But day 1 was on friday...
When Jared and I finally broke it off.
yay, and nay...
Yay, because I dont need that shit...
nay because I love him still and loved him more than anyone. I can actually say that because I actually sat and thought about it.
Lastnight it hit me hard....
I had the biggest breakdown... For the longest time.
I dont have people to take my mind off of him....
Im not staying up all night talking to a certain boy telling him shit saying hes hot, trying to make him laugh...
Actually, its kinda the other way around... I have boys telling me they would go out with me, and Im just sitting here crying and ignoring them.
I went to Derrick lastnight, because he knows how it feels, and knows me really well....
But apparently he doesnt... since he just said that I should get stoned every once in a while...
Idk... I said 'jared would kill me' which he wouldnt... Jared wouldnt care actually... I only wish he did.
I found Jared's sweater lastnight... And I fell asleep clinging onto it. Like every time I woke up, I was still holding onto it.
Pretty pathetic... I wrote a blog about wanting to forget everything, and someone told me that i'll never forget,...
and you know what, I will... if I dont read my blogs... which I dont re-read them... if I dont watch videos...
Like with Derrick... I honestly dont remember much at all...
He does... and he'll tell me stories that I wont remember at all, or I'll ask him if I did this or that...
I dont want to forget with jared, but there will be no other way to move on.
I must move on,... and fast.... because this hurts more than anything... except loosing my mom. But when I lost Ronnie, I moved on not too long after... Donnie, it happened fast.... not as fast, but didnt hurt as much... Bass... it hurt and hurt for a while but it didnt hurt like this. It was the hurt of myself of loosing a friend, and thinking how fucking stupid I was...
Pain comes from the heart.... And the heart tells you whats right or wrong... but your heart cant predict the future.... But the future doesnt always hold great things for everyone...
I just hope mine does... I just hope I can move on soon. I dont want a rebound, I dont want a bf, or a boy toy, or a fling.... I just want to fucking be happy. I feel like im being replaced rather quickly, and hes not even thinking of me, so that'll just make me move on faster.
I was planning of moving to Oceanside, but idk anymore.... I dont want to be pressured into smoking ever... at all... It sucked just thinking of doing it... Maybe it'll make me forget shit easier, and calm me down a lot more, but I dont want to become a stoner, I dont want to not remember things, and yea... idk.
I just wish I was in the future right now, to where I am somewhat a little happier.... not saying I ever will be happy again... I hope to be... but I dont want to live the days where im crying...
Derrick told me to watch a funny movie... I dont like funny movies... I like funny romance movies... romance movies.... right now.... will probably make me go off and kill myself lol
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