If You Really Knew Me

I post a lot about myself,... complaining as most of you would call it.
I call it 'letting my feelings out'
Looking for attention is what you call it.
finding who your real friends is what I call it.

I was watching 'If You Really Knew Me' on MTV
I think everyone has a story that wants to be told.

Back in high school, Im sure a lot of kids went through stuff, other than who is the best at school.. Other than who is the prettiest, other than top grades.

When kids are happy... You can tell. When kids are sad, you can tell. They didnt care who was infront of them, they would laugh, didnt matter who was infront of them, they would cry.

When you call a place 'home' but when you really go 'home'... does it really feel like home?


When people write, maybe its because they are looking for attention. Not attention like your thinking though. Maybe when people want attention... they are asking someone to be there for them... they are looking to be cared for, they are looking for a chance to be happy. Maybe they cant do it alone... maybe just one person cant fill every hole they have. Sometimes they need help filling in all the other holes.

Was someone there for you every time you needed someone?
Yes? So you got through it easier? You felt better.. So why dont you help another person?
Or no? So you suffered alone... How did it feel? So you dont mind seeing someone else suffer?


If someone told a story online,... would you even read it?
But if they told you that same exact story in person,... would you even listen?
If they started crying,... would you hug them?
Would you mean it?
Would you cry with them?


When you were in school, did you ever talk about your problems?
Did you keep your problems to yourself untill you were out of school?

So as I cant remember complaining so much at school, I feel like I am letting 4 years of my life out in my blogs.
So for those of you who know me now, but not before, Im not complaining.
For those of you who have heard my stories, and all you can say 'I dont see how your alive after all you've been through' or 'I would not be able to be in your spot'
I must say, that I have times in life where Im at my wost, and times that I just let everything drive right past me, without a thought.

For those of you who had to grow up too fast, for those who were never a child..
For those of you who were teased, or told that you were not as good as someone else...
For all of you who's parents dont act like they love you,...
for all of you who are loving, but dont get love back...
For everyone who wouldnt cry when they wanted to...
For those who cry themselves to sleep...
For those who has a bad day, and has no one there for them...
For everyone who is stuck in a shell, and cant get out...
For the people who's lost someone in your life...
For the people who walked out of your life...
For those of you who will act like nothing happened tomorrow...
For everyone who doesnt let it out...
For everyone who does...
For everyone...


I love you.
I may not know who you are...
I may hate you for things you've purposely done to me
I may not trust you..
But I would listen to your stories if you told them to me...
I would hug you if you cried infront of me.
I read your blogs if I see them.
I would crie if you cried... even if its just inside.


When I was in 11th grade my mom got cancer...
I dont even remember telling anyone but Derrick Butcher [my ex]
I went to school and I did hate it, because I was at a new school... but being at the new school, I didnt have very many close friends, so I didnt have to talk about my problems.
12th grade, I stopped hanging out with so many people, and kept to myself mostly.
So again, I didnt tell much people about what was really going on.
The year after I graduated, my mom and I were living back into the house with no heat or AC and this time, no hot water either...
The year after I graduated, my mom passed away.

Im going to go back a few grades....
6th grade, I lived in hotels, and in the car, and in stranger's houses with my mom
7th grade, I moved, and lived in a walk-in closet. No heat, no AC...
8th grade, it was still the same situation.
9th grade, my mom had heart problems. She almost died twice. My mom tried to kill herself infront of me... She bit me, and the school called the police
10th grade, the only problems I seemed to have were boy problems. 10th grade was the best school year I had. I moved out of the closet, and into a room,.. but still no heat or AC


I think everyone needs to open their eyes... and realize people are not complaining... they are letting their feelings out. Wanting to be heard without calling it 'looking for attention'

Today... be there for someone.

Short Term

Lately... I've been happier for some odd reason...
No matter what has happened to me the past couple of days,... it seems like I've been taking it cool.
I lost my best friend Juan... my brother...
And you know what, Im actually fine with that.

And than I realized I dont remember anything that happens really... well of course I do, but a lot of times I dont.
Like the other day I was yelling at Virus about something, and Im not even going to start.... ok ok,.... it was about a bee...
Anyways...
I was yelling at her, and I dont even remember. Well I remember a little,... I just remember yelling at Jared mostly... [since the last time he got stung by a bee, he got flown to the hospital in a helicopter]

But it was as if I blacked out
weird right?
And it seems like I ask things over and over and over...

gosh, I cant even remember where I was going with this blog,...
I guess the movie "Disturbia" doesnt really help.

omg, I love this movie

Fake

I've been thinking...
What do I deserve...?
What Dont I deserve?

Well I've got an answer...
I defiantly dont deserve a spot on this earth.

And I've also been thinking...
Who has ever been there for me?
Who is there for me now?
Who was there for me when my mom was dying?
Or after?

Who was I there for?
No one I guess...
If Im not there for anyone, than why should I believe anyone would be here for me?

Why should I ever believe in this life I have?
I never had friends.... Never will...
No one will be there at my funeral,... other than to spit on my grave...

When will it turn from talk, to action?
What keeps me from killing myself?
I cant wait


Fake love, fake friends.
Fake Life

Im Tired

Im tired of everyone and their crap....
Im tired of everyone hurting my feelings....

People dont watch what they say, so why should I?

I wanted to see him today, but he just knew how to push my buttons till it broke...
I still want to see him, but I just want to yell in his face.
I wanted to see him, but I dont feel like talking to him.

No one gets me... not even him

I would give you everything

I've been laying in my bed thinking... wondering...
Wondering what is wrong with me...

First wondering.... When was the last time I had a REAL best friend that was a girl?
I would think that I would always be there for her if she needed a shoulder to cry on.. I would be there every time she wanted to go out and go shopping, or go get her nails done.

I remember I used to go to get my eyebrows done, or my nails done.... and I KNOW I went with someone... but I cant remember who with. I know it was with my mom... maybe once with my nails.

But if I could have a best friend, who I could TRUST and feel safe around, I would do so much for them...

The last time I thought I had a best friend, and I spent most of my time with her, she went around talking behind my back, and she had sex with the guy I was so madly in love with at the time behind my back... while my mom was dying...

At times, I'd pick her up just to give her rides,... or I even gave her a place to live, let her sleep over at my boyfriends house while she was homeless, and didnt even yell at her when she said she didnt feel comfortable sleeping in the guest room alone... and would crawl into bed with me and my bf at the time....

I think thats when I gave up on having a best friend.

And than I moved onto having best friends with guys, because unlike most girls, I dont need to have sex with every guy I get close to....

And its like I would do so so much for my 'brother' to help him with his huge situation with moving to mexico... or I'd buy my friends food everyday so they had something to eat, and would save their stamps,... I would even drive them around when they just needed a ride.

They no longer really talk to me... but they impacted my life the most in Turlock, so I guess I do have to give them credit.

But if I had a best friend, I would still 'want' to continue the nice things I do....
Let them borrow my stuff,... drive them around, be their shoulder to cry on, do their hair, buy them food....

But every time I do that, something happens, and all the nice things I do are forgotten within a flash.... Its like everything I did means nothing to them.

So why should I keep doing things for other people?

But than Kathy told me,... [in different words] 'you are someone who is caring and giving, that is who you are. Because everyone hates you after you do something for them, dont stop for other people... one nice thing is something more than they wouldnt have gotten without you, and that could impact them later on... they will always remember what you did, even if they dont care'

Ok, so she might not have meant exactly that, but thats what I'd like to think she meant.


I have helped people, letting them stay at my place for months, only to be treated like crap, and them ending up stealing from me...
I have friends try and tell me whats what with religion, as if they ARE a god, and they KNOW what really happened...
I dont care if you believe in god, or if you believe in satan,... If you dont like people trying to turn you into whatever religion... than why are you doing it?
keep it to yourself....

I dont go around telling you how the world is, so dont tell me....
The world is judgmental... you judge me for not being like you,... and I judge you for trying to prove what you think is the way to live...
I always keep my mouth shut untill someone tries to tell me they know what they know as a 'fact' and try to prove it...

Why does everyone tend to put their religion on me? And you know, its always people who are against christians... I have never been preached to more by non christians ever in my life till I moved to colorado.

I can see why I never make friends here, because everyone gives me a chance to be upset, and gives me a chance to get angry

Everyone has shown me the ugly side of living here.... Jared is the only good thing that has happened to me...

If I could have someone here, and we're on good terms, act atleast decent, and not so rude, and childish.... than I would do everything for a best friend.

Im glad I have cali friends willing to come out here

Ex ex ex ex.... Not my thoughts :]

Sometimes my boyfriend makes me sad, mad, irritated, and frustrated...
But sometimes he makes me the happiest person in the whole world.
Sometimes I wish he was more of a dancer, or had more fashion.
But I should be ashamed to wish he was something more than he is...

Sometimes [sadly] I wish he was more like my ex.....
But with all this wishing, I than realize, he is better than a boyfriend who can dance, or a boyfriend with fashion... or a boyfriend that can cook... or a boyfriend that is like my ex...

I have realized.... the best thing, and the most important thing is that he loves me,... He loves me more than anyone else I've ever met... And that tops any wish I could ever wish... well, besides staying with each other for many many years.


I will always love my ex in some sort of way,... but lately I've been thinking,... 'what if I run into him when I need to find richie in turlock....'
Last time when we 'wernt talking' to each other because he was dating,... I called him a fag,... at his house, when he opened the door.

it was kinda funny actually.... well, not to me really,... well kinda. I almost laughed. and I think he did too? actually, I think Alayna's mom came in and was like 'OH!!! THTATS why ronnie is punching the wall, because your here'

heh... ok, it wasnt that funny. Its probably because Im such a respectful girl, and I never say things to hurt people on purpose... like ever. I cant even remember why I called him that... or if I even called him that. Im sure I said 'jerk' or asshole instead of fag.... thats such a harsh word.



ANYWAYS!!! as I was saying.... what if I run into him, what if he tries to mess with my head just because he thinks its funny....

he always had that control over me...
but you know, now that I think about it.... I have something better than I ever had...

something better than him.

I have a boyfriend who loves me more than any ex I've ever had....
I have my own business now.
I dont have drama in my own home.


And than sometimes I think about the past with my friends....
and sometimes I try to think of my ex....
and its kinda funny because....
I think about how much better off I am... About how I forget his name and mix it with someone else's, about how I forgot his face, about how I never say old sayings anymore, about how I'll have a better life, about how Jared is the greatest guy... About how I've moved on.

I no longer wish to be back with him... and all my pictures on the wall have all fallen down, and I no longer care to put them back up...

I still wish to be somewhat friends,... but I am no longer making a goal of it..

I just want to go to cali, show off my fangs, and that I have money to buy new AWESOME clothing...
I just hope I get my fangs in time.


I wanted to make him and his baby a quilt, of a crow and a moon, but.... than I decided not to when I hear some shit about how Im being talked crap about,... when I havnt talked to him in forever.... they have no rights to do that, so Im not gonna make some stupid quilt for them.

Im tired of doing nice things for people when they would never do the same for me.

Jared is better than anything I could ever have.... ever.

Crew

I was talking to an old friend today... she called me on the phone...

She was saying how funny it was [sarcasm] that we were all friends, and now, the original crew doesnt even exist now.

The original crew didnt have me in it,....
the only girls in the crew really were alayna, and rosa, than I came in.

But this is how it went....

There was Damien, hooked up with Alayna, I was hooked up with Ronnie, Ronnie's sister Rosa was hooked up with Steve, and than there was Richie...

And that was pretty much us who hung out all the time everyday.

Damien and Alayna are not friends anymore
Me and Ronnie are no longer friends anymore
Damien's new best friend is Drew,...
Drew was originally Alayna's good friend
Drew got a gang to beat up Richie
Rosa and Steve are no longer friends....

As far as I know....
All the boys are still friends with each other
All the girls are off on their own.... except rosa and ronnie seem to be closer now
I dont think Steve and ronnie are really friends still, as always...
Richie wants to move to colorado

This used to be one huge big family.....
What happened?

Nights of all Nights

Today was just stupid....
Like I tell everyone...
If you really wanted something, you would have said it, or done it.
I wanted two things tonight....

To go to baby bat,....
And to not talk or see Jared. No offense.

He was ignoring me over something I said,... cause of something he said,.. because something I dreampt

Like, all day long all I could think was 'he is ignoring me,... and I've seen this before.... and it all ends exactly like the other'

I hate being ignored on purpose.... especially when we're fighting... Just makes me wonder if we're even still dating....

And that just leads me to jumping to conclusions,... and leads me to just cry all day long.

We cleared our situation slightly... I said what I said, because his text didnt send the full text. [supposedly]

But I had so wanted to go to baby bat....
Last night I was watching videos on what to do with my hair....
and so today, I spent lots of time doing it... just to take it down and do something else....

I was super excited to help out.... but I knew if I went to baby bat, I would have just caused more drama... I wouldnt have been able to hold anything in when it comes to standing up to yourself... especially towards people you love, and the people that you thought loved you back





Sometimes some things are just not worth it anymore =/ idk what to do with myself....

My Best Friends...

My best friends are never my best friends to begin with...
They are all just people who tell me that they can handle me,... that we'll be friends forever.... that we're a family,...

And all of those are just lies.... always.

People I've dated say that we'll always be friends, or they will always love me....
I have a few of those.... but its not enough to call it friendship.

It doesnt matter if you grew up with someone.... It doesnt matter if you spent every single day with them for 5 years,....

It doesnt matter if you told them your deepest darkest secrets.... There is no such thing as 'best friends forever'

Not in my book,... but,.... I still hope Jared will be....
I hope you never hate me,... I hope you dont see like the others do. I hope that you see me different in your eyes... But than I hope you see it, and I hope that your sight never grows old.

Im no damsel in distress, but your still my hero.
Im not homeless, but your still my shelter.
Im not heart broken, but you still gave me your heart.


Im tired of people fighting over a guy, or guys getting mad for their friends dating their exs....
Im tired of girls getting jealous of each other's looks...
or money, or whatever....
Sometimes Im scared to think, to do,... I express my feelings by typing, and responses....
But sometimes letting my friends know how I feel no longer cuts it.... No one cares about what their best friend has to cry about... Its every man for themself....

I can tell you what your doing is wrong,... and you'll hate me for that,... even if Im trying to give you advice,... you'll hate me for that,... If I know something will bring you down,... You'll hate me for that.
Choose what you want with your own life,... Im just trying to point things out.


IDK where I was going with this anymore.... but I just wish there was more people out there that were more understanding, or accepted that people dont like certain things.....

I wish I had friends that would consider me as family...
Its hard to find people like that.
I thank Jared for being there for me.