I'd Go Back In Time and Change It, But I Cant...

If I could get one chance to go back in time, I would take that chance now.
I may have said it before, but I've really been thinking about it....
But the thing is, I dont have that chance to go back in time...
Those are just silly little dreams that only come true in romance movies.

But if God gave me one chance... just one... I would change a lot of things,...
But things that would only lead me back to the summer time of 2010.
Of course, going back to the past would not be just a play-back...
In order to change things, you have to know you are in the past...
You have to have some sort of idea of whats going to happen in the future...
Otherwise, without some sort of knowledge of the future, than it'd just feel like deja vu, and that doesnt always change a person.

I just wish I could do something, or have a sign, or something so I could go back to the past!! I dont just want a better future, but I want a better past. I want to be proud of myself. I want to be able to say that Im happy to be who I am today...
And I want to do the right things for other people too...


If I was given the chance... I'd ask my mom if she wanted to go back in time too...
So that I could take her to the beach, take her to the zoo, go and do karaoke together, and do everything she wanted before she passed away...
But, that would also mean she'd have to re-live the pain all over again. I dont want to put her through that, but if she wanted to go back, and was given the chance to do what she wanted before she died, well, I'd hope she could have that chance.

But if I could go back in time, I wouldnt have done the things I did, and I probably wouldnt have gone out with Donnie...
I would have gone straight to Turlock considering those were some of the best days I ever had...
I wouldnt have done the things I did with certain people...
I would learn how to say no a lot better.
I wouldnt have argued with my grandpa...
I would have came home for dinner more, and acted more like a family.
I would learn how to be more fun, and outgoing.
And when I came to Colorado, I would have done the same thing...
I would have moved back to California, and not been so attached....
I would leave on good terms...
And I would have gotten all my stuff, and just left them at my grandparent's house.
I would have let Andrew and Chip live with me...
But I wouldnt have let them borrow any money.
I would relive those days, through all the pain and anger...
just to be with jared again.
I would do everything I could to make Jared happy...
And I wouldnt have fought about stupid little things...
I would have made friends with Krystal...
I would learn to trust more.
I would still be friends with Beetle, and Ro...
I wouldnt let people get to me so easily...
I would learn to make more friends, than enemies...
I wouldnt be so 'me me me' all the time.
I wouldnt talk about the future, even when he did.
I would be more of a party person...
I would try not to be so boring.
I would want to re-live the summer days over and over...
I would make him happy...
I hope I made him happy.
I'd go back to the days whenever I did something wrong...
and I would just not have done it.
I would go back in time for myself, for my mom, for Derrick, for Donnie, for all the girl's hearts I broke, for every friend I didnt give a chance, for my dad, for Damien, for my grandparents, and for Jared.... and for a chance for a better, or another 'Jared and I'

Morning Texts

Its easier for me to sleep... knowing that I dont have to pray so hard for another chance,... or for you to love me still...
Its over, and I can sleep... but than again, I cant sleep.
I have dreams...
and I wake up with so much pain in my chest.
I'll have dreams that whenever my car tries to start, but just dies... my heart dies too...
I was thinking that it might mean that I may never love again like I loved you...
And that my heart is just useless without you.

I have other dreams of my heart just being ripped out, shutting down, bleeding, dying, turning to ashes...
And I've had a dream of you just punching me in the chest where my heart is =[ That one I have no clue what its about... But let me tell you, its pretty scary waking up thinking your dead or in the hospital....

But whats worse... is I wake up feeling your arms around me, but when I look around for you...
I realize its nothing but a dream.
Your not there...


I guess its because you had sounded so excited to spend the weekend with me...
I wasnt ready for this break-up... My body still feels that you were going to come over and be beside me.

Sometimes I'll wake up thinking im in your room, taking one of those naps with you.

I guess, without realizing it, I am still praying to be with you...
I may not be saying it to myself in my head, but my heart is.


But I know you want to feel alive, and that you still have much of a life to live...
And I know you dont want to feel trapped.
I didnt know I was keeping you from living...
I didnt realize I was that boring.

"I know Im not beautiful,
and I dont have a great personality...
Im not wild and crazy, and I dont drink.
I cant sing, or cook.
My eyes are just the same as any other girl's...
But the thing that makes me a great girl,
is that I love you with all my heart,
and I would give you my whole world.
Its that I know your my everything,
and I will do everything in my power to make you happy.
Its that Im grateful to have you in my life,
and Im grateful for each day I have with you.

Love,
Krystalle"


This is what I had put under a picture of me and you...
Yes, its true... all of it.
I want to be with you....
But I want to show you a different side of me.
I may not be as crazy as anyone else you know....
But I can show you that I am not as boring as you think I am.
I know I have already told you this before, I know. Sorry.
And as much as I wish I could be with you, I keep thinking that this could be our chance to get to know each other in a different way.

idk how yet...
maybe you could have your friends, and I could have my friends, and we could all chill one day? I just need to make those friends.
I just wouldnt bring Chip, if you wont bring 'her'
I wont bring a guy who is going to flirt with me, as long as you dont bring girls that are going to flirt with you...
What do you say?

You keep saying we might have a chance in the future...
I'd like that to happen, but I am not going to keep my hopes up.
That doesnt mean Im going to go look for a guy, or look for dates or anything...
You have told me all of these stories about your ex, and how you had your remounds...
It kinda scares me... a lot....
To know your sleeping with other girls, finding people better than me...
Its all part of the break up though.
I just hope you remember all the love I gave you. I hope you never forget about that.
But I want you to live, and be alive, and not be trapped...
So dont think about me! ok?

I want you to be happy, but I just dont want you to forget about me.

Someone told me that if another guy comes around, that I shouldnt throw away a good thing just for you...
And I told her, that you ARE a good reason to throw away some random guy. Ya, im not keeping my hopes up, but I want to show you how I can be in a different way... I want to give you that chance, not for me, and not to date you,.. but because I think you've had the wrong idea of me, and you deserve to see that part of me without some guy hanging around my shoulders all the time.

And.... Im not looking as you know, and I just dont feel like being in a relationship with anyone else right now... and thats not going to change for a long long time.


I have kinda gone off topic here, Im sorry. Writing is just the easiest way for me to deal with things.

I woke up many times today, but the last time I woke up, I was holding my phone to my chest....
I guess I had been waiting for a text from you like every morning.
Im sad because I know your probably texting 'morning' to other people...
everyone else... but me...
I know you said I could text you and tell you stuff,...
but in a way I feel like I cant. I feel like you need time away from talking to me, as much as I would hate that.
This change for me is going to take a long time, so please dont feel like I am trying to stay attached to you. Please dont think that Im still trying to be a big part of your life, even though you said you want me to be a part of your life still.
I just love you with all my heart still, and you still mean the world to me.
Its not going to change over night, or in a week...


I wish you would have realized before we were dating exactly what you had wanted...
that you didnt really actually want a girlfriend like me.
You read all my stuff, and knew everything I had gone through, and saw that I was a clingy person... in fact, you even liked that about me...
I wish you never told me you wanted to marry me if you didnt know if you did or not.
I wish you never wanted to go look for apartments, when I was the one who didnt want to..
I wish you wouldnt have been getting so upset because I was taking my time to say 'i love you'
Havnt you noticed that?
That I was taking my time so you would get to know me before you got too close?
This is exactly what I was trying to avoid...
I was trying to let you understand who I am, let you realize what it is that you want, before we got too close, before you got my hopes up, before you just threw everything away because you didnt know what you wanted, when I gave you all that time to think.
But it could take years to realize that something isnt right for you, which is ok. Im not mad...



Dont let anything I type bother you Jared... just letting everything out...
its easier for me to move on if I write.
I love you... always.
love,
Mouse

New Winter, New Broken Heart

Every broken heart is inspired to write...
And I definitely have one broken heart.
Im still in love, and am not ready to let go even though I know I have to...
So I hope he doesnt mind too much... for me, it was very sudden for me... too sudden.
This boy...
He may always have my heart the way he had it when we first met...
He may be in my dreams when im wide awake...
And he may be my tears of the dreams I wish came true.

He told me that love dies and fades...
But as I say,
"Love never dies or fades... You either love, or you never did."
He seems to protest against it....
But I think he just meant that his love is not strong... It hasnt faded away, its just not strong.

And as the both of us say that we wish we could go back in time and change things...
I think I wish for it more.
I felt so perfect with him...
And I feel the blame for everything.
I feel like if I just held my tongue, things would be alright...
But than again, I also deserve to be with someone who can understand me and my problems...
But than again... its not right to just argue over stupid little things.
Maybe Im like bipolar or something? heh...
But bipolar people deserve love too.
But there isnt a day that goes by that I dont regret all those fights I've caused.
I just wish I could go back in time... Go back and change things... Kept going the way we were in the summer time.
He said that if we kept going like that, we would have made it...

What happened to us? Why did we let this happen?
sure, I've been engaged... sure I've wanted to merry someone...
But there hasnt been a person that I wanted to merry, and die together with.
There has never been a man where I was willing to be the one to ask the question...
But its over now...
And all I could ask for now from him, is to just be friends...
I wish things were different, but this is what he wants.

Though you dont still really love me, I will always love you...
Though we are not together, I will still want to take care of you...
I want to make sure your not going back to your past...
I want to make sure you dont do anything stupid, just because 'it wont show in your test'
You were so happy that your life had changed... I dont want you to regret anything.
You know you dont want to go down that path, so dont even think about it.

So please, dont mind me and my broken heart.
Dont feel guilty, or mad.
Dont feel like you are responsible...
A broken heart just needs a way to let out her pain.




New Winter, New Broken Heart

Every winter here has been the same... Long, and alone.
Its my worst season... And honestly, the worst time to break up with someone.
I was at a friend's house lastnight, as she was TRYING to break up with her boyfriend...
But he just wouldnt take it. He would not let her go... pretty much begging her to stay with him, without sounding too desperate though.
It was sad... because she could just say all these things,.. and he still wanted to be with her,...
As she was doing that, I was on her bed crying over a letter from my ex... He had broken up with me a few hours earlier.
But before my friend's boyfriend called, we were planning on a new life....
After I get my heart broken,... I do what I do best... Run away.
No rebound, no messing with other guys... No.
I run away... To another state.
My dad said he would apply for a job in England, and we could move there.
The only reason why I didnt want to, was because I had something here for me.

But who said we'd move right now? If nothing works out for me, I do hope to move soon...
But untill than I need to plan a new life.
Going out and meeting new friends...
finding groups of close friends... more guys than girls always seems more fun.
But dont get me wrong, its not like that...
I am not going to go looking for a guy, or a hook-up, a one night stand...
And probably every guy that even asks me out, i'd probably straight up say no.
Already guys have been calling me cutie, or trying to flirt with me...
and its already pissing me off.
I know im single, but my heart is still taken.
My friend said we should get jobs together, and outfits that match...
She said she'd help me with the club events...
I forgot to mention that she wouldnt get paid though.
And since winter is here... would we really be going out that much?
So would we really have anything to go do with any new friends?
I got excited because I am actually going to go out and live a life again..
I just wish he was here so I could share that life with him.

Its still going to be hard for me... I was going to have all these clothes for modeling events for models to try on,... as I model as well... Its going to be hard for that to happen now... now that im alone.

I hate the feeling of being alone....
All my doors are locked now...
No reason to go out that door.
I may sit in that chair just to remember...
But with winter here,.. I'd just be a lonely girl, watching her breath.
Maybe I should just take the chair out and put it away.
I might as well put away the hot chocolate...
I might as well close the blinds...
Winter just isnt any fun alone.
The snow will be untouched just like me.
And it shall stay quiet, not even a sound...
Untill I play old videos, and play old songs...


I'll move on one day, but no time soon,
because this winter, my doors are locked, with no reason to go out.

Doing Better?

3:36 am
I wrote.
And am too scared to publish it.
So I deleted it.
It was about me...
Oh well.
He doesnt read these things anymore anyways.
I wish for his happiness
Love,
Me

Fully?

The past couple of days has been nothing but shit....
Nothing good has come out of this past weekend.
I've been upset about so many things
shit happened
and I do shit, or shit happens to me, and they think about it for two seconds, and dont even consider the fact that I would that far for them.

I dont really understand why I am really upset...
Maybe because I am stressing out...
and I wanted to see you?
Maybe because I REALLY wanted that job, or wanted the goggles to come in, Im tired of being poor, my face just keeps looking uglier and uglier, I am tired of being in colorado, Im tired of being alone,.. Im just tired with life period.

I am just tired of being a nobody... Im tired of thinking about the past because Im going nowhere with my future. Im tired of missing friends that no longer exist in my life.

I sit here day after day, and think 'im fricken ugly, I need to stop playing games with this modeling thing' and than I look at someone's pictures and wish I could do something like that.

And than I lay in bed thinking about you all the time...
and than I think 'does he even think about me anymore?'
I cant even make you smile when your thinking about stupid shit all night long, and all day the next day.




Again, Im just stressed out. dont know what Im supposed to do with life...
I dont know what I want in life...
I just know im not as happy as I should be.
Im just a damaged girl.
And I've come to realize that I cant be fixed at all.

idk what to do with myself, and Im alone on this

How!!

So I got my indian outfit today!
I am going to fix it tomorrow, and hopefully get some pictures taken by elle jay



------
never miiind! Was gonna post a whole happy post but than my dad just pissed me off.
Getting pissed off at me because he keeps telling me 'i'll tell you what time I get back in town on friday when I look at the paper' he must have told me the time... ONCE.
If he has said it as much as he says he's said it.... than he should have it memorized,... and if he CANT memorize it... than why get mad at me because I cant memorize it?

UGH!

well, I was gonna do a photoshoot super early in the morning on sunday.... if we were gonna sleep in a hotel from sat night....


now im just all irritated because he has to have an attitude, because I am picking him up from the airport for him, and, just cause I cant remember a time? ugh. whatever.

I just hope we can go to the club in time

Meaning of Life

Sometimes I sit and think...
Whats the point in living?
What the point in having a relationship...

I think...
When your in a relationship...
It can cause more hurt, than joy...
It can even cause you death if your not stable enough...
After 6-8 months into a relationship, your bf/gf would say they would do anything in the world just to see you, and now, they'd rather not.

And than I think...
If you get as far as getting married..
for say you marry at age 22...

once your 24... things get boring.
The romance is gone.
You dont see each other as much.
No flowers, no notes, no dinners, no long letters on myspace.

25 [if your smart] you have your first child...
You guys are back to being romantic.... [in the house]
No movies, no long walks.
You love your child more than you love your spouse.
Your spending all your money on your child and a house/appartment.

Your child turns 1,... either you've already broken up with your gf/bf husband/wife, or if your lucky, your still together.

Your child turns 5.
How cute, your child is in school.
Your either taking turns seeing your child, or if your lucky, your at work, home only in time to see your husband/wife in the mornings, or dinner time.
One of you, or you have a babysitter is now taking care of your child, helping with homework.
You may see your husband and or wife more often... but you dont even look at each other in the eyes. You hug each other, just so your child will be happy.

Your child turns 10, you are 35.
Your wife goes out with her chick friends every once in a while, and the husband goes out and has a beer every once in a while. The wife is trying to impress you again wearing sexy shit to bed.
And your flattered.
Your child is happy, and thinks he/she can stay home every once in a while alone between the ages 11-13. The choice is yours to go out and have fun with your husband/wife.

Your child is 14-16... either doing drugs, having sex, or starting to disobey you. Or if your lucky, your child is a good kid, and spends all his/her time doing homework, hardly ever coming down for dinner, or playing video games, or hanging out with friends.
By this time, you are about 40.
Around this age, your body is starting to age, your body is starting to hurt.

around age 45, if your lucky, your still good looking, and your body is young still, if you kept up with exercising, and good diet, and good health care.
If not, your getting desieses, cancer through out the body, your bones hurt, no make up can save you, and your starting to loose your hair.

Right before this stage, your either a player, in a tuxedo, or your a wife, sitting and reading a book, not even noticing your husband is gone.
By this time, your child is either graduating high school, or already has.
Your child is either into drugs, or sex, hard core, really disrespects you, or is trying to move out. not even saying 'thanks for taking care of me'

Once your child hits 19-22 Your child is asking for lots of money, help with life, or is already having a child... that they expect you to help take care of.... OR they dont even talk to you, and has moved on. But in this time period... they are still living with you, and dont even talk to you or see you anymore.

By this time, you and your husband/wife are sitting on the couch doing nothing with life, and just watching t.v.

afterwards, YOU HAVE GRANDCHILDREN! yay, this is the exciting part. Now your children dont even talk to you, except hollidays, or if your lucky, they check up on you. If your lucky, your with your same husband/wife... now your grandchildren are asking for money.

Your grandchildren are like your new set of children, only, you see them less than you saw your original child.

By this time, it hurts just to get out of a chair...
and if your alive without any cancers or such, than yay for you.
But your probably going to day anyways with in the next 20-30 years.


What REALLY happened in your life?
well, nothing really, just a lot of fucking pain, and a lot of wasted money.

but whatever, thats the cycle of life...
I guess I'll go through with it anyways