Never Loved

Why does it matter to you if I ever loved you or not when your the one who never loved me.
I love you, but im not in love with you.
Why would I try and get back with someone who doesnt love me, doesnt want to be with me, and is trying to hurt me?
That sounds like a stupid idea. Like you said, getting back with an ex is taking a step back, not forward.
Just TALKING to you is taking a step back.
Your such a lier... saying your not talking to Jena much, saying your not dating her, or hooked up with her...
im not stupid Jared.
So do us both a favor.... go fuck off, and never talk to me again!
stop reading my stuff.
Your not worried about me.
And why did you have to go and look up who Tom was?
Stay out of my life. You dont want to be apart of it, so start acting like you dont!
Im not wraped around your finger anymore Jared, sorry to burst your bubbles.
I love you, doesnt mean im over you....
but your over me, I can tell. you just like to be on top.
Im moving on, meaning Im going to try and live a life now.
You didnt care I was in the hospital, when I couldnt see a life without you, you didnt even ask how I was, you just automatically started fighting the day I got out.
So if anyone loved in the relationship, it was me. At least I never lied to you. And here you are, still lying your ass off.
Im so tired of fakes like you.
So dont text me ever again for something so fucking stupid.



p.s. dont forget to read the blog below.

Dear Jared...

Since you read these....
LEAVE ME ALONE! I loved you, I never cheated on you, I never slept next to anyone while we were trying to work things out....
You fucked another girl while we were dating, you were sleeping next to Krystal [and audi] while we were trying to work things out, your off getting drunk with other girls right now, calling Jena babe, love, baby...

YOUR MORE EXCITED ABOUT HER MOVING TO COLORADO THAN YOU WERE EVER EVER EXCITED TO EVER SEE ME!!!!!!!!!

Im not having sex with anyone, and luckily, the guy I think is cute right now, isnt like that [so he says] and im not calling him love, babe, or baby, or anything!!!!

so why does it matter I have a crush on someone? Just cause you and Jena arnt 100% with it 'anymore' means I never loved you cause I think someones cute?!?!?! where the fuck do you get that?! YOUR THE ONE WHO NEVER LOVED ME!!!!! EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

stop trying to make me cry! stop trying to push me whenever you see the chance... I was the one who loved in the relationship.... you never did! i left you alone.... just liked you told me to. I cant live a life if your going to try and drag me down all the time. if you worry so much about me, leave me alone. let me live. I had FINALLY stopped checking your stuff.... and here you are.

if I never loved you, I would have fucked around, and chose a person i never met over you... If I never loved you, I wouldnt be crying right now.... or would have been hurt so bad... you have some nerves to tell me I never loved you....

Why does it matter to you if I ever loved you or not anymore anyways? its over, doesnt matter... we are nothing but the past, so act like it!!!!! Loved, and learned..... but its not anything to talk about anymore. Just because we got an F, doesnt mean to try and get an A.... it means we sucked, but atleast we took the time....

stop reading my stuff..... im none of your concern. i could die right now, and it'd be none of your business....
if it was your concern, we'd be friends.... but we're not.....
I thought you'd always be there for me, like how I used to always type about....
about how you'd always be there for me no matter what....
but your not.....
Your not there for me when I dont know how to do something....
like on xbox today.....
or when im lost, and even my phone cant tell me where to go....
Or when my friends leave me alone with a guy I dont even know....
Or when im sitting in the bathroom just wanting to cut all my hair off.....
a real friend is always there.... but your not. never were... because I was nothing but a back up plan to you....

Dear Tom...

So I've met this boy....
I mean, I've been talking to him for a while online, and it was Thursday night I went over to his house. There were like.... 3/4 other guys, and two other girls there.... and Ronnie started texting where I was, what I was doing, why I was over at a guys house, than he called me, and was getting pissed off.... We havnt talked much since that day... but now hes talking to me, saying I dont talk to him, and if I even like him anymore......
Which I do, I love him to death..... but he lives in cali, and isnt gonna move here, so.... yea.

But this boy I met, his name is Tom.... hes like punk, but hella into anime.... and is kinda like a jrock boy I think....
He was in a Japanese fashion show yesterday,....
But yea, on Thursday I fell asleep next to him, and it was all kinds of cute.
But lastnight I was hanging out with some other friends, and I guess this other guy has a crush on me, but I dont like him at all....
and he kept telling me to tell him that I was hanging out with cooler people, this and that, and to stop texting tom, and to pay attention to him. Yea.... that didnt happen. I just kept texting Tom.
He makes me smile, and talks to me alot through IM and text....
and was telling me I should go over to his house and I kept saying I was busy, and he seemed super bummed....
dont wanna go into it, but I kinda like him.... but im afraid to like him, cause idk how he is, if hes a player, or not....
idk if he has a crush on this other girl, and if its all too good to be true....
idk if he likes me....
so I dont wanna show too much emotions, cause apparently his friends really like me, and I like them, so I dont wanna ruin anything....
I dont wanna get my hopes up, and get shot down. I mean, I dont care if I get shot down.... Just idk,....

Tom is willing to let me stay over for a while to make a bunch of clothing for the masquerade vampire photoshoot, and hes gonna help make some as well, and the masks as well.... And hes gonna come with me to meet the other clothing designers
Hes gonna be a model for the shoot too....

Oh, and hes a cat fan.... and has the cutest little kittens EVER!! But hes so sweet, always happy.... I hope to stop being so shy around him soon....

Every Night....

Every night, Ronnie calls me, knowing I wont pick up the phone because he knows I dont like to talk on the phone...
But he still calls every night.... and leaves me a voice message about what he has been doing since we had last texted...
And lets me know he misses me and loves me, and will say anything he can to make me smile.....

He got mad at me yesterday because I said something like 'ask someone else' and I guess,... idk, but I just started crying..... for a totally different reason that didnt even have to do with him.

Anyways, theres these guys who come to the cafateria everyday just to give me shit.....
well, and get food, but if im in the back, they will call me, and give me shit. its funny tho... not like bad type shit....
And today, they personally gave me a $5 tip today =] just for me.




Anyways, I started thinking on the way home.
A very very random thought......
it almost made me cry.....



"Would you mind coming to the wedding.............. as a guest?"

STUPID CAT!!!

Ugh....
My stupid cat chewed on my mic wire....
Yesterday.... while I was at work....
I was wondering why Jared couldnt hear me when I was telling him to leave me the fuck alone while I was playing COD....
Somehow... we were in the same lobby playing free for all....
Why he was there, idk....
How we ended up together,.... idk....
Weird.....
So I was going to buy Black ops, but realized I didnt have enough gas for this week... so my $60 is going to gas.... well, part of it....
the other part is going to a new fucking mic.
idk if best buy will be open when I get home from work.... or gamestop..... idk if those are even cheaper prices than walmart..... so I guess i'll just have to go to walmart tonight.
My salamanders are getting their spots, and are really pretty....
idk if Im supposed to have 3 in a cage at once, if thats safe or not....
I hope that's fine.....
If not, I dont want to give one away to scales n' tails....
but idk what i'd do.....
They have been really active lately....
I need to clean their tank but I gave Jared back his bucket.....
I want him out of my mind, but its like every morning I see something that reminds him of me....
Like I saw Starr post something about who your music heros are.... and I was going to post on there, and saw Jared had posted on there....
yesterday morning it was stupid people who commented on his video... bad mouthing him....
than the day before he left me a message.....

things just need to stop poping up so I can move on, not think about him, and be happy!!!!!!!
but that'll never happen. I hope it does tho....
I just want to forget everything.... because if I dont, I'll keep crying....
And I want my crying days to be over.

xbox

I just need to vent....
idk where else to post this....
I had been watching a movie, and playing COD and talking to Ronnie, and Richie, and Nickie, which I dont remember who he is, but apparently when Ronnie says 'The Asian' everyone suddenly knows who I am... lol So I guess he knows me.
I've done a lot of crying today.... not gonna lie.
I wish Jared hadnt sent me that message this morning...
It made me think of him [obviously] and by the end of the message, I had started crying...
Your mind doesnt make you cry.... the love from your heart does.
I just hate how hes replaced me so fast with another girl he doesnt even know!!!!!
And I miss him, and I cant believe hes gone! And I hate him so much!! I wish I never met him!!!!!!!!!
Because I will never get him out of my mind..... Every thing in my room remind me of him...
I told him that if we one day meet up again, and I dont want to punch him in the face, than yes, I would put this all behind us like he asked...
But the thing is, if I did see him, idk what i'd do.... if I'd slap him and start crying, or if i'd run away..... crying....
either way, I know I would just start crying, especially if I saw him with another girl.
I just want him back in my life like before.... in the summer....
I need him out of my mind....
But all I was is for him to come back.....
Thats all I want.....
But its like wishing my mom was still alive.... it'll never happen...
And I've got to understand that....
I want him out of my mind..... forever till the day we meet again, and I dont want a rush of stupid ass gay lame emotions to come rushing back....
because I know in the future it wont work out.

Woke up this morning to....

This morning I woke up to a message from Jared....
I am still hurt by everything, and I still wonder if things are right....

Im supposed to write a list of what I want and what not....
I just want to be happy, and I want things to be different
And if I could, I'd make my whole list about that....
but I cant.
I have to move on....