Alone

So tuesday night I went to sleep over at Tom's house...
and everyone was drinking, and so was I.... but it seemed that I wasnt able to get drunk....
idk why.... i had like no food in my system... but I didnt drink that much, at all, but I didnt even feel a buz at all either.
It was nice to wake up next to someone before heading off to work.
His friends are interesting.... but I miss the turlock crew....
Tom keeps saying im allowed to come over whenever I want, and sleep over whenever I want n its not like hes using me for sex, cause idk, it'd weird me out with him having 6 people over all the time, and most of the time two of them sleep in his room, so... yea.
He wanted me to come over tuesday, but I was all saying like I didnt wanna drive home in the middle of the night, so we got really confused....
I will always be insecure about hanging out with a guy now, because I think Im over too much, or whatever. I dont wanna push someone away cause im around too often....
and it sucks having to run errens, or do shit alone all the time...
but I guess thats life.
I just wish I had my own friends already...
like virus, only, not whiney, or bitchy, or complains about everything.
besides, i havnt heard from her for a looonnnggg time....
she hasnt even been online.
And Erin just has too much problems and I'd love to help, but I just dont know how to.... when she talks about it, im just blank minded, and feel retarded cause idk what to say. Plus shes always with her boy.

I have really been wanting my own place.... and Derrick really wants me to move in with him. He says hes always been thinking of getting back with me, and this time we could make things work out.... but idk. I want to stay here... I want an apartment with a basement.... I guess maybe I just wanna stay with someone for a while who I DONT wanna have my life with. if that sounds weird, I'll tell you.... it does. I wanna have feelings for someone, but not be in love with someone. Im so scared to be hurt.... I just dont want to love ever again.... I dont want to open myself up, and let someone play surgery with me... To have a crush on someone, and like them, and getting hurt like that, is way better than being in love with someone, wanting to have a family, and dying besides them, and being hurt by that person...
I wish it wasnt like that, I wish I would love again....
And I know Derrick and I have matured a lot since the past two years.... I figured that no matter what, I'll argue, but I just need to find ways how to controll it, or solve it....
I was really able to do that in the past few months, but of course, by that time, it didnt matter =/
Because the past few months, I've been trying so hard, and the whole time, it was just a big fat fucking lie.... and a game...

But other than not wanting to fall in love,.... I still dont wanna be with Derrick for other reasons...
One, NEVER date a person twice.... I almost made that mistake....
two... I want to stay in colorado for a little longer. Idk what it is, but I feel like staying here could do me some good...
three, I dont feel like depending on anyone anymore... I do, for the comfort, but dont, because... I just dont. I want to be able to have someone I can depend on, just to say I have someone there for me.... rather than saying 'i have no one' because that just makes you realize just how alone you really are, and how no one cares what so ever... Or to have friends who'll help you if your stranded....
And four...
his friends hate me, and I hate them. thats the one thing about hard core metal heads... we dont like anyone but our own friends. Nick is a big ass, gary is too shy around me that i know somethings up, and kelsey.... my ex bro... we just dont talk anymore. and than everyone else..... that I went to school with.... just... no.
Oh, and fift... [sp] I do like Tom... Not saying I wanna stay here to work things out with him, but he makes me smile =]

But sometimes you gotta wonder why we've stayed friends for all this time. Im sure he knew I cheated on him all along... And still, he has been there if I really needed him.... not that I ever did. He was still there when my mom was passing, the day she did pass, and he was there at her funeral...

And yea... I love him, always will.... and sometimes I'll cry, but I really feel like my love for him changed over time... Im not sure if I could love him the same again....
and something is keeping me here in Colorado.... I hate the place, but something is keeping me here.
idk what,... but something. I hope to find out soon...
I need to find a roommate.... bad... I REALLY want to move out.

And I've been feeling alone alot lately... it sucks. It'll make me feel like I screwed everything up for me...
but I've got to deal with it.
It sucks Tom lives sooo far away....
luckily he lives close to my work tho.

and he has all these kittens!! I want one! idk how muggle would feel about that, but when I move out, im gonna get myself a black kitteen... train him on a leash outside all the time, and have him in the car all the time...

Well, I have a stupid dentist appointment in a few hours.... gr