Giving Up Finally?

How many times do I have to say that I just want to give up on life before I actually do it?
I've stood there digging my nails into my palm untill I bled... I've pulled my hair out,... I've even stood there slamming a door into my head over and over.....
I even went and carved words into my skin hoping they'd scar,... and I wouldnt forget them.
I've tried to hold my breath, but that is the worst way to try and end your life,... never works.

Everyday I get irritated..... mad... upset, and I end up crying. For once, I'd love for things to go my way.... I wish I could go back into the past..... go back to Turlock.

I cant express just how much I love my bf.... but sometimes I feel like that isnt even enough to live day to day....
If I cant make myself happy, than why should I still be alive?
If I cant make others happy, than why should I still be alive?

Sometimes I just wish I'd stop saying, and start doing....
and I dont mean start living...
Because once I start living, Its not long till I get shot down to the very bottom of the mountain again.

I remember when I was the happiest little girl ever.... than my parents split, and I stayed with my mom.... ended up living in our car, and hotel room.... and from house to house, than to a closet....

Than we settled down for a while, and I became happy again,... than I moved to a new school,... and my mom got cancer....

than I settled down for a while, and my mom's cancer went away for a while, than I left Derrick's parents house cause they just didnt stop bitching, and lived alone with my dad, came back, and my mom was even worse!

than my aunt kicked me out of the house cause I couldnt pay the bills while my mom was in the hospice.... and than she passed away....
than my new bf cheated on me with 7 girls,....

and I left to move to Turlock....
I was the happiest girl ever...
than my grandpa kicked me out of the house, and I had to move to colorado, and after a few months of being completely alone me and a different bf broke up with each other....
and I sat in the room day after day doing nothing....

and so it goes on with other people,... and there are things I left out... LOTS of things....

but what keeps you alive?
Really.... why are you alive? what are you going to do to change the world? nothing? than why are you even alive? what is the point??

I just cant stop thinking about life.... and why im even alive when I dont want to be....

when I'd rather be dead, so I could stop crying, so I could stop being so upset.....
so I can stop hurting people, making people so upset.... so I could let people live their lives without all the stress from me...

I would do anything to go back into the past....... anything.
I miss Turlock, and I miss my friends, I miss my happiness, and I miss the adventures,...... I miss the family that we were....