Hidden Truth

So a few days ago me and my bf got into this huge fight...
Huge enough that I put it into my very very personal private journal, that I only write in once a month, or every two months.
He had told me this huge plan of his to break up with me...
It lingers in my head still...
And he told me how he went to his friends for advice.
One, who hates me.
second, who I thought was a friend, but yet, I knew he really wasnt a 'friend friend' so his words didnt shock me.
Of course, #1 would tell him to break up with me... of course... she did.
#2 said 'she has control now, wait till YOU have control'

to me... since I have the mind that I have... it means 'wait till she starts to suffer/wait till she breaks/wait till she begs'

Why would your 'better half' make you suffer? Make you break? Make you beg? On purpose??
Those thoughts still linger in my head as well...

He went out and had 'fun'... while I sat in my room alone...
The one and only person I would have gone to,...
Would have been my mother.... Too bad I cant hear her, or touch her anymore.
The only person I had to go to, was my mom who passed away...
I depend on my boyfriend for help and support...
So when he cant help me, I go to a knife... and I dont think of 'cutting' I think of 'ending it'
I think of ripping my hair out, stabbing myself... Since thats how my mom was, since she actually DID stab herself in the stomach, since she DID try to do a lot of things, she could be the only one to STOP me from doing it...
She did what she did... and there were times where she had enough force to not do it again...
That force must have been strong...
So only someone strong like that could stop actions like these...

You probably dont get what im saying...
But like Jared said...
You cant have a teacher teaching people how to... 'stay away from drugs' if he has never done drugs himself... if he has never been an addict.

my bf says 'tell me your thoughts from now on' but I just have so so so many....
and most of them are best left unsaid...
I told him my problem,... too much stress and depression.. too much fear and doubt, I will break, I will fall....
But dont feel like you have to stay with me or 'i'll kill myself if you leave me' because thats not how it works....
just act like an adult when it comes to situations like these....
No games... just straight up tell me... right than and there.

I feel guilty for telling you my depression problems... but I feel like I shouldnt hide it...
I just want to make sure you know your NOT chained to me...

So back to my thoughts....
These ones... not so important, but important...
Tell him or not?
They wouldnt make him happy, but they wouldnt make him 'mad' maybe sad...
But Im tired of hurting people...

But when I dont 'explain' things 100% all the way, they take it totally different...

for example, when I told him 'if you cant handle me, than we shouldnt be together'
How would you take that?
What I meant was 'if you cant handle me at my worst, you dont deserve me at my best...'
again, as in 'no matter how mad YOU are, I will still love you, and want to be there for you, and hold you in my arms... but if you dont want to love me, and be there for me when IM mad... than why should you love me only when im just in a good mood?'

somehow he thought I meant 'it has to be my way, or we're breaking up'
and thats what he told all his friend.... Now even more people hate me.
I bet he hasnt even told everyone that he misunderstood me. =/


I write on here about anyone and everyone... it was meant for me to read and to remember anyways, sorry.