New Life, New Blog

So I've stopped talking crap.... never was in the first place except on here...
my own personal blog.... for myself...

Someone has been reading them, and sending it to people...
telling people lies about me...
and telling his gf lies too.
But im not saying any names.
Just wish hed stop his silly games... and stop posting about me.
I've realized.... the camero was the way of the relationship...
Before I got it, the relationship between me and the boy was perfect.
Than I got the car.... and it slowly started going downhill....
And the day it died... was the day I knew you didnt love me.


My dad is gonna be getting a new job...
I am going to be moving out with a friend after the next two paychecks
I got a new car today...
Next weekend Im going to be getting cello lessons.... for free.
Im doing better than ever with my business right now.
Tom spent all his money to come see me yesterday, and took me to get my ear pierced.
It was cute when he reminds me... or 'orders' me to go clean it. Did that like 5 times yesterday.
We both got rave tickets to a rave.... Not gonna say, cause I dont want trouble or to be stocked or anything.
But it was funny when I went to things that glow...
Was asked where the boy was, and I said we broke up.
'he was a douche anyways. you deserve way better'
And I do. I have not done anything wrong.
I am going to make something of myself.
I am going to do everything I've wanted.
And I'll be living the life.

Life is getting better, no matter what.

I am making a new blog...
A new blog, for this new life.
And I promise..... I will be better than ever.

So,
This is my goodbye.

i hope...

I hope shes happy with the type of man shes with....
a guy talking about a girl's mother who passed away?

"sad to say krystalle it really sonunds like you mom didnt give 2 shits about you and probly never even wanted you jsut like your dad never even wanted you your where jsut a huge mistake that they wanted to take back"

real mature.... real mature...

your a fag

and your nothing but a cheater, and the only girl who'd go out with you, are stupid blonds who dont know any better.
btw, dont post on Toms things....
just thought i'd let you know.
I dont fucking have stds you retard....
if I had it, it would have been from you, and krystal would have gotten it.
glad your enjoing life without me.... means you never loved me in the first place, and I wasted all this time with a stupid nobody who doesnt have any straingth, and cant stay away from drugs because your a fucking weakling =]
enjoy life going nowhere.

Stupid Car

so the past few days have sucked....
But atleast I finally got to see a bad ass side of Tom, which was so fucking hot....
But not for a good reason..... and I hope everything is sorted out soon, and no one goes on a killing rampage.
I had a 3 hour long dentist appointment... totally ruined my plans!!! but they got the gap between my front teeth filled.... it feels weird.
So I went to go to the mall,.... and my phone took me to some random ass place....
so I just went home. I was supposed to finish Tom's gift.... didnt happen. so I didnt see him that night.
The next day I was gonna get a piercing, get my hair done, finish toms gift, and get a comic for tom that he wanted....
yea, well, my car broke down, and is stuck in highlands ranch....
it was really nice to have 3 cute guys push my car to the gas station than ask for my number xD
Than JD and Erin came over to help me out.... now its in a sports authority parkinglot....
so I couldnt get anything done yesterday....
I took my dad's car to the mall, again, the phone sent me to the wrong place.... but oh well, I found it.

I have just been in a bad mood....
than I see that Jared still talks to Erin....
which fucking pisses me off. I dont want him talking to my friends what so ever.
I dont want to be talked about, I dont want him in my life in any sort of way.... which means I dont want him being friends with my friends!! I deleted ALL of his friends.... he needs to fucking delete mine!!!!!
ESPECIALLY Erin!!!
The one friend I actually talk to often, and I see that he talks to her too....
Makes me like super insecure.....
I dont blame anyone but myself, but this whole thing has made me more insecure than I have ever been.... and I can tell its starting to bug Tom. I wouldnt blame him.
But im pretty sure EVERYONE talks about how i complain so much, which is funny how Jared used to say its ok, thats just how I vent, but now he calls it complaining.
You try being best friends with your mom and now shes dead and be happy....
I hate this world.... its so full of fucked up people!! and the worst things happen to the people who dont deserve it, and the best things happen to the people who deserve the worst!!!
Like my mom and me....
Like Tom and his mom....
He said he wouldnt know what would happen to himself if he lost his mom...
and I said he'd turn out to be me....

Sometimes its not so harsh.... sometimes people get depressed for years.... or... sometimes people kill themselves.
Atleast im still alive and trying. can no one give me credit for that?!
No, thats right, Im just a complaining bitch. I forgot.

Its strange how you see the real person once your no longer with them... and all their lies... and how fake they were the entire time....
Atleast I still love him, and miss him.... hes as happy as could be, wanna know why? cause he never loved me in the first place. from day one.... from the first time he said he loved me, from the day he said he'd always be there. But thats ok.... Im used to being fucked over, and cheated on, and what not.... However, I shouldnt be used to it. I should be treated right for once, have a normal break up.... I shouldnt a girl who is used to being fucked over.... I may have big anger issues, but I have a lot to give, and I always give my all...
Im not dwelling on the past, I just want a better future! my guard is up higher than its ever been....
but now im with someone who actually has things in common with me =] well.... not with with xD
jus mi cuddle buddy person thingy..... =/

Alone

So tuesday night I went to sleep over at Tom's house...
and everyone was drinking, and so was I.... but it seemed that I wasnt able to get drunk....
idk why.... i had like no food in my system... but I didnt drink that much, at all, but I didnt even feel a buz at all either.
It was nice to wake up next to someone before heading off to work.
His friends are interesting.... but I miss the turlock crew....
Tom keeps saying im allowed to come over whenever I want, and sleep over whenever I want n its not like hes using me for sex, cause idk, it'd weird me out with him having 6 people over all the time, and most of the time two of them sleep in his room, so... yea.
He wanted me to come over tuesday, but I was all saying like I didnt wanna drive home in the middle of the night, so we got really confused....
I will always be insecure about hanging out with a guy now, because I think Im over too much, or whatever. I dont wanna push someone away cause im around too often....
and it sucks having to run errens, or do shit alone all the time...
but I guess thats life.
I just wish I had my own friends already...
like virus, only, not whiney, or bitchy, or complains about everything.
besides, i havnt heard from her for a looonnnggg time....
she hasnt even been online.
And Erin just has too much problems and I'd love to help, but I just dont know how to.... when she talks about it, im just blank minded, and feel retarded cause idk what to say. Plus shes always with her boy.

I have really been wanting my own place.... and Derrick really wants me to move in with him. He says hes always been thinking of getting back with me, and this time we could make things work out.... but idk. I want to stay here... I want an apartment with a basement.... I guess maybe I just wanna stay with someone for a while who I DONT wanna have my life with. if that sounds weird, I'll tell you.... it does. I wanna have feelings for someone, but not be in love with someone. Im so scared to be hurt.... I just dont want to love ever again.... I dont want to open myself up, and let someone play surgery with me... To have a crush on someone, and like them, and getting hurt like that, is way better than being in love with someone, wanting to have a family, and dying besides them, and being hurt by that person...
I wish it wasnt like that, I wish I would love again....
And I know Derrick and I have matured a lot since the past two years.... I figured that no matter what, I'll argue, but I just need to find ways how to controll it, or solve it....
I was really able to do that in the past few months, but of course, by that time, it didnt matter =/
Because the past few months, I've been trying so hard, and the whole time, it was just a big fat fucking lie.... and a game...

But other than not wanting to fall in love,.... I still dont wanna be with Derrick for other reasons...
One, NEVER date a person twice.... I almost made that mistake....
two... I want to stay in colorado for a little longer. Idk what it is, but I feel like staying here could do me some good...
three, I dont feel like depending on anyone anymore... I do, for the comfort, but dont, because... I just dont. I want to be able to have someone I can depend on, just to say I have someone there for me.... rather than saying 'i have no one' because that just makes you realize just how alone you really are, and how no one cares what so ever... Or to have friends who'll help you if your stranded....
And four...
his friends hate me, and I hate them. thats the one thing about hard core metal heads... we dont like anyone but our own friends. Nick is a big ass, gary is too shy around me that i know somethings up, and kelsey.... my ex bro... we just dont talk anymore. and than everyone else..... that I went to school with.... just... no.
Oh, and fift... [sp] I do like Tom... Not saying I wanna stay here to work things out with him, but he makes me smile =]

But sometimes you gotta wonder why we've stayed friends for all this time. Im sure he knew I cheated on him all along... And still, he has been there if I really needed him.... not that I ever did. He was still there when my mom was passing, the day she did pass, and he was there at her funeral...

And yea... I love him, always will.... and sometimes I'll cry, but I really feel like my love for him changed over time... Im not sure if I could love him the same again....
and something is keeping me here in Colorado.... I hate the place, but something is keeping me here.
idk what,... but something. I hope to find out soon...
I need to find a roommate.... bad... I REALLY want to move out.

And I've been feeling alone alot lately... it sucks. It'll make me feel like I screwed everything up for me...
but I've got to deal with it.
It sucks Tom lives sooo far away....
luckily he lives close to my work tho.

and he has all these kittens!! I want one! idk how muggle would feel about that, but when I move out, im gonna get myself a black kitteen... train him on a leash outside all the time, and have him in the car all the time...

Well, I have a stupid dentist appointment in a few hours.... gr

Slept till 8:30

Well Tom and I sorted things out.
He doesnt want a gf, and I dont want a bf, but we're sticking with each other.
I didnt make his gift, cause I messed up on it. 10 hours to make something just to mess up on....
but im making him another one.

anyways, today my car has really been bad....
I wish I could go back in time and get the other car....

Anyways.... today Tom came to visit me at work =]
was too cute.
i had a lot to say, but it seems im forgetting things more and more.
oh well

Valentines Day

Lastnight Tom and a bunch of people were supposed to go to one night stand but the tickets sold out...
so I went over and did light shows for everyone.... there were about... 10 people at his house?
anyways, so we finally kissed....
and I hung out and stuff, smoked hooka, and got my palm read by some girl....
she said i wont get married. I'll talk about that some other time.
but I ended up passing out with like one of the kittens... and everyone came in cause it was oh so cute I guess.....
but i kept waking up.
anyways, I spent the whole day in bed with tom watching t.v. shows on netflix... passing in and out of sleep....
tomorrow is valentines day,.... I was planning of making him something.
I told him i hope i dont scare him away, cause im just a romantic person, and usually come off as clingy...
he said he was the same way, cause he just likes to do that, and it scares people away cause hes like that, yet he doesnt want a gf..... and he hopes it doesnt scare me away.
which is cool, I dont want a bf now either.... but im not gonna go around sleeping with people....
and he said he wasnt gonna go around cuddeling and kissing any other girl, just me....
he just doesnt want a gf.
and im thinking like.... ever?
i want to stay single for a while....
but what if one day i do wanna date?
than what?
thats ok, maybe this is a good thing....
so maybe if I never date him, than i'll never be hurt again?
Maybe I should just make his valentines day gift.....
or maybe I should be who I am.... love someone....
just not now....