of her body when she had cancer.]

I told her that she didnt have wrinkles, and she was as beautiful as always...


But she than told me "Im going to the top now.....Its time for me to go....."



And I woke up crying.

Hello You. Are you back?

So, I have gone through a lot lately...
So I have been posting a lot.
I have gone through shit people will never have to go through.
But, though I have been through a lot... I seem to be way less caring about stuff right now.
Either Im not caring about everything... or im actually happy right now o.o
I think I'd be more happier with friends around... or there was a beach where I could lay and like, love the sun for forever.
I still wish to be anywhere but Colorado...
But for right now, I feel slightly content..
I'll be surprised if this actually lasts.
But if it does... I'll actually be happy to say that I'll be happy for once in my life... again :)