Not My White World

I open my eyes, gasping for air...
I dont wish to kill myself...
Because I'd never see my mother in heaven...
But I have such a strong erg to just end my life.

I can feel the water hitting my face.
Its annoying, but I feel that the water can calm me down.
I feel too weak to stand, so Im curled up on the bath floor.

Everything is white...
The bath, the curtains, the soap, shampoo...
Even I; The color has drained from my skin.
Its like I just saw a ghost... Maybe I have.

Your story, your words...
Its like im watching a play, over and over.
It wont go away, but I wish it to...
I cant touch it,.. but I can feel it.
I close my eyes tightly, just to see it there still after re-opening them.

Its my ghost.
And this is her life:
Your words,... Your story...
You friends... their words...
Your plan,...
Your success.
Her death....

Its the thought right before I go to bed, and the first when I wake.

Im sitting here curled,... tears rolling down my face.
Im watching the water run down my skin, like a river flowing over rocks.
There are the rough parts, and the smooth parts...
All the way down the river, for miles and miles...
Till it joins the ocean, roaring, and crashing.
Shining and silent.
Where old stories have been told,...
Where oil has spilt...
Or the river dies..
tries up to nothing.

I sit there, thinking about you, you and your friends.
I sit here thinking... Im alone.
Why do you come before my friends?
When I would never come before yours?

That goes back to my old thoughts...
Just one little girl in the middle of a big city.
She is surrounded by people...
Yet, she is alone.

And more thoughts come and come...

Winter...
Im sitting there drinking my hot coco...
Alone
By the fire.
The fire which died a long time ago.
A fire that died before anyone could see it's brightness.

A girl, sitting by a dead fire.


Im scared
Scared of everything.
Scared to trust, scared to love, scared to touch, to feel, to need, to want.
Scared of life...
Scared that you know how I hurt, but you do it anyways.
Scared that you listen to everyone TELLING you to hurt me...
Scared because you did it.
Scared because you liked it.
Scared
Scared
Scared

This is not where I wish to be.
I wish to be with my mother.
Gone from any pain anyone could possibly cause.
Gone from the people who know the past
Gone from myself.

I sit in this white tub,...
Everythings so white.
But the pain is still here.

I hope I never have to feel this way...
I hope you will always be there for me next time.
I hope you will hold me as Im dying
Dying all around you.


I felt a pain in my chest.
Not like a heartbreak, though I had been crying for you...
And you chose not to answer...
But a pain that I was dying.
Faster and faster.
More and more.
I felt my heart stop beating...
At that time, I had to take deep breaths..
My back slid down the wall, and I sat there...
Trying to breath.




I feel my death all around me.
And you didnt want to save me.
Thats the path you had chosen.