Alone

So I ran out of fabric.... just cutting patterns...
When you see everyone's facebook....
And everyone is in love, or with someone, or missing someone....
It kinda really sucks when no one says that about you...
When your like the only person who doesnt even have friends saying they miss you.... or a special someone.... it is really depressing.
I wrote a blog today about how I've been depressed for 4 years, and it really needs to change... Its so much harder when your alone.

Ronnie and I dont really talk anymore. I told him that I didnt want him to treat me like I was his, if I wasnt.... I dont want him to say im not allowed to hang out with people, and tell me what I can, and cant do if we're not gonna be together.... and well, there was a lot more to that..
It didnt take him long to find a new girl....
I must really not be that great of a person...
If people can call someone love, babe, or whatever else.... already dating/hooked up with someone right after im out of the picture.... and be totally forgotten about a second later... yea... that shows that I was really that important. Im just an easy girl to be replaced....
I mean, the only thing I've called Ronnie, was 'hun'
Same with Tom....
The whole world seems to have someone missing them....
Or atleast great friends....

I mean.... Jo has really been trying to flirt with me, saying he wants to move to colorado, and if he did, hed ask me out... I mean, hes really nice and all, practically a real gentlemen... but idk.... I just dont like talking to him... i mean, everything he says is meaningless.... I know hes just flirting with me cause he wants to get with me if he did move here... hes so desperate to get out of cali...
Maybe thats why I dont care for him flirting with me.... is cause i know hes just trying to find someone to live with....

And than Derrick.... we dont talk much at all.... its usually only when i randomly pop into his head....
He said he is going to get me out to cali asap... Which would be nice and all... great actually.... except for a few things here and there. But I dont feel like he really actually misses me.... not like how someone would miss their girlfriend. I feel like its just the missing of days of him having someone to old.... not actually me.... if he had a chance to have someone to fall asleep next to, than he wouldnt miss me....

today, i've just been happy, than not, happy, than not. Its realization that gets to me.
I feel pretty worthless.... I dont have a single person actually REALLY missing me...
I wish I could say how Im feeling..... but now im not allowed to.... because all my shit gets checked up on, to make sure im not gonna try to commite suicide...
my stupid therapist friend....
they have me tracked down... check my fb check my blogs....
and if I get too depressing, someone has to come down and check on me, and talk to me... might have to be vince, but if its not, than I wouldnt be too cool with that.
So now I feel like I have to bottle things up even more now, and I dont have ANYONE to talk to about it.... because if I talk to Vince, hes gonna take it as a threat, and send someone down....

I can already feel it all building up inside....
I give so much love.... and I always want to fix things, and help people, and be there for people....
Why am I the one who deserves to be alone? And unloved... and unwanted...
Why do I get picked to have a broken heart, and have to deal with it alone? Cause I choose to be alone? No, Im not fucking choosing to be alone...
What did I do? Seriously....
I mean, in a way im choosing to be alone, but in a way, im not.
I want to be with someone, but I dont think he wants the same thing....
I dont want to go about flirting with every person I see or whatever.... I mean, I found someone who can make me smile.... a lot....

Maybe im just thinking too much....
maybe I am missed.... maybe I just think every guy now is just a fucking slut, and just wants to have fun, and doesnt actually wanna be with one person... and that im too scared to open up to people.... or always going to assume that im not missed, and that im nothing to anyone....
or maybe im not thinking too much.... maybe thats how most guys actually are....

im just tired of being alone....
maybe i dont even like him.... maybe he just makes me happy, and im depending on him.... or maybe I do like him.... idk....
maybe my lifes just fucked