I almost crashed

So I was staying over at a friends house.....
I dont think Arah likes me.... but than again, I dont think many girls like me.
But while I was over at my friend's, Jared kept texting me, saying he was doing drugs, and that it was my fault, this and that....
Yea, I didnt just sit there texting, I was sitting and crying around everyone.
I want Jared back.... but than I look at Jena's page, and remember that hes just lying, and everyting he says is wrong,....
I know hes dating her, or atleast hooked up with her....
It pisses me off. If they were to meet face to face right now, I bet they'd be sucking face.

"i dont want you to die tomorrow babe but your my everything my love"
"i never want to let you go ill hold onto you forever ♥"

Yea, what the fuck ever Jared.... keep lying about how you two are nothing but friends.
so you know what, go do whatever the fuck you want, and i'll do what I want.
Im tired of him bringing me down. if he wants to read my blogs and be down, than he can.... Im not going to stop him, because im going to say whatever I want....
I loved him, still love him, and just cause I've been talking to a guy, and seen him like twice means that I dont love him, than he can think whatever, cause I dont need to prove anything.
I never cheated on him, not calling anyone 'love' or baby, or saying they are my everything....
I cant believe I still cry over that jerk....
And I cant believe I blamed myself for him doing drugs again... I mean I do, but I shouldnt. not like I can go into his head and go 'hey, do drugs'

Anyways, I was at my friends house, and I got tired of being there, so I decided to go home.... right when it was snowing really really bad....
maybe I was hoping to get into a car crash....
which I almost did.... when I was sorta by my house.....
I was going down a hill, going like 0 miles an hour!!!! and I was taking a turn, and my car didnt turn.... just went straight, and almost hit a car.....

was no fun at all. I need a new car.... like bad.....
Oh, and im finally getting a sewing machine.... its been long enough.....


Derrick still seems to want me to move in.... 'in a few months' but it'll be longer than that.... but he had found an old school binder of mine.... It made him miss me....
I really am a great person..... and I am someone to be missed.... I've just been going through shit for years.... and I havnt gotten over things....
and I'll become afraid to loose someone, and my whole personality changes....
This thing I've been suffering from for years is getting me nowhere....
I need to find someone who'll stick around forever... of course there is no such thing....
I deserve better.... everyone does....
But will I ever find someone? Probably not....
I'll probably be alone forever, or keep finding jerks....
I'll be wasting my life forever trying to find someone.... and that someone will keep leaving me...
I know thats how my life is going to be. I can feel it.....
And maybe thats why I'll never get better, is because deep down, I know im just wasting time with everyone, because i know that EVERYONE is just going to leave....
I should just stop trying.