STOP!!

I wish I could tell you to not do drugs, but its not my place to tell you what you cant do.
I wish I could have just gone over to your house and slapped you, took the drugs, and flushed them....
But as a drug addict, you'd probably hit me back for doing that....
Im sure your happy with yourself, being all fucked up again.... I mean, sure they are just party drugs.... but being high all the time.... not remembering things.... doing nothing with your life....
I want you to go somewhere!!! I want you to be with someone, and be happy, and have a life, and get married, and have kids, and remember everything!! Though I wish you'd consider having a life with me, I know its not going to happen.... but I'd rather you not be with me, and with someone else, than doing drugs.....
I hate that your lying to me all the time, and that Im crying, I hate that Im so in love with you, and want to be with you, while all you want is to be with someone else....
I will find someone else who'll make me happy, and I'll stop crying over you. I will be happy!!! I will get married one day.... and if I dont, than I'll be out having one hell of a life, but atleast I'll remember it....

I dont want you to get caught, I dont want you to do drugs, I dont want anything bad for you Jared! I dont want to be the reason why you started doing drugs again!!!!!! Why did you tell me that! Why.......? why?! I feel like I should just be dead now.... You were so proud of being sober... and I was happy that I was helping you stay that way....
thanks for showing me that Im a horrible person, and that your life went to shit now because of me. Be proud of doing drugs.... I dont care, but to me, its nothing to be proud about.

I miss you, and want you back, but I know right now nothing good will come out of it. And your in love with someone else....
There are so many things I want to say just to piss you off, because you piss me off..... But I know your already saying/doing things to make everything backfire at me.... to make me feel worse....
Like saying you bet I fucked Tom.... and if I havnt, I will, or i'll go around fucking other guys.... as if im a slut!! that hurt! And you know what, I havnt even kissed another person since you. I havnt held hands with anyone, havnt called anyone 'love, babe' or said someone was my everything....


I've been awake for 2 hours.... and its gone by so fast, its like I just woke up....
I havnt been sleeping very well lately... Im always tired....
I need you out of my head.

I almost crashed

So I was staying over at a friends house.....
I dont think Arah likes me.... but than again, I dont think many girls like me.
But while I was over at my friend's, Jared kept texting me, saying he was doing drugs, and that it was my fault, this and that....
Yea, I didnt just sit there texting, I was sitting and crying around everyone.
I want Jared back.... but than I look at Jena's page, and remember that hes just lying, and everyting he says is wrong,....
I know hes dating her, or atleast hooked up with her....
It pisses me off. If they were to meet face to face right now, I bet they'd be sucking face.

"i dont want you to die tomorrow babe but your my everything my love"
"i never want to let you go ill hold onto you forever ♥"

Yea, what the fuck ever Jared.... keep lying about how you two are nothing but friends.
so you know what, go do whatever the fuck you want, and i'll do what I want.
Im tired of him bringing me down. if he wants to read my blogs and be down, than he can.... Im not going to stop him, because im going to say whatever I want....
I loved him, still love him, and just cause I've been talking to a guy, and seen him like twice means that I dont love him, than he can think whatever, cause I dont need to prove anything.
I never cheated on him, not calling anyone 'love' or baby, or saying they are my everything....
I cant believe I still cry over that jerk....
And I cant believe I blamed myself for him doing drugs again... I mean I do, but I shouldnt. not like I can go into his head and go 'hey, do drugs'

Anyways, I was at my friends house, and I got tired of being there, so I decided to go home.... right when it was snowing really really bad....
maybe I was hoping to get into a car crash....
which I almost did.... when I was sorta by my house.....
I was going down a hill, going like 0 miles an hour!!!! and I was taking a turn, and my car didnt turn.... just went straight, and almost hit a car.....

was no fun at all. I need a new car.... like bad.....
Oh, and im finally getting a sewing machine.... its been long enough.....


Derrick still seems to want me to move in.... 'in a few months' but it'll be longer than that.... but he had found an old school binder of mine.... It made him miss me....
I really am a great person..... and I am someone to be missed.... I've just been going through shit for years.... and I havnt gotten over things....
and I'll become afraid to loose someone, and my whole personality changes....
This thing I've been suffering from for years is getting me nowhere....
I need to find someone who'll stick around forever... of course there is no such thing....
I deserve better.... everyone does....
But will I ever find someone? Probably not....
I'll probably be alone forever, or keep finding jerks....
I'll be wasting my life forever trying to find someone.... and that someone will keep leaving me...
I know thats how my life is going to be. I can feel it.....
And maybe thats why I'll never get better, is because deep down, I know im just wasting time with everyone, because i know that EVERYONE is just going to leave....
I should just stop trying.

I Remember

Jared,
I know you still read my blogs....
Why, I dont know. Your so in love with that Jena girl...
Dont you think its time to forget me?
Atleast till we're in the state where we could actually talk to each other without the feelings we had....
I mean, I'll always love you, but I mean like.... till the day we could meet up, and I wont be crying the moment I see you. One day I'd like to say hi again.... And be able to catch up on stuff, and have coffee.... lol we'll be like, in our 40s =p

But I know the both of us only post on our myspace cause we're trying to put each other down... or its the only way we'll let each other know how we're feeling. It needs to stop. Who else is checking your myspace now? You deleted Krystal....
Dont get me wrong, I care about how your feeling.... But it hurts me.... Because your just lying straight through your teeth...
I know you've already moved on, but you need to move on totally....
Im not asking you to forget me, or to not give a shit, but who are those posts for?
Why are you reading my blogs?
I write my blogs for myself....
The other day where I had a dream about your dad, yea, I had started to write it for you, because it had slipped my mind....
and those other two, because I had figured you were reading them, and i was pissy...
I have to move on....
I need to... and I dont want any thoughts in my head that you still love me, or ever did, because my heart is telling me that you never did.... my brain is saying the opposite....
The heart is supposed to tell you good things, not the opposite.
Im not part of your life, so if you were even talking about me about the whole 'going back' thing...
I dont want to be responsible... you have Jena.... 'the best girl ever'
Because I obviously was never, ever good enough for you, right?
So why would you even post that on your myspace? To see if you could make me feel bad?
I love you, and I'll never forget you, but your still breaking my heart, and idk why I still check your myspace.
But sometimes, I wish I never met you.... I wish I never had feelings for you, and I wish I never told you I loved you, if I knew it was going to take this long to get over you.
I will forever wish things were different, and it never got this bad, but it happened....
Its life, and I have to move on.
idk how.... but I will....
And I'll forget one day.....
I'll forget everything that happened....
Or maybe I wont....
Maybe I'll get married, and have kids,.... and you'll be a bed time story about the wasted tears....

.........Or maybe about the most meaningful tears.......

Either way.... you have Jena now, so stop posting on myspace, because I know its directed towards me....
and if its not, than im fucking full of myself, and stupid... haha.....
But like you said, if you really did think you made a mistake, and if you really did love me, you'd be trying to get back with me, instead of getting with Jena







When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce.. I raised the topic calmly.
She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Dew. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.
She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Dew so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew.
When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce.
She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.
This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.
She requested that everyday for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning.. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request. I told Dew about my wife’s divorce conditions.. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully..
My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time.. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.
On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.
She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.
Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.
Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mum out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day...
But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy... I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore.
She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead.. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other any more. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.
Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.
At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.
That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.
The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage...
Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

today...

sucked soo bad!!!
but im happy now....
and cant wait till tomorrow, or till the snow melts in the parkinglot...
and cant wait to cash my check.... and make clothing! and spend some time with someone who makes me smile
=]

Yay for being happy for once

Just so you know...

I hate you
with all the hate I could possibly give.
With every energy in my heart.....
I hate you.
I will forever hate you.
Till the day I die...
And the moment I see you....
I will hate you even more.
I will hate you till the moment your dead....
I will hate you in my dreams,
and if I see you, you will know... Because when you look into my eyes, I wont be the same girl.
You wont see the happiness you used to see....
You'll tell right away that im not her. Im not the girl I used to be.
Because my eyes will be full of hate...
It'll be like looking into a dogs eyes, that once knew who you were, but has forgotten, and wants nothing but you to back the fuck off, and walk away.

You know why I hate you? Because I fucking love you, and miss you!!! And your inlove with someone else! and I know shes everything to you.... and I know you two are together, no matter what you say. And I hate that I was nothing to you.... And Im just sitting here writing this, crying, and wishing things were different, but they arnt.


I love you
with all the love I could possibly give.
With every energy in my heart.....
I love you.
I will forever love you.
Till the day I die...
And the moment I see you....
I will love you even more.
I will love you till the moment your dead....
I love you in my dreams,
and if I see you, you will know... Because when you look into my eyes, Im that same girl.
You wont see the happiness you used to see because you walked out of my life....
And in a way, you'll tell that im not her. Im not the girl I used to be when you last left.
Because my eyes will be full of tears...
It'll be like looking into a dogs eyes, that once knew who you were, but has forgotten, and wants nothing but you to back the fuck off, and walk away....
But right before you walk away, I grantee you, all the best memories will come rushing back,
and theres nothing we could do than, because its already too late.....


But in all honesty, I feel like I hate you more than I love you....
Because you dont even miss me....
Because your allowed to move on, but when I do, you get angry.
You never loved me, you dont love me, and I know that....
And thats why I hate you.... because you lead me on.... you used me, and I was nothing but a game to you, and I gave you my heart!!!! I gave you my heart..... and the whole time, you were just playing with it....
I hate you because you've replaced me so easily! You didnt even have to think about it!
I hate you because your still breaking my heart everyday, and we dont even talk!!!
I hate you because you make my cry in my sleep....
I hate you because you said you'd always be here for me....

I hate you because I wanted to spend my life with you....
but now I dont.
I hate you because I wanted you to be around....
But now I dont.
I hate you because I wanted you to be the one throwing rocks at my window...
But now I dont.
I hate you because I wanted my name to be 'Krystalle Lynn Johnson'
But now I dont.

I hate you because I wanted you....
But I have to force myself to think that I dont....

I shouldnt have done what I did today....
I need to stay away from an actual computer for a while....
Stay away from home for a while....
I just got paid....
So I think I'll make clothing..... if I even know how....

sex

I feel like crying...
because I dont want to be betrayed as a sex item....
I like doing cyber goth photoshoots... photoshoots that are out there...
I dont want to run into guys who want nothing but sex....
I mean, I dont even want to run into a guy, who likes me, and already wants to have sex... or is even just talking about it...
This guy I somewhat like... I know he doesnt like me. I mean, he hella makes me smile, and laugh....
but idk how, we got into the conversation about sex, and I said something like 'i wouldnt know, because im not really into sex' and now im sure he wouldnt like me even more. Im not looking to be with someone, I was just looking for comfort I guess.... or maybe I was hoping he did somewhat like me....
I dont want to be with someone, I dont want to be hooked up with anyone, but I hate being alone....
I do wish to find someone for me one day, one day before its too late...

im not sure why I feel like crying....
maybe because Im alone.... and I just want to be loved....
or maybe because I feel ugly....
or because I opened myself up again, and had hopes again.....
Or maybe because I feel like I really should just be 6 feet under.......

Its Hard

Seeing you flirt with another girl, tell her she's your world....
and than see you tell me something different. That your not into her, that they are just meaningless words...

I had a dream lastnight, that I was with your family, and we were all happy... the dream was more about your dad... he was really happy, and loving life... We were all happy that he was happy.

Idk why I had started to write this blog to Jared.... Kinda weird.
Anyways, my dad's boss is giving my dad one hell of a time. Im sure hes gonna get fired really really soon...
Maybe in a few weeks....
My dad went to the office, and put in a 2 month lease down, instead of month to month, so I'll probably be moving soon....
I want to move into those apartments I had looked at, but I think it'll make me sad... because at one point of time, I had dreamed of moving there with the man of my life....
I miss him, to tell the truth. And Im scared to miss him.

Today, my car wouldnt start.... and my boss wanted me to take the bus. note, I live in Westminster, and i work in littleton... yea... no. My dad had to take me.... tomorrow im gonna take my dad's car... go to the DMV and get my ID paper thing cause my boss said I cant get paid without an ID....

I've been so tired at work... I've been drinking coffee lately...
I was so tired, I asked a lady if she wanted 'lettuce and tomato' on her BLT sub...

I've been so lost lately, not knowing what to do with myself...
yet, i've been in a pretty happy mood.

I had a lot to say this morning... when I arrived to work 3 hours early.... but I dont feel like talking about it.
Wish I did.... wish I still wanted to share my feelings,.... but I've learned that no one gives a shit, no real friends are there for you... there are no real friends... I've never met a guy who really 'loved' me.... so Im just writing for myself.... to ease the pain... to forget, let out, to see, to feel, and to not think of....


But I do have one thing to say....
I have never met a guy who seemed so interested.... who wanted to know....
Who still read after it was all over....
But I have never been so hurt....

"I'd rather be put down by someone I dont really care for, or dont know that much, than be hurt by someone important to me, who I really care about, and love."