How many times do I have to say that I just want to give up on life before I actually do it?
I've stood there digging my nails into my palm untill I bled... I've pulled my hair out,... I've even stood there slamming a door into my head over and over.....
I even went and carved words into my skin hoping they'd scar,... and I wouldnt forget them.
I've tried to hold my breath, but that is the worst way to try and end your life,... never works.
Everyday I get irritated..... mad... upset, and I end up crying. For once, I'd love for things to go my way.... I wish I could go back into the past..... go back to Turlock.
I cant express just how much I love my bf.... but sometimes I feel like that isnt even enough to live day to day....
If I cant make myself happy, than why should I still be alive?
If I cant make others happy, than why should I still be alive?
Sometimes I just wish I'd stop saying, and start doing....
and I dont mean start living...
Because once I start living, Its not long till I get shot down to the very bottom of the mountain again.
I remember when I was the happiest little girl ever.... than my parents split, and I stayed with my mom.... ended up living in our car, and hotel room.... and from house to house, than to a closet....
Than we settled down for a while, and I became happy again,... than I moved to a new school,... and my mom got cancer....
than I settled down for a while, and my mom's cancer went away for a while, than I left Derrick's parents house cause they just didnt stop bitching, and lived alone with my dad, came back, and my mom was even worse!
than my aunt kicked me out of the house cause I couldnt pay the bills while my mom was in the hospice.... and than she passed away....
than my new bf cheated on me with 7 girls,....
and I left to move to Turlock....
I was the happiest girl ever...
than my grandpa kicked me out of the house, and I had to move to colorado, and after a few months of being completely alone me and a different bf broke up with each other....
and I sat in the room day after day doing nothing....
and so it goes on with other people,... and there are things I left out... LOTS of things....
but what keeps you alive?
Really.... why are you alive? what are you going to do to change the world? nothing? than why are you even alive? what is the point??
I just cant stop thinking about life.... and why im even alive when I dont want to be....
when I'd rather be dead, so I could stop crying, so I could stop being so upset.....
so I can stop hurting people, making people so upset.... so I could let people live their lives without all the stress from me...
I would do anything to go back into the past....... anything.
I miss Turlock, and I miss my friends, I miss my happiness, and I miss the adventures,...... I miss the family that we were....
Monday, July 5, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
tired tired
ok, so this is the last one on here for the night..... than im off to finishing other stuff...
I'll miss you so so sosososososoooo much [please note, the last blog of the week,.... which actually is the first one... is probably my mind working as 'this is the first one he will read' so sorry for the suuper confusion]
I hope you can find ways to entertain yourself.... write stuff... idk... learn how to do stuff... save money, spend money, learn how to do that spray paint stuff...
dont get anything on my carpets.... miss me love me but dont hate me....
next time, hopefully you can come... usually SCA events happen once or twice a year....
well jared babe, your off to bed, and im tired...
hope everyone has a fun 4th of july....
this'll be my first 4th of july in like YEARS not spent in California... and without fireworks....
happy birthday grandma [its on the 4th]
sorry turlock crew I didnt get to see you
btw Jared, you forgot my rockstar tab
goodnight world, sweet dreams, I'll miss and love you all.... stay safe....
<3333 I hope everyone stays happy
I'll miss you so so sosososososoooo much [please note, the last blog of the week,.... which actually is the first one... is probably my mind working as 'this is the first one he will read' so sorry for the suuper confusion]
I hope you can find ways to entertain yourself.... write stuff... idk... learn how to do stuff... save money, spend money, learn how to do that spray paint stuff...
dont get anything on my carpets.... miss me love me but dont hate me....
next time, hopefully you can come... usually SCA events happen once or twice a year....
well jared babe, your off to bed, and im tired...
hope everyone has a fun 4th of july....
this'll be my first 4th of july in like YEARS not spent in California... and without fireworks....
happy birthday grandma [its on the 4th]
sorry turlock crew I didnt get to see you
btw Jared, you forgot my rockstar tab
goodnight world, sweet dreams, I'll miss and love you all.... stay safe....
<3333 I hope everyone stays happy
Rave's Oh My Goth
This one kid said he was lucky and got hired at 'Raves Oh My Goth'
Boy,.... I do not find that lucky....
I do not see why anyone shops there.... she has very little things that I dont see on "Lip-Service.com"
Like, thats almost all her store carries as for clothing....
Another thing... Raven, the owner of that store, seems to talk 'shit' about the people that work for her, calling them stupid, slow, retarded....
That is not how someone should be talking... about ANYONE especially when there are customers in the store...
One day she was even talking bad to me....
I WILL NOT walk into that store if she is around....
She has one employee who works for her who is super nice, and says 'raven is nice, you just got to get to know her'
Well... the customers do not always wish to get to know a cranky old lady....
that is one good way to loose your customers super fast...
I mean, I'd rather have my own store, or shop online instead of ever going back to her store...
when you have customers... you keep your mouth shut, put on a smile, and wait till they leave....
Jared and I were talking the other day, how it sucks if you own a business or are the boss, or manager... you always gotta put on a smiling face, even to a complaining customer... or you will loose people....
even if you dont like it.... You GOTTA do it.....
If I had my own store, and was a ritch person... I'd probably have a way better store than her.... due to the fact that I know how to advertise, and I know how to be polite!
What customer wants to know that you called someone retarded?
so boy,... if you think your LUCKY for working there... better watch your back... she's probably already talking shit about your looks... the way you talk, the way you dress, how fast you work, and everything...
luck is not on your side.... your working for the devil now
Boy,.... I do not find that lucky....
I do not see why anyone shops there.... she has very little things that I dont see on "Lip-Service.com"
Like, thats almost all her store carries as for clothing....
Another thing... Raven, the owner of that store, seems to talk 'shit' about the people that work for her, calling them stupid, slow, retarded....
That is not how someone should be talking... about ANYONE especially when there are customers in the store...
One day she was even talking bad to me....
I WILL NOT walk into that store if she is around....
She has one employee who works for her who is super nice, and says 'raven is nice, you just got to get to know her'
Well... the customers do not always wish to get to know a cranky old lady....
that is one good way to loose your customers super fast...
I mean, I'd rather have my own store, or shop online instead of ever going back to her store...
when you have customers... you keep your mouth shut, put on a smile, and wait till they leave....
Jared and I were talking the other day, how it sucks if you own a business or are the boss, or manager... you always gotta put on a smiling face, even to a complaining customer... or you will loose people....
even if you dont like it.... You GOTTA do it.....
If I had my own store, and was a ritch person... I'd probably have a way better store than her.... due to the fact that I know how to advertise, and I know how to be polite!
What customer wants to know that you called someone retarded?
so boy,... if you think your LUCKY for working there... better watch your back... she's probably already talking shit about your looks... the way you talk, the way you dress, how fast you work, and everything...
luck is not on your side.... your working for the devil now
arts and crafts
too bad I dont have yarn.... so you can make a bird feeder...
you know, today I saw two pigeons today,... white with black tails...
where are all these pet looking pigeons coming from?!?!
[btw, I always loved the nick name pigeon, or doll face]
but yea, I also saw that other black and white one [the more spotted one] like yesterday....
I was thinking if they didnt shat so much, give them bird food... too bad I no longer have bird food =/
I miss my two birds....
Did I ever mention that I took care of a dove for a little while?
It walked into my garage in cali... my two smaller birds didnt like the dove that much =[
I know it says i'dilow' idk why I put that....
but Dilow means yellow
alcombury means a place in England that I went to school at before :]
[im so hating the way photobucket is now.... i cant find any of my pictures that were not in an actual album]
that is dilow and either 'snow' or HIM but I think its snow...
I dont remember any pictures of HIM.... I had him when I was like 12.... same with dilow... dilow lived to be about... 7 years... than she some how.... some way..... got out of her cage, and flew away
and this is the dove I was telling you about....
see, he let me hold him....
and this one I think was peak....
here, just click on this..... so the picture wont be soooo huge
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v696/kagomeroxs89/Angels/101_0317.jpg
he was a chicken, and not the nicest one
my cat just printed something out on the printer....... xDD haha
oh, this is my rabbit, Mr. Kry
you know, today I saw two pigeons today,... white with black tails...
where are all these pet looking pigeons coming from?!?!
[btw, I always loved the nick name pigeon, or doll face]
but yea, I also saw that other black and white one [the more spotted one] like yesterday....
I was thinking if they didnt shat so much, give them bird food... too bad I no longer have bird food =/
I miss my two birds....
Did I ever mention that I took care of a dove for a little while?
It walked into my garage in cali... my two smaller birds didnt like the dove that much =[
I know it says i'dilow' idk why I put that....
but Dilow means yellow
alcombury means a place in England that I went to school at before :]
[im so hating the way photobucket is now.... i cant find any of my pictures that were not in an actual album]
that is dilow and either 'snow' or HIM but I think its snow...
I dont remember any pictures of HIM.... I had him when I was like 12.... same with dilow... dilow lived to be about... 7 years... than she some how.... some way..... got out of her cage, and flew away
and this is the dove I was telling you about....
see, he let me hold him....
and this one I think was peak....
here, just click on this..... so the picture wont be soooo huge
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v696/kagomeroxs89/Angels/101_0317.jpg
he was a chicken, and not the nicest one
my cat just printed something out on the printer....... xDD haha
oh, this is my rabbit, Mr. Kry
letters
Im thinking of doing something for Jared, but idk yet... when I left derrick for a long time, I made him videos, and left letters and notes everywhere for him...
speaking of Derrick, he found pictures of my mom and is gonna mail me them.
I can only find one picture of my mom after she got cancer... =[
and I took videos of her, but I cant find those =/
I want to remember every bit of her, even when she had cancer.
but I sent some people a text saying 'wow, thats a short list of friends to send this all to, but anyways, i'll be gone for a week'
and derrick said that, thats what happens when people grow up....
I swear, if he talks to me again about 'thats how it goes when people grow up' im gonna send a bomb in the mail to his house.....
whats the point of living if you have no friends? when your like Derrick.... You have a job... have no gf,... your parents hate you... you only have one friend.... ok... what is there to live for? No really... what are you REALLY saving your money for?
A new toy?
a video game your gonna play on with a bunch of people you dont know.... is that it? for the rest of your life?
So your going to school to... learn how to make cool music..... to what? have a bunch of strangers call out your name? But who are these people?
your working in a huge business.... so your a ritch bitch with a fancy car....
your too much of a slut to have kids.... you go from girl to girl...
wow,... what are you living for?
What is the meaning to grow up? to loose all your friends? so you can sit alone? night after night... you go to work, come home, eat, watch t.v. go to bed...
next morning... go to work, come home, eat, watch t.v. go to bed....
next morning... go to work, come home, eat, watch t.v. go to bed....
next day... go to work, go out with a girl, eat, have sex, go to bed....
What does it mean 'to grow up'? Really?
Does that mean.... 'stop having fun and live a boring life, get depressed, and maybe perhaps if your lucky, kill yourself before you get old, and have to live like a robot'
Look around.... ok, if your lucky, you'll have a kid.... and be even more stressed out, but with something cute in your hands for about 10 years.... than they start having their own minds....
if your lucky, you'll have a great wife or husband.... who'll entertain you...
but if you two are too grown up, why even have each other around? You'll just be sitting on the couch all day doing nothing if your 'so grown up'
growing up are for depressed people
speaking of Derrick, he found pictures of my mom and is gonna mail me them.
I can only find one picture of my mom after she got cancer... =[
and I took videos of her, but I cant find those =/
I want to remember every bit of her, even when she had cancer.
but I sent some people a text saying 'wow, thats a short list of friends to send this all to, but anyways, i'll be gone for a week'
and derrick said that, thats what happens when people grow up....
I swear, if he talks to me again about 'thats how it goes when people grow up' im gonna send a bomb in the mail to his house.....
whats the point of living if you have no friends? when your like Derrick.... You have a job... have no gf,... your parents hate you... you only have one friend.... ok... what is there to live for? No really... what are you REALLY saving your money for?
A new toy?
a video game your gonna play on with a bunch of people you dont know.... is that it? for the rest of your life?
So your going to school to... learn how to make cool music..... to what? have a bunch of strangers call out your name? But who are these people?
your working in a huge business.... so your a ritch bitch with a fancy car....
your too much of a slut to have kids.... you go from girl to girl...
wow,... what are you living for?
What is the meaning to grow up? to loose all your friends? so you can sit alone? night after night... you go to work, come home, eat, watch t.v. go to bed...
next morning... go to work, come home, eat, watch t.v. go to bed....
next morning... go to work, come home, eat, watch t.v. go to bed....
next day... go to work, go out with a girl, eat, have sex, go to bed....
What does it mean 'to grow up'? Really?
Does that mean.... 'stop having fun and live a boring life, get depressed, and maybe perhaps if your lucky, kill yourself before you get old, and have to live like a robot'
Look around.... ok, if your lucky, you'll have a kid.... and be even more stressed out, but with something cute in your hands for about 10 years.... than they start having their own minds....
if your lucky, you'll have a great wife or husband.... who'll entertain you...
but if you two are too grown up, why even have each other around? You'll just be sitting on the couch all day doing nothing if your 'so grown up'
growing up are for depressed people
Art Show
so ima be painting alot... and writing alot...
hopefully i'll come home with something good and make you go 'awwww... my babe is such a good artist[sorta]'
thats the only thing im excited for about this trip....
[I was starting to get worried about when you were coming home... but I saw that you textededed me]
anyways, thats the only thing im excited about. I havnt drawn, or painted in a very long time.... im hoping my skills will be sorta good still....
BTW!!! your only allowed to read one from each blog a day.... or maybe two depending on how many I type out for you Jared.
What do you think I'd be doing right now? what are you doing right now? Ever think about that? what could the person you used to be friends with,... your ex's, your cousins... people who are in or used to be in your life...
the people you used to be sooo closed to.... what do you think they are doing?
what do you think they are thinking about?
is their lives stable? are they alright?
I wonder what you were doing before you read this...
how was your day?
Today right now.... I could be painting some mystical creature... laying in bed... laying in the grass.... taking pictures... thinking about Jared....
hopefully i'll come home with something good and make you go 'awwww... my babe is such a good artist[sorta]'
thats the only thing im excited for about this trip....
[I was starting to get worried about when you were coming home... but I saw that you textededed me]
anyways, thats the only thing im excited about. I havnt drawn, or painted in a very long time.... im hoping my skills will be sorta good still....
BTW!!! your only allowed to read one from each blog a day.... or maybe two depending on how many I type out for you Jared.
What do you think I'd be doing right now? what are you doing right now? Ever think about that? what could the person you used to be friends with,... your ex's, your cousins... people who are in or used to be in your life...
the people you used to be sooo closed to.... what do you think they are doing?
what do you think they are thinking about?
is their lives stable? are they alright?
I wonder what you were doing before you read this...
how was your day?
Today right now.... I could be painting some mystical creature... laying in bed... laying in the grass.... taking pictures... thinking about Jared....
Dentist & Vampires
omg....
so today I went to the dentist...
was supposed to get two top teeth done, and three bottom teeth done.... I got the numbing shots... and yes, those hurt.... and than i got one tooth drilled into, and than all the drills in the place stopped....
ugh. so I was sent home with some temporary cement on my tooth...
than they called and said to come back at 2:30....
so at 2 something, I drove down and got it all numbed up all over again.
this time they had the dental assistant named Wilow... you can tell she is new at this whole thing, and goes from dentist to dentist....
anyways... she was like tugging my mouth to the left, and the dentist was like 'can you face me' and... well I kinda cant when she is pulling as hard as she possibly could to the left....
anyways, that was a huge pain in the ass...
but before, when I was just sitting waiting to be called in, my friend Boo was talking to me about vampires......
now for anyone who believes in Vampires... well, your either stupid, or stupider, or semi realistic, yet still stupid, or your just scary.
but I hate it when people diss twilight... because... what, in Buffy vampires burn in the sun? older movies, vampires are allergic or whatever, to garlic.... and vampires cant see themselves in mirrors?
Well One... anything made up of atoms... anything you can touch, hold, and see,... you can see in a mirror.... its physically impossible for a mirror to not reflect a reflection....
two... vampires would only go out at night because there is a less possibility of getting caught killing something... as do gang bangers....
and party people.... club people.... teenagers..... when are they usually out? or driving or walking home from a party? at night....
only little kids, parents, and hippies are usually out during the day time on a regular basis...
so why would vampires be out all the time?
allergic to garlic? what the hell?
anyways, your here... and now your not =[
Im going to miss you soooooo much, like you have no idea ='(
I hope you stay out of trouble.... and I hope you stay safe....
and I hope you dont miss me tooo much
I <3 you so so so sosososososososooooososososososoooo muuuuch!!!!!!!!
[Its so fluffy!! D< ]
miss ya babe
so today I went to the dentist...
was supposed to get two top teeth done, and three bottom teeth done.... I got the numbing shots... and yes, those hurt.... and than i got one tooth drilled into, and than all the drills in the place stopped....
ugh. so I was sent home with some temporary cement on my tooth...
than they called and said to come back at 2:30....
so at 2 something, I drove down and got it all numbed up all over again.
this time they had the dental assistant named Wilow... you can tell she is new at this whole thing, and goes from dentist to dentist....
anyways... she was like tugging my mouth to the left, and the dentist was like 'can you face me' and... well I kinda cant when she is pulling as hard as she possibly could to the left....
anyways, that was a huge pain in the ass...
but before, when I was just sitting waiting to be called in, my friend Boo was talking to me about vampires......
now for anyone who believes in Vampires... well, your either stupid, or stupider, or semi realistic, yet still stupid, or your just scary.
but I hate it when people diss twilight... because... what, in Buffy vampires burn in the sun? older movies, vampires are allergic or whatever, to garlic.... and vampires cant see themselves in mirrors?
Well One... anything made up of atoms... anything you can touch, hold, and see,... you can see in a mirror.... its physically impossible for a mirror to not reflect a reflection....
two... vampires would only go out at night because there is a less possibility of getting caught killing something... as do gang bangers....
and party people.... club people.... teenagers..... when are they usually out? or driving or walking home from a party? at night....
only little kids, parents, and hippies are usually out during the day time on a regular basis...
so why would vampires be out all the time?
allergic to garlic? what the hell?
anyways, your here... and now your not =[
Im going to miss you soooooo much, like you have no idea ='(
I hope you stay out of trouble.... and I hope you stay safe....
and I hope you dont miss me tooo much
I <3 you so so so sosososososososooooososososososoooo muuuuch!!!!!!!!
[Its so fluffy!! D< ]
miss ya babe
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
