I would give you everything

I've been laying in my bed thinking... wondering...
Wondering what is wrong with me...

First wondering.... When was the last time I had a REAL best friend that was a girl?
I would think that I would always be there for her if she needed a shoulder to cry on.. I would be there every time she wanted to go out and go shopping, or go get her nails done.

I remember I used to go to get my eyebrows done, or my nails done.... and I KNOW I went with someone... but I cant remember who with. I know it was with my mom... maybe once with my nails.

But if I could have a best friend, who I could TRUST and feel safe around, I would do so much for them...

The last time I thought I had a best friend, and I spent most of my time with her, she went around talking behind my back, and she had sex with the guy I was so madly in love with at the time behind my back... while my mom was dying...

At times, I'd pick her up just to give her rides,... or I even gave her a place to live, let her sleep over at my boyfriends house while she was homeless, and didnt even yell at her when she said she didnt feel comfortable sleeping in the guest room alone... and would crawl into bed with me and my bf at the time....

I think thats when I gave up on having a best friend.

And than I moved onto having best friends with guys, because unlike most girls, I dont need to have sex with every guy I get close to....

And its like I would do so so much for my 'brother' to help him with his huge situation with moving to mexico... or I'd buy my friends food everyday so they had something to eat, and would save their stamps,... I would even drive them around when they just needed a ride.

They no longer really talk to me... but they impacted my life the most in Turlock, so I guess I do have to give them credit.

But if I had a best friend, I would still 'want' to continue the nice things I do....
Let them borrow my stuff,... drive them around, be their shoulder to cry on, do their hair, buy them food....

But every time I do that, something happens, and all the nice things I do are forgotten within a flash.... Its like everything I did means nothing to them.

So why should I keep doing things for other people?

But than Kathy told me,... [in different words] 'you are someone who is caring and giving, that is who you are. Because everyone hates you after you do something for them, dont stop for other people... one nice thing is something more than they wouldnt have gotten without you, and that could impact them later on... they will always remember what you did, even if they dont care'

Ok, so she might not have meant exactly that, but thats what I'd like to think she meant.


I have helped people, letting them stay at my place for months, only to be treated like crap, and them ending up stealing from me...
I have friends try and tell me whats what with religion, as if they ARE a god, and they KNOW what really happened...
I dont care if you believe in god, or if you believe in satan,... If you dont like people trying to turn you into whatever religion... than why are you doing it?
keep it to yourself....

I dont go around telling you how the world is, so dont tell me....
The world is judgmental... you judge me for not being like you,... and I judge you for trying to prove what you think is the way to live...
I always keep my mouth shut untill someone tries to tell me they know what they know as a 'fact' and try to prove it...

Why does everyone tend to put their religion on me? And you know, its always people who are against christians... I have never been preached to more by non christians ever in my life till I moved to colorado.

I can see why I never make friends here, because everyone gives me a chance to be upset, and gives me a chance to get angry

Everyone has shown me the ugly side of living here.... Jared is the only good thing that has happened to me...

If I could have someone here, and we're on good terms, act atleast decent, and not so rude, and childish.... than I would do everything for a best friend.

Im glad I have cali friends willing to come out here